Abusive Relationship But No Proof

duchy

Maybe you should find out from the council if refusing to re sign as the terms are unreasonable eg 2 years would get you rehoused by the council if your LL did decline your offer to sign for 6months or go to periodic and carry out his threat to give you notice.
With DV, a child and a vulnerable adult in the mix I can see them helping you. Doesn't hurt to go to housing, make an appointment and ask.

As for contact could you get a second cheap mobile purely for him. Just turn it on once a day to check for messages. And disable vm on it.

[Deleted User]

I did last time, they told me he had every right to expect me to sign a tenancy agreement. He refused to reduce the term. Council didn't care, even though a lot of the agreement clauses were highly favourable to him. Wasn't a thing I could do.

BigAunty

I can fully understand why the Police want you to cooperate with access issues to his kids but I can't understand their insistence that this is some kind of mandatory, compulsory, legal requirement in the way they outline. It's a civil matter and an sensible proposal but if you can't negotiate matters to a successful conclusion with your ex, then it's up to your ex to take you to court and not your problem if he can't afford a solicitor (the same way he probably is unconcerned at your financial struggle to afford legal advice).

Is he working?

Why are you running around trying to sort out a neutral territory for handover while he merely shrugs off any responsibility for fixing this by saying 'got no money for a solicitor, you have to deal with me directly'?

However, I really find it weird that the Police believe they can issue a harassment order for the abusive visits while saying if he visits quietly at the same location, it's not harassment. It's like being half-pregnant. Either his approaches in general are classed as harassment (they are unwelcome) or he is fully barred from door-stopping you completely. An order that welcomes him popping by anytime he likes as long he doesn't shout isn't worth the paper it's written on - harassment isn't about noise levels but repeated actions. Raise this toothless, worthless order with your local MP.

Tell the Police that you want their belief that the Citizens Advice Bureau's advice is wrong put in writing to you. I doubt they will do this but perhaps you can flag up to the Head of CAB Legal Dept that X Policeforce have informed you that webpage is incorrect so can they clarify matters with you or update the content.

And suppose you ignore the police advice and insist that you will not grant access until he involves a solicitor or mediator? What can the Police do? Nothing - you are not committing an offence as far as I know. And what can he do? Nothing (apart from knock at the door without shouting while his texts and emails are blocked).

I am not advising you to ignore all contact from him (and thus access to his children) until he gets a solicitor in place but I am asking you to research the consequences (if any) if you decide that since the Police aren't helping you, and he's not helping you, you are blocking him until he does something more productive than door-stop.

I mean, the Police, are they likely to swing by and insist you hand over the kids then and there if you blank his door knocking? Will a court convene the next day and award custody of the children to him? Or is the case that he simply has to whistle until he himself takes the time, effort or expense to arrange a regular neutral handover to see his kids and a legal document that covers the ownership of the dog (which he seems to think you are simply minding for him so he can take him for a walk whenever he fancies)?

I'm asking what are his rights and options if you stand firm on your preference that he can't swing by whenever he likes on the excuse of picking up the kids? What, if any, consequences are there, if you ignore his visits in order to force him to accept the fact that all you want is an end to his visits and neutral child collection/drop off? Hopefully your solicitor will give you true legal advice, as opposed to the Police preferences disguised as law.

[Deleted User]

I think that once the harassment warning is issued, my ex can't call at the door for any reason. This action was agreed to finally because my 18 year old confirmed he was shouting and swearing at the door on two previous occasions. I have to be honest, I reported that he was shouting but didn't hear the swearing because I was concentrating on getting us and the dogs in the kitchen, so I was deliberately blocking out what he was actually saying. Before this latest set of police came round, I was told that he was allowed to call at the door, as long as it was about our son or the dogs, and he was behaving politely. Frustrating when I knew he was doing it to harrass only.

The fact that he is texting, calling and emailing peaceably is the reason that the harassment warning can't include these communication methods. I don't understand it, but the harrassment it produces, and the reasons why he is doing this (to harrass) makes no difference.

I believe the police were saying that I had to seem to be reasonable about access. I assume that because the law does not regard 90% of what he does as harassment, there is legally no reason for me to refuse him access to our son. The police told me I had to actively encourage it. Which yes, means I have to leave myself open to harassment. Not good. I've reported what happened when I did again yesterday.

Oh well, I await the letters I need to get legal aid and hope (knowing it may be a wasted hope) that there is someone legally qualified somewhere that can see that what my ex does is with intent, and is harassment or a continuation of the abuse. Time will tell.

If these police officers contact me again (they said they would let me know when the harassment warning had been given to my ex) I will try and get their comments on the CAB link, and contact the CAB about this. Who knows, it may lead to a way forward.

One good thing has come out of this, I am now having no problems at all walking the dogs, they are both walking to heel and the GSD is now responding to me fully, as he did to my ex. Walks are becoming a pleasure. Just in case anyone else has similar difficulties when an ex isn't around any more. It does improve. This is one thing I am actually in control of lol!

bellevie

To actively encourage contact, if your son wishes to, could you send a recorded delivery letter stating date time & place to do a handover.

What would happen, would your ex take your son, leave you alone and meet back at the agreed place?

If you had a way of proving you had encouraged contact - a text, email, letter - and proof that he had refused it - it would help you a lot.

http://www.naccc.org.uk/find-a-contact-centre look up your region, I tested it out on my area, one was a free service that also offer handovers and take self referrals, the other was an initial £30 fee, then £1 handover, or £2 per child per visit if they stay on site.

If you can contact your local centre, get a letter drawn up suggesting meeting there with the cost involved (if any) - that will be your proof that you have gone out of your way to find a way for your son to see his dad.

Unfortunately there are people that are spiteful and stop ex partners having access where children would not be at risk, that does mean that we mainly get tarred with the same brush, so if you had proof that you tried and he isn't interested, it may go a long way in your favour.

Doing this could also send a message to the ex that you are not frightened of him, and you have no interest in him other than arranging what your son needs.

[Deleted User]

OK I have messed up quite badly and don't know where to turn.

The police did give my ex a harassment warning, strongly worded.

I contacted him and agreed to take our son to him at a local supermarket car park. Obviously he wasn't pleased about the harassment warning and was refusing for quite a while to even tell me when he was bringing him back .., his own play on the 'should only be communication between us to arrange contact with our son'. It was a stressful day.

I have also got housing problems. Won't go into them in great detail except that I have the typical 'won't do repairs unless totally forced to' landlord, he is horrible and whenever I see him it tends to be quite frustrating and make me feel totally powerless. He wanted to do an inspection yesterday. I was so so worried about this. Needed to frame the loft hatch (yes one of the many things my ex had said he would do) got the stuff, and found I was just two inches too short to reach even with the step thing I have. Dreading LL's reaction to the felt roof on the extension having disintegrated (lots of water coming in every time it rains, going to be a long fight to get him to repair it properly judging by past experience, he knew the roof was in need of repair but tends to move tiles around or flashing or something and it lasts a while, til the next rain storm). Now the felt has disintegrated on another part of the roof I dread the long haul to get him to repair it.

Been feeling worse and worse physically, walking is more difficult but GP won't investigate possibility I have arthritis because I am only 50. I have painkillers but tend to put up with it.

Since i cleaned the mould from the bathroom and hallway, asthma has gotten worse. Chronically tired. Stressed. Asked my ex to be there when LL arrives for his inspection, he always seems to be able to deal with him and reach an agreement whereas I can't. Don't think the LL is good with females. But you can imagine, I get a harassment warning against my ex.., then say can you please be here when the LL calls? That was a no no and I knew it. But didn't know what else to do.

I had saved £300 towards a deposit if LL does want to evict.., need so much more but it was a start. Then my older son wanted it as I had borrowed some money from him some time ago. Tried to explain priorities but morally, I understood his viewpoint. Gave him the money.

And I am afraid I blew a fuse. Its all too much. Terrified of being homeless (our local housing dept is very good at finding people voluntarily homeless), don't know how to deal with the LL, got women's aid telling me I have options but basically it comes down to having no contact with my ex or getting on the roundabout of contact with him again. Got the harassment warning, then invited him in again. No legal help as I have no grounds to get an injunction or anything. No one to talk to. And I blew a fuse.

I walked out, am a diabetic, took no insulin, knowing full well I'd be dead in a couple of days (my body really doesn't react well to insulin lack, more so than most). Told my ex to go to the house as he had to be able to to a better job with the kids than me. All my caring for the kids was gone. All I wanted was to be dead. And I felt I deserved to die. Why couldn't I make this work? Why couldn't I find a solution? And I abandoned my kids to a guy that I know deep down will not treat them right psychologically. Although my caring was turned off, even I knew that was unforgivable.

So I wandered around London for hours. Not crying, just hating myself. Feeling like there are no options. I make no excuses.

Finally I did phone home, had my older son begging me to come home, ex saying he'd called the police and I'd have some music to face but running away wasn't the right idea. I didn't let myself think about it, I came back, walked quite a bit of the way because trains could only take me part of the way. Just about made it home before I got really ill at about 2am yesterday. Talked to Kids in the morning, apologised, explained as best as I could. Saw police, explained as best I could and stupid me, said they could cancel the harrassment order as even to me, it is kind of bullsh1tting to have a harrassment warning against someone and two minutes later ask for their help, and leaving them in charge of the kids. I still wasn't thinking straight. Still can't understand how I could have walked out. Found out that my ex had told both kids it was all their fault. Older son tried to say that my ex contributed to it but he wouldn't listen. I had talked to my ex but he didn't have much to say. He didn't have a go at me either. My ex did contact the LL and put off the inspection. Thank god.

So what do I do now? I didn't have any options before..,I have less now. And now I am truly nutty. Even I didn't see the 'fuse blowing' coming. I was quite ill yesterday throwing up etc, so I haven't been to see my GP yet. Could barely walk, hip locked up as well.

I am sorry, I know I look really bad, totally self obsessed, I was. I can't excuse it. I should never have walked away from the kids, God knows what that did to them. I am so pathetic. I have tried to talk it over with them but know it isn't as easy as that. I so wish I was someone else. But I'm not, I'm just me and me isn't any good at anything. I still don't know what to do.

Keeping_Positive

You're reactions are understandable given the amount of pressure you are under. I have ldft my abusive partner but stay in contact because of the kids. Trouble is we spent so long together I spend time with him out of habit when I know it's wrong.

Womens aid say you have ootions, have they advised whether you are low mid or high risk? I would say atvleast midcrisk which means you should be entitled to an outreach worker

feel fred to pm me. I am at work and out this evening but I will respond asap

dandy-candy

As much as you want rid of your ex, it seems that at moments of stress he is the person you call. First with the landlord inspection, and then when it all became too much.
Are you sure that there isn't a possibility to sort your relationship out with counselling?

purpleshoes_2

dandy-candy wrote: »

As much as you want rid of your ex, it seems that at moments of stress he is the person you call. First with the landlord inspection, and then when it all became too much.
Are you sure that there isn't a possibility to sort your relationship out with counselling?

Id hope not given some of the stuff shes been through with him.

And the way he seems to treat the kids.

BigAunty

Call the Samaritans - a free, confidential, non-judgemental and sympathetic ear. They are the perfect organisation for someone having a crisis like yours. Offload all the misery and stress that you are under.

Be kind to yourself - with your ex, landlord, police, council and so on pushing your buttons, try to be gentle and non-judgemental with yourself.

You have years of abuse, disabilities, low income and poor housing to cope with. You are allowed to make decisions that you later feel are wrong - you can't think straight for all the multiple hassles that come at you from all directions.

After calling the Samaritans, then book an appointment with a different GP or move surgeries, whatever it takes to get someone to take your pain and mental health seriously.

Is there any free or cheap counselling in your area?