Help OH is ruining everything

Reverbe

puddy wrote: »

im not sure where i have said this

i did say that i think that some people on here talk about their OH as if they were children and that they come across as if they dictate what they eat

QUOTE]
no offence but tbh some of their men come across like children, big babies throwing tantrums over food..:cool:

puddy

ColleenPamela wrote: »

I don't see it as a right or not a right to be honest...when you've come to make your packed lunch in the morning and everything you've bought for yourself is gone...when you've agreed to buy treats for him and you and you go to the cupboards and all of yours are gone but none of his...

I get a bit upset sometimes over it. I'm trying to chill out and be a better girlfriend but it's just not working, and I don't really know what to do.

I love him to pieces and I'm very lucky that he's a very hardworking, man about thehouse type of person. He's incredibly supportive of a lot of things I do and want to do but at the moment because we see and treat food differently I'm getting quite depressed at not being able to keep up with what he wants our food stocks and meals to be like.

That's all.

yes, im using the word 'right' in the absence of a better word. i can understand how you feel, everyone has their quirks and problems, we all do and food is a real basic thing and so its important. does he come shopping with you at all. we go shopping together now which does make things easier, it must be the mentality though because if i pick something up because its something i fancy, he'll immediately think its for him so if he doesnt like it he'll say 'oh i dont like that, dont get that' - its not for you!!
its like the whole world centres around them!

i consider myself a very good cook, very into different world foods, i have travelled a lot, i love to learn about different cooking techniques and have quite strong views on how things should be served and cooked, what flavours go with others etc

then i meet someone who is stuck in the 50s, is meat and 2 veg and has a long list of 'wont eats', i felt the same as you (plus of course he has these irrational views about use bys) AND one meal isnt enough!

so i do understand, but i do think there needs to be give and take, do you do your shopping weekly? are there things that only he likes or you like which you could use to make sure theres enough for you both?

puddy

Reverbe wrote: »

puddy wrote: »

im not sure where i have said this

i did say that i think that some people on here talk about their OH as if they were children and that they come across as if they dictate what they eat

QUOTE]
no offence but tbh some of their men come across like children, big babies throwing tantrums over food..:cool:

so would you say that someone who has a high level of anxiety about dirt, lifts, enclosed spaces, heights and didnt want to do it as having a tantrum?

PipneyJane

ColleenPamela wrote: »

I don't see it as a right or not a right to be honest...when you've come to make your packed lunch in the morning and everything you've bought for yourself is gone...when you've agreed to buy treats for him and you and you go to the cupboards and all of yours are gone but none of his...

I get a bit upset sometimes over it. I'm trying to chill out and be a better girlfriend but it's just not working, and I don't really know what to do.

Have you actually called him on it? Does he know he's doing it and hurting you in the process? Quite often people suffer in silence or (and I hate this) hint at what is wrong without openly stating it. You don't have to get nasty about it but you could ask, "Darling, why did you eat all my such-and-such? I was saving it for lunch and now there aren't any."

Also, did he know this stuff was for you and not for him? People often assume their partners are aware of things they know nothing about. (Mind you, my sister does this all the time - she can't remember if she told me about x or my other sister so assumes we'll know what/who she's talking about when she starts a story in the middle.)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

puddy wrote: »

so would you say that someone who has a high level of anxiety about dirt, lifts, enclosed spaces, heights and didnt want to do it as having a tantrum?

Some of them, yes.

Mainly because the people I have known who have genuine anxieties (one was trapped in a bombed out house for hours as a small child, some autistic, some with OCD) have been quite capable of recognising their reactions are disproportionate and at least making an effort to compromise. For example, my brother is petrified of hospitals. Ever since he was 12 and in one for the first time. Was the last time he ever went to a doctor or any kind. He has very structured patterns - but he got in an ambulance with my mother and spent the night in A & E with her because he knew it was unreasonable to refuse.


But the man who decides he is quite content for the rest of the household to go hungry for the rest of the week because he wants to use everything at once (particularly when he wasn't in my case even living with us or paying a penny towards the food in question), knowing that this will deprive everyone else in the house of food and the funds to feed themselves, is not behaving like a grown man. He is effectively saying 'but I WANT it ALL and I WANT it NOW!!! You're not having it tomorrow, I'm having it NOW!!!'


or, by refusing it (particularly when they will quite happily eat it if they have decided they want it), is saying something along the lines of


'NO NO NO NO NO it's all bad, it's yucky it's horrid nasty scary funny food and I don't want it and you can't make me do it and I don't want you to say it's unreasonable cos I'm a big boy and I'm not going to eat all my dinner up because I don't want pie and vegetables today, I want beans and sausages and chips and ketchup and ice cream and I want a McDonalds and not a nasty beefburger prepared at home cos McDonalds is better and I'll eat it next Tuesday when you've got something else because it's poison today and won't be then'



You don't experience a Sunday dinner with half an ounce of meat between you and two children because someone has decided that there is fat in the leg of lamb and has thrown away all but the bit on the edge of a whole leg joint (and will go out and get themselves a doner kebab and chips later because they are still hungry) without thinking that there is something about control and commanding people to obey them and very little about actually eating food involved in the matter.

notatvstar

... me and the OH are both control freaks so we frequently argue about food. I think ultimately it's about respect and the ability to make choices. He's learnt from me and I've learnt from him. I'm better at meat and general cooking and he's better at baking and making pasta. I like snacking, he loves it too, but won't admit it. He hates fish, but I love it... I have to buy fish and keep it for lunches in my fridge at work so I don't have to put up with 'Eurgh... it smells like a prozzies fuzzy in here' everytime he s*dding opens the fridge door. etc etc etc... At least I stopped him from using prime cuts of meat in curries, soups and stews buy making better ones with cheaper cuts (BECAUSE THAT'S THE POINT OF CURRIES, SOUPS AND STEWS!!!!!!.... and breathe... only took a year!)

sorry - got distracted.

... It takes time but eventually you'll have to work out a compromise - or gravitate to one naturally. It does happen, and there'll be hissy fits and tantrums from either of you. The 'push to shove' thing is the fact you can't afford his feeding preferences. How you communicate this to him is entirely dependent on your relationship.

Keep your receipts, keep a food log, keep your head and keep your cool. But also keep communicating with him. A meal plan is just a meal PLAN... just because you've bought mince for a spag bol doesn't mean you can't turn what's left over into a lasagna the next day - or perhaps have it with cannelloni - or even s*d the spag bol and have mince and tatties instead - all you have to do is ask him what he wants and give him choices.

(Unless you've had a rough day then just give him what you can be @rsed cooking - "tonight dearest... steak tartare!")

notatvstar

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

You don't experience a Sunday dinner with half an ounce of meat between you and two children because someone has decided that there is fat in the leg of lamb and has thrown away all but the bit on the edge of a whole leg joint (and will go out and get themselves a doner kebab and chips later because they are still hungry) without thinking that there is something about control and commanding people to obey them and very little about actually eating food involved in the matter.

... whoa - scary. Been somewhere similar (no kids though). I eat the stuff he doesn't want and I've learnt to let him chose the joint.

Before any of you ask the q. Yes - put it this way - I came home from work one day and found he'd sorted my books out on my shelves in order of colour.:eek:

MessyMare

PipneyJane wrote: »

Have you actually called him on it? Does he know he's doing it and hurting you in the process? Quite often people suffer in silence or (and I hate this) hint at what is wrong without openly stating it. You don't have to get nasty about it but you could ask, "Darling, why did you eat all my such-and-such? I was saving it for lunch and now there aren't any."

Also, did he know this stuff was for you and not for him? People often assume their partners are aware of things they know nothing about. (Mind you, my sister does this all the time - she can't remember if she told me about x or my other sister so assumes we'll know what/who she's talking about when she starts a story in the middle.)

I used to tell him, often getting the reply that if it's in his house, it's fair game.

Now I don't say anything, because that way if it gets eaten, it's my fault for not saying, and I can cope with being angry at myself better than I can cope with being angry at him.

I think more of the problem lies with me- I'm quite insecure, I don't like raising issues in case it all goes sour. I grew up in a household full of shouting, screaming and pushing and it freaks me out to argue. I wish I could learn to just let go!

puddy

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Some of them, yes.

Mainly because the people I have known who have genuine anxieties (one was trapped in a bombed out house for hours as a small child, some autistic, some with OCD) have been quite capable of recognising their reactions are disproportionate and at least making an effort to compromise. For example, my brother is petrified of hospitals. Ever since he was 12 and in one for the first time. Was the last time he ever went to a doctor or any kind. He has very structured patterns - but he got in an ambulance with my mother and spent the night in A & E with her because he knew it was unreasonable to refuse.


But the man who decides he is quite content for the rest of the household to go hungry for the rest of the week because he wants to use everything at once (particularly when he wasn't in my case even living with us or paying a penny towards the food in question), knowing that this will deprive everyone else in the house of food and the funds to feed themselves, is not behaving like a grown man. He is effectively saying 'but I WANT it ALL and I WANT it NOW!!! You're not having it tomorrow, I'm having it NOW!!!'


or, by refusing it (particularly when they will quite happily eat it if they have decided they want it), is saying something along the lines of


'NO NO NO NO NO it's all bad, it's yucky it's horrid nasty scary funny food and I don't want it and you can't make me do it and I don't want you to say it's unreasonable cos I'm a big boy and I'm not going to eat all my dinner up because I don't want pie and vegetables today, I want beans and sausages and chips and ketchup and ice cream and I want a McDonalds and not a nasty beefburger prepared at home cos McDonalds is better and I'll eat it next Tuesday when you've got something else because it's poison today and won't be then'



You don't experience a Sunday dinner with half an ounce of meat between you and two children because someone has decided that there is fat in the leg of lamb and has thrown away all but the bit on the edge of a whole leg joint (and will go out and get themselves a doner kebab and chips later because they are still hungry) without thinking that there is something about control and commanding people to obey them and very little about actually eating food involved in the matter.

crikey where did that come from

Sambucus_Nigra

ColleenPamela wrote: »

I used to tell him, often getting the reply that if it's in his house, it's fair game.

Now I don't say anything, because that way if it gets eaten, it's my fault for not saying, and I can cope with being angry at myself better than I can cope with being angry at him.

I think more of the problem lies with me- I'm quite insecure, I don't like raising issues in case it all goes sour. I grew up in a household full of shouting, screaming and pushing and it freaks me out to argue. I wish I could learn to just let go!

Wow. Is the rest of the relationship like this?