Feeling lonely

Blackpool_Saver

rosie_78 wrote: »

I lost most of mine when my mum was ill, as I was early 20's and unable to go out anymore. Took on responsibility as her carer and my siblings carer too. But I know what you mean about friends being !!!! too.


I do hope that you're able to find trust with people. Have you ever spoken to anyone professionally about this? xx xx

Yes, thanks for asking. I am better than I was but can't get back to who I was before my encounter with the sociopath/narcissist

JoW123

Deleted_User wrote: »

I can relate to all that is written in the last few pages. I have also posted some threads about being lonely here in the past.

Since my marriage break up nearly 2 years ago, it seems I am still focusing mainly on the children, my work, house and just getting through the day to day stuff.

I do have a few friends, but Im not part of a mummy crowd or feel that on a day to day level I have someone I can pop round to or have someone who wants to pop into to me. My FB pages are filled with people/mums that I know from school that are out doing things together or having saturday night antics. I don't get invited.

I've asked my few close friends (who I see by arrangement due to location), if its me or anything I'm doing. They don't think it is that. I wonder if its because I can't pretend things are ok if they are not. I would rather talk to someone and sort it out if they have upset me, than !!!!! about them behind their back and smile sweetly to my face. I wonder if people can't handly my directness, it makes them uncomfortable. So they stay away. They like the pretence, the fake "hi huns", the look how many friends I have. I prefer to say it how I see it, I like to treat others as I wish to be treated, I don't make excuses or lie to one's face to get out of a situation. Others do, but clearly its doing me no favours.

Still I can't be who I am not, I am a true friend, I don't muck people about and if I make plans with you, I stick to them despite other offers coming along.

Its still lonely though, especially when I am home night after night, the kids are in bed and it feels everyone else's life is more fulfilling with their perfect husbands, gorgeous families and someone by their side to support them through the good/bad.

I've had that, it was taken away twice and now I am still unsure which direction my life is heading. I wonder if I just don't fit in and will always be one of these people who will remain on the outside forever looking in.

Because I don't do much socially now and I don't really go anywhere or see many people outside of work and school, I have noticed I have lost my confidence and ability to make small talk. I can get so lost in my own thoughts, I find myself frequently not knowing what to say/pass the time of day. Conversation, I have noticed is becoming a more challenging skill. I find that the thought of going out seems un-nerving and daunting on a social level in case I am not funny enough, not cool enough, too quiet, too serious. You get my drift. Maybe I over analyse, but I think I am more of an introvert even though I enjoy being around others, I am not the life and soul, but I am more myself with my closer friends.

I can really identify with a lot of this. I've been on my own with 2 children for nearly 5 years now and it is really tough. I've a few close friends but don't belong to any of the groups etc at school. It's just the way it is. I think it becomes a way of life and I don't know the way out of it or know where I'm going long-term either.

going_nowhere_fast

Deleted_User wrote: »

I can relate to all that is written in the last few pages. I have also posted some threads about being lonely here in the past.

Since my marriage break up nearly 2 years ago, it seems I am still focusing mainly on the children, my work, house and just getting through the day to day stuff.

I do have a few friends, but Im not part of a mummy crowd or feel that on a day to day level I have someone I can pop round to or have someone who wants to pop into to me. My FB pages are filled with people/mums that I know from school that are out doing things together or having saturday night antics. I don't get invited.

I've asked my few close friends (who I see by arrangement due to location), if its me or anything I'm doing. They don't think it is that. I wonder if its because I can't pretend things are ok if they are not. I would rather talk to someone and sort it out if they have upset me, than !!!!! about them behind their back and smile sweetly to my face. I wonder if people can't handly my directness, it makes them uncomfortable. So they stay away. They like the pretence, the fake "hi huns", the look how many friends I have. I prefer to say it how I see it, I like to treat others as I wish to be treated, I don't make excuses or lie to one's face to get out of a situation. Others do, but clearly its doing me no favours.

Still I can't be who I am not, I am a true friend, I don't muck people about and if I make plans with you, I stick to them despite other offers coming along.

Its still lonely though, especially when I am home night after night, the kids are in bed and it feels everyone else's life is more fulfilling with their perfect husbands, gorgeous families and someone by their side to support them through the good/bad.

I've had that, it was taken away twice and now I am still unsure which direction my life is heading. I wonder if I just don't fit in and will always be one of these people who will remain on the outside forever looking in.

Because I don't do much socially now and I don't really go anywhere or see many people outside of work and school, I have noticed I have lost my confidence and ability to make small talk. I can get so lost in my own thoughts, I find myself frequently not knowing what to say/pass the time of day. Conversation, I have noticed is becoming a more challenging skill. I find that the thought of going out seems un-nerving and daunting on a social level in case I am not funny enough, not cool enough, too quiet, too serious. You get my drift. Maybe I over analyse, but I think I am more of an introvert even though I enjoy being around others, I am not the life and soul, but I am more myself with my closer friends.

I think an awful lot of people have 'friends' who are really just acquitances, or people who are there to go out drinking with or chat to on facebook but they are not genuine friends who would come to your house to see if you need a hand when you are poorly, or someone who would telephone you just to say hello. There is nothing wrong with having casual friendships like that but they don't compare with real friends (in my personal opinion).

I can understand that feeling that everyone has really fullfilling lives but there are plenty of couples who it is just a show. At home behind closed doors they do not speak to one another or one partner thinks they have a brilliant marriage but their other half is secretly seeing someone else behind their partners back. I have been on holiday as a single parent and have noticed a hell of a lot of couples who do not speak to one another at all so what exactly is the point in them being together? Of course I know lots of people are happy but when you are feeling insecure or lonely yourself it is easy to think that everyone has a great life when only some of them do.

I've been single for several years and have no desire for another relationship (the old one was bad enough to put me off) and do not want to bring a man in to my child's life so in that sense I am very happy but it has meant that I too have lost the knack of being able to strike up small talk and haven't socialised for that long (no babysitter or spare funds means people don't ask anymore) that the thought of getting dressed up and going on a night out terrifies me!!!

[Deleted User]

Thank u both for validating my feelings. I'm sorry we share similar feelings but I am grateful to you confiding yours.

I feel unsuccessful and unlikeable that people will only notice me or want to be around me if I have a man around to make a couple with. My ex husband has moved on and met someone and I feel left on the shelf because I haven't. I've dipped my toe back in but quickly withdraw to my shell. It's scary starting again and there has to be enough chemistry. I'm not making do or settling for anyone just to be part of a couple. But I feel I've failed as I'm on my own. I know that's bonkers but I'm being honest. I wouldn't choose to be on my own I guess. It's been forced on me, but I am too choosy that it's hard think I may meet someone decent and kind, plus my kids come first.

brightonman123

with weather turning nice, why not take up a sport9 cycling, swimming, self defence classes etc?


any activity will boost morale, and fitness. maybe lead to some encounters, too!

going_nowhere_fast

Deleted_User wrote: »

My ex husband has moved on and met someone and I feel left on the shelf because I haven't.

But is he happy in his new relationship that's the question?

He might be.

Then again he might not be.

Some people are unable to be on their own. My ex from years ago couldn't be on his own so when one relationship ended, he had a replacement lined up to take her place. On the outside he is a very happy successful person, on the inside he is a very lonely insecure person which is why he always needs to be in a relationship.

Your confidence will likely improve with time, it is just a long slow process. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I still feel insecure and like no one is interested in anything I have to say but it is getting better.

tayforth

Hugs to you all. I'm feeling lonely at the minute too, so I can relate to you. You all seem like lovely people

How are you today, rosie? xxx

rosie_78

not so good today. sorry

tayforth

(((((((((rosie))))))))))))

Sending you lots of hugs, sounds like you need them. Some days are worse than others, aren't they? xxxx

kiwi84

Hi Rosie, good to hear from you again. I was off the internet for a couple of weeks and came back and your old thread was gone, glad you're still there after all!

I think the bird group is a great idea- what about other groups too? I know you read a lot, are there any book clubs in your area? Or evening classes? My sister had a really bad bout of depression when she was living in a new area and didn't know anyone. She eventually did a creative writing class which she loved, and is still in touch with several of her classmates. Or are there any animal shelters near you that you could volunteer at? I think I remember you said you like animals but aren't allowed pets in your house.

I've just been packing up my stuff as I'm moving house soon, and I came across loads of old drawings from various times in my life- none very good, but they really helped me work through things at the time and it was really gratifying to look back at the things I had done. I don't know if you like drawing or writing or music in some way, but maybe something down that line- you always feel really good after spending some time on yourself, even if its just drawing angry black and red squiggles on some paper. Music lessons? Join a choir? Glad you're still there x