and his world has come crashing down

Marshmallow82

but I thought his new g/f was pregnant?!

GobbledyGook

I hope it works out for you.

In many people's eyes I "took back" my husband after he cheated on me. We had a separation that got really quite ugly at times, mostly until he admitted he'd cheated.

However, what I will say to you is that we got divorced, we built separate lives and when we got back together it was under very different terms from before. It's not the same and it never will be, but the biggest reason for that is that neither of us want to it be. He worked really, really hard to get back into my life as anything more than the children's father. Has your ex/oh shown any inclination of trying hard for you?

Please don't take him back because you are lonely. Take him back because you want too, because he has changed or has tried to change, or because you believe you can work through it together, but not just because you are lonely because then he'll walk all over you.

Also do not underestimate the impact him having a child with someone else will have. That means the woman is always going to be a part of his life - do you trust him or is that going to eat away at you? What is going to happen when you see the child? My OH had a child (unplanned) while we were split, if that had been with the woman he had an affair (or if he'd been in a relationship with the mum actually) with there's no way I'd have taken him back as that would have been a slap in the face everytime I seen the child and would have been like constantly picking the scab.

Loneliness when you are single is horrible. Loneliness when you are with someone is even worse imo.

Good luck.

alias*alibi

Person_one wrote: »

I hope alias*alibi comes back to the thread. She took back her cheating husband and its been incredibly difficult ever since, it might be good for you to hear her experiences.

I'm here! Yep; affair started 4 years ago, been back together nearly 3 years and it's only recently that it doesn't eat away at me as much as it did. The OW flashes across my mind still, I often think about the future when his daughter comes looking for her dad Etc etc. OP; there were days I wondered why I took my OH back, hated the sight of him but 3 years on my daughter is a changed girl. We got back together for her sake as she was going off the rails, but she's turned herself around. However I'm sure if I didn't have a daughter I would had run, but I didn't because of her and it's back to as normal as it can get. Just be prepared for lots of heartache, emotional wrangling, utter hatred for the OW, days when you wonder if you can stick at it. It will be a long hard slog but I wish you lots of luck. It's bluddy hard to do but if you're prepared to fight for him it may be worth it.

Edited to say I wish I had been as strong as the poster below. I also agree with most she is saying. One other thing to say is do not underestimate how you will feel on the day the OW's baby is born. That day near on killed me mentally. Be prepared for every emotion.

I_try

I am the flip side of that same coin. OH had affair and resulting baby. Threw him out and divorced him as quick as I could.


I am still single and ok, sometimes I feel lonely, BUT I felt so much more lonely when I was married to him and he was lying and lying and lying to me. With hindsight he was emotionally abusive over a number of years and this worsened towards the end of my pregnancy and once DD was born. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.


It is now 2 years down the line and what I miss is having someone to go to, someone to share things with in the evening. I do not miss HIM. He wants me to take him back and has tried to show me that I should take him back by doing various things but he can't help making those little comments that make me feel bad about myself that he clearly thinks are ok to say. I know full well that he still lies to me about silly little things so who knows what bigger things he still lies about.


I couldn't cope with the prospect of years of having his 'other' child coming every other weekend or waiting for it to come looking for him. Ex-OH said if I took him back he'd never see other child again and it made me dislike him even more. As much as I don't like it he is that childs father, and it has every right to a relationship with its father, I could not be the one responsible for that not happening. There is nothing to say that he would not lie to me and carry on seeing it/them as he had been anyway.


He lied and gaslighted me for such a long period of time. I am not yet at a stage where I can say that I am happy but I know that I am not as unhappy as I was or would be if I took him back.


Sorry for the long post! I am not saying you should not take him back, people can rebuild a good relationship after an affair, but please do think about all the things that both choices entail. Look at the long term not just the short term. You do not need to make hasty decisions, you will have days where you feel as strong as an ox and others where you feel that you can not possibly face another thing alone. You must do what is right for you. The decision you make now does not necessarily mean you are bound to it forever.


Your life, your way.


Apologises for the long and rambling post!!!!


Edited to add: I have maintained a friendly relationship with ex for the sake of our DD. Her relationship with him needs to be her choice and not influenced by my view of him at this time. He knows that DD is the only reason I have any contact with him.

Ettenna

I Try - your story almost mirrors mine!! I am now loving the single life and have no interest in meeting someone else for the time being (not even looked!!). I would never, never in a million years have taken him back after he got the tart pregnant. It has been very difficult at times but getting easier.

Please don't take him back if you are just lonely.

GedlingRed

Is this for real? If this isn't a wind up and you have decided to take him back because over the course of 1 week you are lonely then god help you. You are opening yourself up to a life of misery, why do some women let themselves be victims like this? Kick him and his pregnant girlfriend to the curb, delete Facebook and move on and make a happy life for you and your daughter.

egoode

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

You have to make your own decisions in life however don't rush back into your relationship as to how it was. He needs to make big changes and you are going to have to find a way to trust him again.

Is it possible to stay at you Mum's place while you work things out with him to give yourself a space to sort out your feelings. I'm not saying don't go back to him but maybe don't move back in straight away.

However I certainly think going back just because you can't bear the loneliness is a pretty bad reason to go back to him.

Mojisola

egoode wrote: »

Is it possible to stay at you Mum's place while you work things out with him to give yourself a space to sort out your feelings.

Is this possible? Meesha - the decision you make is not only for you but will affect your daughter too.

His other woman will be in your lives forever now because of his other child.

Would you want your daughter to settle for the life you're going to have instead of a few months of loneliness while she got back on her feet?

PasturesNew

It's better to feel lonely alone, than to feel lonely when you're supposed to be with somebody ... with them and lonely ... they go out with a "dodgy story" and lonely.

bagpussbear

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

Oh no worst thing you could do.

The loneliness does pass you know. It's hard. You are clinging onto the past now, what's familiar and you don't want to let it go.

I'm sure I read on here that the other woman was pregnant? by him?

I suspect you will go ahead and have you 'happy' wedding day, and for a while it will feel like everything has been put away and forgotten about, but then life will get back to normal and you will then have a husband who needs to go and support the woman who is about to give birth. The woman and the baby will be waved under your nose for the rest of your life. Do you think you can cope with that?

You deserve so much better you know, and it's shame that you cannot see that there is happiness with someone else you could have instead. Good luck, you'll very much need it.