and his world has come crashing down

thorsoak

I'm sorry to read this Meesha - but it is your life. I hope that you don't find yourself lonelier now that you've taken him back than you would have been on your own. Good luck, my dear - we'll always be here if you need us {{hugs}}

PeacefulWaters

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

You need to lay down some ground rules then.

1. He doesn't contact this other woman again. If they work together he needs to change jobs, ideally to a new employer. If not to a different role within the same firm that eliminates / minimises contact. No "remaining friends". No texts. No Facebook (ideally he comes off social media altogether).

2. He attends joint counselling with you. Not just once or twice, but a dozen times or more.

3. He makes an overwhelming effort to understand the devastation he has caused you and can be seen and felt by you to be making every effort to fix the damage goes done. If it doesn't feel like he is doing, you will feel a hell of a lot lonelier with him there than if he'd moved on.

4. You'll make a major effort with him in return. If he's prepared to do the above.

Assuming the cheating so and so is willing to come back, there is the risk that he will continue to see the other woman behind your back. Or flit backwards and forwards between you and her. Guard against it. Be prepared for it. You need to have a fallback point should it happen - to me loneliness in the short term is a better option than not being his exclusive companion.

Point (1) above would usually be a must. But I recall that she's carrying his child. That means no contact is an impossible thing to achieve, although the stuff around employment and other contact stands. It also means that less of his income is available to your family as he supports his other child.

I'd suggest you will need to be unbelievably strong when it comes to his access time with the child. You may wish to be there at pick up and drop off times to ensure they are quick and transactional moments and nothing more. But don't seek to stop access. The child has needs too.

Taking him back will NOT be easy. Don't roll over and let him do whatever he fancies. Clear rules. Both stick to them and you have a chance. But the child means he will always have a relationship with this woman. You are going to have to handle that forever.

Confusedandneedhelp

Perhaps I'm missing the obvious but what has his cheating got to do with seeing his daughter?

Never mind not relevant anymore.

FBaby

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

You know that he will know that? That ultimately, you will always get back to him because whatever he does, you rather be treated like rubbish than being on your own? That means that he will know he has full control of your relationship and will be able to do what he wants. If he feels like being faithful, he will be, but if not.... He is about to have a child with this other woman, therefore always have a reason to have contact with her...

It might feel like a relief to get back with him and get rid of the feeling of loneliness, but do consider the fact that it is very easy to start feeling even more lonely in a relationship when you are treated with no respect at all. Your decision will be a very short term relief, long term, you are opening yourself to feeling much more lonely, and it will get harder and harder to take the step to find yourself again.

I understand how you feel, I can sympathise, but I would advise you to get counselling help so that you can get stronger and go when you know you can do so.

FBaby

I've just remembered that the original thread was about getting married. Please please, if you are going to take him back, don't give him the satisfaction of acting like you can forget everything and pretend that nothing happened by marrying him. Everyone knows what he's done, so it's not like people would be shocked that the wedding is cancelled now.

babyblooz

People can give you all the advice they like but you probably won't be able to process it properly because you are still in shock.

My advice is nice and simple.

We have a saying round here, "if in doubt, do nowt"

So don't commit to anything yet, not for a long time.

Give your thoughts, all that hurt and confusion, time to settle.

If he really does love you (and I'd take some convincing) then he will show you by letting you make the rules and doing things in your own time.

Person_one

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

I hope alias*alibi comes back to the thread. She took back her cheating husband and its been incredibly difficult ever since, it might be good for you to hear her experiences.

marisco_2

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

Word to the wise. Consider for a moment just how lonely you will feel in a few weeks/months time, when he cashes in the 'do as you please, I will forgive you and take you back' card that you have just handed him, and cheats on you again!!!!

Once a cheat, always a cheat. By making the mistake of going back to him you aren't avoiding loneliness, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of insecurity and misery. Blunt yes but sadly I doubt I have it wrong.

CH27

Meesha.P wrote: »

sorry for waste your time i'm going to take him back i cant bear the lonelyness any more

You are condemning yourself to a future full of doubt & misery. Better to be a bit lonely for while than live with a cheat.

mountainofdebt

Loneliness is temporary self respect is forever