Heartbroken - just need to talk

Kayalana99

tayforth wrote: »

Can I ask what you see as the real problem?

xx

I will take a whack at this and I think he may be pointing out that your story is all men men men and the problem may lie in not wanting to be by yourself.

Personally I can't talk as I have been in and out of long term relationships since I was 15 with no more then a few weeks break and it never did me any harm.

tayforth

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Have you thought about what would happen if he gave you half the cost? Technically if he pays half he should be entitled to go..are you still planning on going even if by yourself?

Either way,

"Just to let you know your half of the holiday would of been XXX, I do think it is unfair for myself to be out of pocket for 100% of the cost given the agreement you would pay half and would appreciate if you ..." Then either say by cheque or whatever to your address? How ever you wanted him to do it.

It's polite, straight to the point...no hidden message.

I wouldn't go by myself.

If I got a friend to go, then naturally I wouldn't expect him to pay a penny.

The friend who's most likely to be able to go lives far away, so she'd be flying from a different airport. So I'd still be out of pocket for his flight.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I will take a whack at this and I think he may be pointing out that your story is all men men men and the problem may lie in not wanting to be by yourself.

Personally I can't talk as I have been in and out of long term relationships since I was 15 with no more then a few weeks break and it never did me any harm.

OK, fair comment.

But... I have had long periods of singledom (defined as mostly being on my own, with the odd casual date or short-term boyfriend of a month or two).

I was single until the age of 19, then had a boyfriend from age 19-22. I ended it, then was very happily single until I was 28, when I met my ex.

When I was considering ending my marriage, I had all those thoughts: can I survive on my own? But they were due to my ex reducing my self-esteem and confidence to zero. And I did it anyway. And I did survive, very well indeed. I felt free.

Sure, it's nice to be with someone, but only if they're the right person. Otherwise I would have latched onto the first guy who showed an interest in me. Two of the guys I went on dates with earlier this year were super-keen (and seemed very nice). They both pursued me for weeks. But I had no interest in them at all.

I very much wanted to be with this guy. Not just because he wanted me, but because I also wanted him and only him. Not just 'someone to be with'.

xx

sassyblue

Tayforth, like with your marriage break down l think you've been really strong here. It's awful to have your hopes taken away from you so casually by so done who claimed to care.

One thing I'm not sure about is contacting him for the money for the break away (as people are advising), he's not going to contribute his half if he can't keep his promises to even meet up. It'll just get you back in contact with him to be strung along more.

I think l would keep my dignity and ignore him, let him wonder what you did about it. Would you lose a sizeable deposit? x

tayforth

BrassicWoman wrote: »

FWIW I think you are making decisions which will turn out to be in your best interests.

What nice weekend plans are you making? Tennis, Pimms, wee bit of strawberry picking maybe?

Do you really think so? I'm just trying to figure out what's the best thing to do. And on this issue I am really stuck.

I have a few plans with friends for the weekend. Thank you, BrassicWoman, you're very kind xxx

sassyblue wrote: »

Tayforth, like with your marriage break down l think you've been really strong here. It's awful to have your hopes taken away from you so casually by so done who claimed to care.

One thing I'm not sure about is contacting him for the money for the break away (as people are advising), he's not going to contribute his half if he can't keep his promises to even meet up. It'll just get you back in contact with him to be strung along more.

I think l would keep my dignity and ignore him, let him wonder what you did about it. Would you lose a sizeable deposit? x

Thanks, sassyblue. You're probably right.

As for being strong, I haven't felt strong at all. Not this time. But I have got up every day and come into work, met up with friends, kept going really. So perhaps I have been strong in a way.


Re the trip. I would lose almost £300 if I didn't go. I'd lose £100 even if I did go, as I'd still be paying for his flight (the friend who might be able to go would be flying from another airport).

Azmataz

tayforth, I've followed your thread since its beginning back in April. Do you not consider that your agony is prolonged by returning to this thread and lingering on the details, most recently with the holiday cost? There's a limit to how cathartic dwelling on it can be.

I'd urge you to draw a line under this thread, have a good month or two away from reminders (i.e. this board in particular) and involve yourself with other things - cross stitch, reading club, spelunking... anything!

It's nigh on impossible to emotionally divest yourself of such an experience when you're regularly involved in dialogue about it.

Alikay

tayforth wrote: »

Re the trip. I would lose almost £300 if I didn't go. I'd lose £100 even if I did go, as I'd still be paying for his flight (the friend who might be able to go would be flying from another airport).

By going without him, you'd lose less cash, and still be getting a holiday. Cancel and you'd lose the holiday as well as the cash. If it's a city break, arm yourself with a Rough Guide and go sightseeing, if it's a more relaxing or beachy break, look forward to a few days lying by the pool with a book.

Personally I wouldn't contact him for his share of the cost as it'd mean opening up a dialogue with someone who doesn't deserve a moment more of your time, and the chances of getting the money from him are virtually nil anyway. Go and enjoy yourself, and if you can't actually enjoy it, at least you'll be miserable somewhere lovely!

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Tay I am going to be harsh now but this 'after' has been going on almost as long as the 'during'. Yes you met a player. Yes he played you for money as well as emotions. But you have to move on.

Go on the holiday - I went to new york on my own after a friend's brother decided he was having a surprise wedding that weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. You have to stop moping about and be more wary of people. Give yourself some time after your marriage to be on your own and enjoy your own company. This is not a healthy way to live.

jackieblack

a bit off topic but, on my way to Tesco this morning, I noticed that the car behind me had the numberplate TAY 4

Slinky

I wouldn't ask him for the money, and I wouldn't go on the holiday either. Given how long this has been dragging on now (remember, do not let this person live rent free in your mind for the rest of your life), you'd spend the holiday thinking about that you should have been doing things there with him.


Write it off, stop thinking about him or the money or the holiday and find something more positive to focus on.

justjohn

just go on holiday with your friend enjoy yourself and relax.