Heartbroken - just need to talk

tayforth

purpleshoes wrote: »

Its one text, asking him for the balance of the holiday he owes you. It doesnt need to mean you want to continue contacting him. A simple could you please settle the outstanding balance of the holiday.

If he ignores you he ignores you. But at least you'll have tried. Id actually be gutted if I had spent even £300-400 on a holiday and something happened so that I couldnt go, but Id be twice as gutted if I paid for someone elses share and they then !!!!!!ed off with some !!!! and bull story about a bash on the head and then resurfaced a few weeks later sending a text full of blah and no suggestion about repayment.

Youve been extremely considerate of his feelings to date so far, receiving one text asking for the money back wont be the end of the world for you or for him.

I know. It is really annoying.

Primrose wrote: »

Tay. Stop worrying about how he would feel and whether he would be uneasy or not receiving it. You're being too nice again. He didn't care a damn about how you felt being dumped. Just make a decision one way or the other by the end of this week and get the business over and done with. The longer you dither about it, the more you will be picking your emotional scab.

I actually think that it wouldn't do any harm if he were to feel uneasy, to be reminded of how badly he behaved.

OTOH, I feel that I've done the right thing in not replying to his text (or refusing to play the 'prove you love me' game).

Hmm...

jackieblack

tayforth wrote: »

I feel that I've done the right thing in not replying to his text (or refusing to play the 'prove you love me' game).

Hmm...

I agree, and I think that contacting him now to ask for the money would be a mistake.

Have you ruled out going anyway either on your own or with a friend?

Brighton_belle

tayforth wrote: »

I know. It is really annoying.




I actually think that it wouldn't do any harm if he were to feel uneasy, to be reminded of how badly he behaved.

OTOH, I feel that I've done the right thing in not replying to his text (or refusing to play the 'prove you love me' game).

Hmm...

I don't think asking for the money is remotely a 'prove you love me' game. You know now he doesn't anyway.
This is an 'adult to adult' request for his share of an agreed cost. Not asking for him could just as easily be called 'I'm too timid and fearful the poor ickle lambywamb is going to be all hurt' bah blah blah.
I don't think this, I just mean you can label responses anyway you like, any label you use is just a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Personally I would ask. If no response, then a short brief reply confirming he clearly has no integrity. But that's my agenda of wanting to let him know what a !!!! he's been. It's what you want to do that matters.

spender

Don't have any contact even if it is just about the holiday. He would have offered the money if he wanted too. You are just reopening wounds when you are starting the healing process. This became a deep relationship too quickly after the break up (been there done it and realised later that it was too much too soon because I wanted to feel special again)

BrassicWoman

FWIW I think you are making decisions which will turn out to be in your best interests.

What nice weekend plans are you making? Tennis, Pimms, wee bit of strawberry picking maybe?

iaps

Maybe it is worth before begining the search for a partner to fly in search of yourself - to meet your own freedom?
Are you still married to your abusive husband?

OP - From your posts one can learn that neither this forum members, nor your Mum, nor your friends, nor the police have helped you to see the real problem.

Please read, think and don't click "thank you" - here is your story excerpted from your posts:

[FONT=&quot]08-04-2013, 12:44 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I'm a very long-time poster but want to be anonymous for this, I'll be more honest this way. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So... I've been with my OH for 7 years. We got married last year, and it's been terrible, to be honest. He has been gradually destroying my feelings for him by being nasty to me, to the point where I don't think that I feel anything for him any more.
I've become more and more withdrawn, spending evenings and nights alone, making up excuses not to be in his company.
As well as this, I have feelings for one of his friends. I have always hoped that my feelings would lessen with time, but they haven't.
I might spend the rest of my life alone, and that terrifies me, but so does the thought of staying with my OH.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Here's the story,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I'll try to keep it short. One long weekend in 2006, a group of us went camping, sharing a huge tent. Sam and I had always got along, and one night we were in adjacent sleeping bags and his hand crept over to mine and held it. I knew that he was awake and he knew that I was awake, but we never spoke, just rubbed each other's palms and twisted our fingers together. It was lovely.
Unfortunately, he had to leave the next morning and we never got a chance to speak privately with the others around once we all woke up. I didn't see him for weeks afterwards and, in that time, OH and I got together. How I regret that. I do think that he liked me then, and I wish that things had been different.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]We've been having less and less sex throughout our relationship, as things have got worse. It didn't go from lots to none after our wedding.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We were engaged for about a year. And no, I didn't feel over the moon. And I didn't think that marriage would make things better, but I did think that perhaps we'd work things out.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Financially, I'll be fine, but the rest of it - yes, I'm afraid, I admit it.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I wish that I had chosen a better man, but there you go.

I've never used DH, we're not long married, I've always called him OH and never changed it. No hidden meaning. Is DH more affectionate?

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Do you know, I've never lived alone before. I've lived at home, then in uni halls, then in shared houses, then with OH (for the last 5 years). I'm a little scared, but it could be exciting too.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Just noticed that there have been over 14,000 views on this thread in 4 days.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I'm 35 btw.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]OH must still be at his mum's, he didn't come back last night. I did ask him last week to stay there the first couple of nights this week, so perhaps he has heeded me. All his stuff is still in the house, though.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I'll be leaving Mum's later and going back to our house (soon to be my house!). He's away tonight and we'll talk after work tomorrow. I want him and all of his stuff out of the house tomorrow night.

I've just phoned the LL and told him everything. He has kindly offered to chane the locks on Tuesday morning. We don't have a current lease - our last one expired 2 years ago. The LL is so easygoing that he didn't mind, and we always pay on time, so everyone is happy. He's going to draw up a new lease with just my name on it. Will that work?

I've decided to speak to the police this evening and get advice from them. If they feel that they should be there, I'll be glad of that.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I'm back at the house. He's at his mum's (I assume) for the night. I'm currently packing up his stuff. I also have the doors double locked. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]We've only been married a few months! What would entitle him to any of my money?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
The car is ours. We both paid cash for it. I have a record of giving him half the money for everything. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have no feelings for him whatsoever. I don't hate him, love him, like him, respect him. He's nothing to me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]22-04-2013, 8:30 PM He's gone.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
He took it better than I'd expected, at first anyway. He arrived here and saw all his stuff - seemed pretty shocked tbh. I asked him to leave. He said that he would, and that he was sorry for all his past behaviour. He admitted that he had been abusive towards me throughout our relationship, it was a relief to actually hear him say it. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]20-03-2014, 12:58 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] And then last week, totally out of the blue, I met this lovely guy at a charity event I was taking part in. He was just really friendly and nice. He didn't ask me out that day, but he did get my email address (from a round robin email about the event), and contacted me. We've been in touch for a few days, it's now progressed to swapping numbers and today he said that he'd love to take me out sometime. No messing about, just told me that he thinks I'm really nice. And I like him a lot. So we'll see what happens.
That's my news in a nutshell!! [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]26-03-2014, 2:22 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Now I have my house to myself, wonderful family and friends, supportive colleagues, a decent social life and to top it all off I've met a really nice guy who's giving me butterflies. But even if things don't work out with him, I know that I'll be just fine on my own.
I did get the wheels in motion! A few things needed sorted out first but fingers crossed I will be divorced in a few months' time! To be honest, I'm just treating it as another bit of admin. In my head, I am already free of the ex, so the paper confirmation will just be the cherry on top.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]24-04-2014, 2:19 PM No, the ex hasn't been in touch at all since last summer[/FONT][FONT=&quot], thank goodness. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]21-05-2014, 12:15 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] I met someone about two and a half months ago, and really thought that things were very special between us, and now it seems to be over, and my heart is broken. I'm actually taken aback by how sad I feel about it after such a short time.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But in the last couple of weeks, things have changed. He hasn't officially broken up with me, but I haven't seen him, and he's being evasive.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]27-05-2014, 4:14 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The first time:
He was supposed to meet me. I had to contact him by phone the next day to see what had happened. He said that he'd had to be taken to hospital as he was bleeding from his ear.

The second time (last Monday):
He was supposed to come to my place. He contacted me via text the next day to say that he'd had a panic attack in the car the evening before and had to call 2 family members to come and get him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]20-06-2014, 4:01 PM[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Four days before the accident (or 'the accident'), we booked a trip away for later in the summer. He was super keen on the idea, and talked about it a lot, saying that he couldn't wait and we should get it booked soon. Anyway, because it's a place that I know and he doesn't, I ended up booking it. He said that he'd give me half the money... and obviously he hasn't.[/FONT]

tayforth

jackieblack wrote: »

I agree, and I think that contacting him now to ask for the money would be a mistake.

Have you ruled out going anyway either on your own or with a friend?

I wouldn't go on my own. I may be able to get a friend to go.

Thank you jackieblack xx

spender wrote: »

Don't have any contact even if it is just about the holiday. He would have offered the money if he wanted too. You are just reopening wounds when you are starting the healing process. This became a deep relationship too quickly after the break up (been there done it and realised later that it was too much too soon because I wanted to feel special again)

You're right, spender. He would have offered the money if he had any decency.

I'm not sure whether my marriage breakup has any bearing on how quickly we became serious. But I suppose it's possible that I fell hard partly because he seemed so lovely and that was obviously a huge contrast with my ex.

purpleshoes_2

iaps wrote: »

Maybe it is worth before begining the search for a partner to fly in search of yourself - to meet your own freedom?
Are you still married to your abusive husband?

OP - From your posts one can learn that neither this forum members, nor your Mum, nor your friends, nor the police have helped you to see the real problem.

Please read, think and don't click "thank you" - here is your story excerpted from your posts:

What do you think the real problem is?

tayforth

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I don't think asking for the money is remotely a 'prove you love me' game. You know now he doesn't anyway.
This is an 'adult to adult' request for his share of an agreed cost. Not asking for him could just as easily be called 'I'm too timid and fearful the poor ickle lambywamb is going to be all hurt' bah blah blah.
I don't think this, I just mean you can label responses anyway you like, any label you use is just a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Personally I would ask. If no response, then a short brief reply confirming he clearly has no integrity. But that's my agenda of wanting to let him know what a !!!! he's been. It's what you want to do that matters.

See, this is also a very convincing argument. I have a very strong moral compass and I would never EVER not pay someone money I owe them. I'd be ashamed.

iaps wrote: »

Maybe it is worth before begining the search for a partner to fly in search of yourself - to meet your own freedom?
Are you still married to your abusive husband?

OP - From your posts one can learn that neither this forum members, nor your Mum, nor your friends, nor the police have helped you to see the real problem.

Please read, think and don't click "thank you" - here is your story excerpted from your posts:

Thank you, iaps. Food for thought, reading all that. I'm curious about the bits you've highlighted, and interested to hear more.

To answer your question: I am still married, but will very soon be divorced (I can't go into the reason for the delay, but it's happening).

Can I ask what you see as the real problem?

xx

Kayalana99

Have you thought about what would happen if he gave you half the cost? Technically if he pays half he should be entitled to go..are you still planning on going even if by yourself?

Either way,

"Just to let you know your half of the holiday would of been XXX, I do think it is unfair for myself to be out of pocket for 100% of the cost given the agreement you would pay half and would appreciate if you ..." Then either say by cheque or whatever to your address? How ever you wanted him to do it.

It's polite, straight to the point...no hidden message.