struggling to get husband on board.

Monkeyballs

Morning Foggy,

Good on you chuck!

I was going to suggest having an emergency fund too so am pleased to hear you have one

The other thing I was thinking about was if there is any flexibility in your course hours? Would speaking to someone there possibly be of benefit because if a supervisor has a bit of a clue as to your personal circumstances then there may be a little leeway available if you ever need to leave early, take a longer lunch, etc?

MB x

antonia1

Hi foggy, just wanted to add a bit regarding your OH.

Firstly, I fully understand your religious obligations and objections to splitting up - I'm a practising Catholic.

The idea is this, you currently have options - either stay together and accept the way he treats you, or get divorced.

However, there is a third way. Separation does not mean that your marriage has to end. It could give both of you time to assess your relationship, and you can get on with paying off your debt in the mean time. Give it a set time - maybe 3 or 6 months and then meet up again. He can learn to live on a very small amount of money, and you can focus on your children and completing your course.

I'm not saying it would be easy, and maybe after it all he would still not change, but it keeps you in a bit more control - particularly over your finances.

Maybe find someone you can trust at your Church, who won't spread gossip and explain the full situation to them.

Good luck!

The_fog_has_lifted

eyeopener2 wrote: »

Dave Ramsey is fab, learned a lot from his book during my debt struggle.

I bough his book for myself for my birthday in April, its very 'American' but actually quite brilliant.
I thinking of just going for the snowball approach to clear my debt!
It seem exhilarating to just watch it all shrink and then I can offer f &f's to hopefully clear it even faster.

BigAunty

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

...
I get paid my bursary on the 3rd Friday of the month so when this happens I will immediately pay the debts off- that way I wont physically have the money to spend on anything else. I will then pay all the bills money into the bills account which neither of us have access too easily. Its with a different bank and I sheredded the card so that I can transfer bills money in but I cant draw it out again without having to go into the bank. - it seems to work for me at the moment so I shall carry on doing that.
then all the child tax credits can be for living expenses and petrol etc, there wont be enough to eat/ have gas/elec and waste money- he will have to either comply with the arrangement or not eat as I will buy all the kids and my own food/petrol as soon as I get the money and he will have his for his extra food/ crap that he wants.
....

If he walks, as you have a joint tenancy, he can simply walk back in again. I personally believe his walking out is a mere gesture to try and get you back under his thumb and even if you refuse to buckle, he will end up returning. So what then? The pattern of behaviour you regularly outline will simply continue - he will continue to prioritise his standard of living over you and the childrens.

Have you checked the Womens Aid website or your landlord to understand if his behaviour is one that warrants an injunction or occupation order, or if you could be rehoused by the council under their Domestic Abuse homeless statutory obligation?

From the information above, you have some semblance of control over your finances to channel spare money into paying your debts but if he has access to the accounts, then he is simply a withdrawal away from sabotaging your efforts. I appreciate that, like with the tenancy, it's hard to sever joint accounts and turn them into sole accounts.

It seems his behaviour, his sense of entitlement is deep and long-term, so isn't he simply going to continue to extract whatever he wishes from your household income and ignore the debt?

I may have missed it but the 11k debt - how much of it is legally his, joint or solely yours? You said if you could tackle just your debt, it would just take over a year to resolve but this has been trebled by either his or joint debts. And again, paying over £700 for the next 3 years to pay off your - that's a phenomenal sum and I wonder if it's just too optimistic, not just because its high, but because your husband is not onboard and is only ever a luxury clothing purchase away from destroying your plans.

I fear that despite the way you have segregated the finances and try to stream it to pay off the debt, he will undermine you - your spending plans are well intentioned but lack control measures of actual substance and efficacy - they are hopes rather than authorative.

The_fog_has_lifted

Monkeyballs wrote: »

Morning Foggy,

Good on you chuck!

I was going to suggest having an emergency fund too so am pleased to hear you have one

The other thing I was thinking about was if there is any flexibility in your course hours? Would speaking to someone there possibly be of benefit because if a supervisor has a bit of a clue as to your personal circumstances then there may be a little leeway available if you ever need to leave early, take a longer lunch, etc?

MB x

unfortunately not much flexibility in days that I can work but I can start a bit later and finish a bit later if I have an appointment or something. im really fortunate to be in a community placement that is really understanding that I have children. The ward is less forgiving but im not on the ward again until next year so ill cross that when I come to it.
Im glad to that I saved the emergency fund, he doesn't know that its still there and its in my single bank account, its going to stay there unless I absolutely despirately need it.
Thanks for all your advice over this thread.

Blackpool_Saver

My heart is racing with fury reading this, he is a controlling abusive !!!!!!!, and the Lord would not want you to stay with him. He is not a decent head of household to look up to. GET RID NOW

samehat

Hi fog, I've read all of this and I truly wish you well in your journey.

I am piping up as you have said only your emergency fund is in your sole name. For safety, couldn't you get your nhs income and the children's allowance changed so it goes directly to your own bank a/c? You could change all your direct debits to that account; and move the emergency fund to a savings a/c.

Just a suggestion in case..

Also, in case there is an overdraft allowance on your joint account, you should get your name removed from it. If you already have an overdraft there it would be more complicated. You might be able to come to an agreement with the bank on this?

The_fog_has_lifted

samehat wrote: »

Hi fog, I've read all of this and I truly wish you well in your journey.

I am piping up as you have said only your emergency fund is in your sole name. For safety, couldn't you get your nhs income and the children's allowance changed so it goes directly to your own bank a/c? You could change all your direct debits to that account; and move the emergency fund to a savings a/c.

Just a suggestion in case..

Also, in case there is an overdraft allowance on your joint account, you should get your name removed from it. If you already have an overdraft there it would be more complicated. You might be able to come to an agreement with the bank on this?

all of my finances now go into my bank account that is in my sole name- I then transfer into his account enough for his petrol, food, and sundries and he has to manage this himself. if he squanders it then that's his fault and im not going to offer any sympathy or additional finances.

Almost-free

Sounds good Foggy. Now you just need to stay strong through whining, accusing, sympathy - demanding etc. I really hope this works out for you. My background is Nursing, Midwife and Health visiting and having that to fall back on when my first marriage failed was fantastic. I really hope you can finish your studies for that reason alone, although I do think the course/mixing with adults will also help keep you sane!

kelpie35

I have not read the full thread but I have to say how much I admire you OP.

7 Children, full time work / study.

You should be so proud of yourself for all you have achieved so far.
I am sure that you will soon see light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you every success with your career. I hope things will become easier for you very soon.