struggling to get husband on board.

The_fog_has_lifted

19lottie82 wrote: »

What do you mean he won't take the kids on his days off and you have to pay for a nursery? I think you need to toughen up here, sorry.

Get up, get yourself ready for work, and leave (him in the house with the kids). Simple.

If he's not about, phone his mum / sister / and explain that he's vanished, can they look after the kids until he returns, then text him and say he needs to collect them asap and his sister / mum is mighty peed off.

He'll soon learn.

I know this sound terrible but if they don't go to nursery he will just walk out the evening before I have to go to work and I wont be able to go.
a few months ago they were just in nursery for 1 day, which was completely covered by the 15 hours free ( as we live in a deprived area all our children that are not at school qualify for 15 free hours per week), on the Thursday night we were always arguing that I was shattered/ he was shattered etc and he just walked out- he didn't come back so I had to phone in work sick the next day, we have no family close to us.
his mum died, his dad is 85 and all his family live 250 miles away.
my family all live 50 miles away.
we have NO help. its just me and him, hence why we are struggling.
If the kids don't go to nursery for the 2 days he will either walk out or he will just sit them at home all day and not do anything with them.
A few months ago he did walk out on me and I was left trying to get the kids into full time childcare so I could get to work and I almost lost my job.
As im sure you can now understand, I have no choice but to plod on or I will have to leave my job to have the kids full time on my own and then have to rely on him getting a full time job.
shall I take that risk????

The_fog_has_lifted

comeandgo wrote: »

Hi I remember your previous posts. I remember you were heavily involved with your church. Could some of your elders or equivalent talk to your husband and explain the final outcome if his spending is not curbed as he does not seem to be listening to you. As others have stated, why does he feel that watching the children for 3 days a week is adequate ?
I can imagine going it alone with six children and another on the way is not what you want to do.

I have spoken t church but they always advise that you just work through it, I haven't told them all the details as if I hung our dirty laundry out it would have consequences for our relationship. He volunteers lots for our church at the weekend and if they knew what was going on it wouldn't look very good and he would go nuts at me for telling them and probably leave.
The CAP reps however are from our church and they have said to him that it is not acceptable for the children to go to nursery when he is at home full time.
it just went in one ear and out the other sadly.
thanks for your reply though.

The_fog_has_lifted

solvencyseeker wrote: »

You are not alone. Just had an almighty row with my OH (well I did a lot of yelling and crying), he is still ostriching, expects me to deal with it all and even complained yesterday about the amount of time I am spending on the PC! I am doing our budget, looking for advice, trying to sell things and constantly worrying about money.

The yelling fit did have some effect - he is going to do some ebaying and actually look at our spreadsheet with me. Maybe I'll get hime to do the SOA that needs redoing (I haven't forgotten BedsitBob!)

He also isn't going out to get some arborio rice (that's what set me off) to go with the liver I dug out of the bottom of the freezer - he is going to use some ordinary rice from the store cupboard!

Sorry to post a rant on your thread but I thought it might help you to know that you are not the only one banging your head against a brick wall.

Don't give up, or give in. Best wishes.

glad its not just me then, I had a similar argument with hubby last nigh because he went out for gravy for our dinner and bought the really expensive bisto one, I was furious, after budgeting so strictly our food choices need to be made carefully, in his opinion 'it just a f*****g extra £1 on gravy, whats the big deal?'
its the same argument all the time, I feel its not worth having now as nothing changes.

The_fog_has_lifted

BigAunty wrote: »

You've pitched this as a debt related issue which is unsurprising as your main priority is tackling the debt which is being actively sabotaged by your partner.

However, the scenario you post appears in the Relationship section of this forum on a virtually weekly basis by new posters.

Quite regularly, there appears a new post by a new poster which is virtually identical to the last. It goes like this

A mother is facing up to debts largely racked up by their un or under employed partner who spends most of their disposable income and their time on themselves, refuses to recognise that there are any issues and therefore not willing to change.

Quite often, their partner blames the issue on the woman and when they reach the end of their tether and make plans to end the selfish and disrespectful relationship, the man makes promises to change or applies negative pressure to try to get their Meal Ticket to change their mind. Meal Ticket gives them another chance or two, which is subsequently blown.

Go to the relationship forum and find these posts.They are sometimes complicated by emotional abuse or infidelity but mainly they are crushingly quite mundane tales of financial exploitation, embedded expectations by the spendthrift that they are entitled to spend the household money on themselves, putting their lifestyle and interests first.

thanks I will look there now.

The_fog_has_lifted

dubs57 wrote: »

It is possible to set up a DMP just for your own individual debts, you don't have to include his if you are worried that you are only paying back his debts and not your own. Don't know if this would help but it seems like you have enough to worry about without having to sort out a grown man who won't help you.

this is what I want to do but when I did this he just kept spending our food/ bills money so I had to keep breaking into my debt money to pay for our living expenses, that is why I contacted CAP.
I thought if CAP came and they set the budget, it would be a third party making the budget decisions for me and he wouldn't be able to blame me when he couldn't spend money. sadly that is not the case and CAP will only do the budget as a couple and not as indidviduals.

The_fog_has_lifted

Almost-free wrote: »

I am trying to work towards a divorce at the moment, and the solicitor has informed me that I can't only look at the debt I have been paying off in the. 5 years we have been apart ( I have just £1,500 left put of £24,678 of debt!). Apparently upon divorce not only assets are split, but debt as well. So the £35,000 plus debt he has been increasing and sitting on all these years will also come out of the equity if we sell our house.

I am a Christian and prevaricated for years over us not splitting up, our Church elders frequently begged me to 'stick it out' and it would come right in the end. When you are living with an immature, irresponsible idiot, however, I have now concluded that the good Lord would not want me and my kids to deal with the nonsense indefinitely . I only wish I had come to this conclusion 5 years ago!i am certainly ever grateful that I said no to any more children!

Get some counselling on your own about this. Then Have joint counselling if you wish. This situation will not improve until/if ever your husband can look at things with a mature unselfish eye. Money issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce- and you and I understand why!

thanks for your reply, its made me feel better, I too have an issue that the church focus on staying together and don't seem to be able to help when the relationship just isn't working. the only intervention the church will give is to help the relationship stay together- nothing else.

Growurown

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

As im sure you can now understand, I have no choice but to plod on or I will have to leave my job to have the kids full time on my own and then have to rely on him getting a full time job.
shall I take that risk????

Hi TFHL, my OH was difficult too so I can sympathise with you on this completely. I don't think leaving your job is an option, because if you made yourself intentionally unemployed you may not be able to claim any benefits. Reading between the lines I don't think he will get a job anytime soon so you could be in a bit of a pickle. If you parted then it may be different because you had no choice but to leave your job, however the government are really tightening up on benefit claims so I would advise caution.

comeandgo

Have you left your nursing studies? You mention a job?

eyeopener2

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

A few months ago he did walk out on me and I was left trying to get the kids into full time childcare so I could get to work and I almost lost my job.
As im sure you can now understand, I have no choice but to plod on or I will have to leave my job to have the kids full time on my own and then have to rely on him getting a full time job.
shall I take that risk????

You do have a choice but you are trapping yourself in misery. You need to get a grip of yourself here, and to be honest the church people should back you in this as he is being totally unreasonable, vindictive, nasty and a bully. I notice that he is also a church goer and a volunteer. Well, he better ask for forgiveness cos he is a disgrace to the Christian church that I dedicate myself to. He's a hypocrite of the worst kind and is damaging you, your children, himself and his church family.

I'd tell your church people everything and let him leave or ask for forgiveness from you and God.

You can survive on your own you know, loads of people do. Will it be easy, no, will you be happier....yes n my view from afar. It would also give your OH something to think about with his faith. Does he really believe or is he just wearing it as a badge? How important is his family and his religion, how important. Not very in my view going off the evidence.

Monkeyballs

Hi foggy,

After reading your latest posts I'd have to agree with Eyeopener.

I get the impression he wants to give is of being a kind, caring man who donates his times freely to the church but looks good while doing so...

I'm not religious but I do believe in family and what you have described is not healthy, think of the impact that he must be having on the kids! Even if you think they're not aware there will be an element of what is happening sinking in

At the very least, please consider opening up to someone you trust and speaking about your situation as you will feel better for getting it off your chest and get comfort from having a friend know your situation and possibly give you strength to do what I think you know needs to be done!

MB x