struggling to get husband on board.

The_fog_has_lifted

BigAunty wrote: »

Is the mortgage or tenancy in joint or sole names? The reason I ask is to understand if your best policy would be to change the locks the next time he leaves or not, to understand your rights and options when it comes to retaining your accommodation, or finding a new property as a lone parent.

A lone parent with 2 children may be entitled to around £230 per week in income support (if the youngest child is under 5), child tax credits and child benefit. You may find you are not much worse off if you leave your job to look after your children the next time he walks out (an act designed to make you to yield to his will and show you who is master).

A lone parent only needs to work 16 hours per week to qualify for working tax credits. The Turn2us online benefit calculator will show you your entitlements if you opt to end the relationship and go it alone (though you are effectively going it alone at the moment, with your husband acting like another child that you have to support).

Those on low incomes,like benefits,can also negotiate lower debt repayments to their creditors - you don't need to feel that your disposable income will be swallowed up by debt payments.

Why isn't your husband in employment and when was the last time he worked? You've been asked this question on a number of occasions but it keeps being unanswered.

Are there mental or physical illnesses that make job seeking difficult, does he lack confidence or have a patchy CV from being out of work for a long time, does he have a criminal record, does he believe it is a waste of time/money as your benefits will simply go down or is he simply not looking for a job? You have already indicated you live in an area of deprivation but even so, has he any appetite to actually bring money into the household or is he just content to be coasting along on what you and the children (in benefits) bring into the household purse?

Does he have many friends or social interests?

Of the £11k debt, what proportion was truly jointly caused, caused by you or attributed solely to him?

You are effectively being blackmailed by your husband who seems to be benefit most from the relationship and being protected from change, thanks to the pressure from the Church and attendant guilt which only you seem to be feeling. He has been told to buck up by them and be a true house husband but has simply shrugged this off.

Sometimes there are cultural reasons why some men refuse to be house husbands, it's seen as emasculating and not part of their role and where they feel particularly depressed if they are out of work or their female partner is the breadwinner - is there cultural currency on these issues?

The type of pressure tactics (quite effective ones, too), disrespect and financial exploitation smacks of the potential that you are potentially in an abusive relationship. However, I am not actually making the case for this, only you would know.

You may just be in a bad relationship, one where your husband feels he has certain rights, entitlements and privileges that he must be given at your expense and where you are not subject to systematic control, abuse and manipulation.

That said, he is a link to Womens Aid and their info on 'what is domestic abuse and what are the signs?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

thanks for your comments, they are very thought provoking.
I don't know why he wont get a job. I have asked him to look for p/t work as if he works full time we will have to pay for even more childcare and it will rinse us even more.
He did get offered a job with a bus company (he is qualified PCV driver) but the hours went up to midnight and sometimes 2AM and this would clash with my nursing hours when im working lates and nights and we have no family. I did ask him to negotiate better working hours (as we have 6 children and I am a nurse), he didn't try he just rejected the job offer and said it was too much hassel. I have waved applications for sainsburys and waitrose under his nose but he said 'I aint stacking shelves'.
the bottom line is, I can leave my job- its all I have for mine and the kids future.
Its a struggle now but as of next January I will be able to apply for a permanent qualified job as a band 5 and the salary is really good. I could then drop to part time and still be able to pay my way.
If I droped out now I will be forced to go on job seakers allowance and not income support (ive already enquired) as my baby is almost 1 and the rule about being able to claim IS until your youngest is 5 changed last April to when your youngest is 12 months.
If I give up my nursing degree now I will have wasted the last 6 years of my life ( I had no qualifications so ive done 4 years at college and now 2 at uni) and I will be stuck in low paid work when if I just get through the next year I can provide a much better future for the children.
I had my wee girl in august and went straight back to uni in sept and I will do the same this December.
I can do this. Im calling child minders tomorrow to see what they can offer me and if no luck I will put out an ad for a nanny. The he will have a choice- get a f/t job or leave.

The_fog_has_lifted

BigAunty wrote: »

OP- where does he go when he leaves for the night?!

I believe he slept in the car.

The_fog_has_lifted

BigAunty wrote: »

Is the mortgage or tenancy in joint or sole names? The reason I ask is to understand if your best policy would be to change the locks the next time he leaves or not, to understand your rights and options when it comes to retaining your accommodation, or finding a new property as a lone parent.

A lone parent with 2 children may be entitled to around £230 per week in income support (if the youngest child is under 5), child tax credits and child benefit. You may find you are not much worse off if you leave your job to look after your children the next time he walks out (an act designed to make you to yield to his will and show you who is master).



http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

The tenancy is in both names and is a joint tenancy.
I like your idea about the loan parent bit but your information is incorrect for the area that I live in. We have that universal thingy coming in soon so the new rules are
back to work (or expected to look for work) when baby is 12 months
If more than 2 children there is a Cap
I have 6 children (almost 7) so I will not get any housing benefit if I am claiming JSA as the Cap will mean I will be better off in employment than on JAS/ IS

The_fog_has_lifted

Gaz83 wrote: »

Does he work from home, or is he unemployed? Has this been asked? Apologies if so.

no he has no job, he is the 'house husband'. he struggles to have the kids though full time so I put them in nursery for 2 days per week. As I explained before its better for the children as they wont get to spend time out/about otherwise and he will just leave if he cant cope with the kids so I cant go to work.

Monkeyballs

Hi Foggy,

I apologise now for being blunt.

Is the guy a joke or what! He needs to step up and become an adult, it sounds more like he is one of the kids not the parents!!! What kind of responsible adult would rather go out and sleep in the car to prove a point? He is in effect stamping his feet and throwing a tantrum?

I'm sure he is great with the kids (when he can be bothered and it suits him) but c'mon!!! He needs a serious kick up the backside :mad:

You say he's a house husband? So would I be correct in thinking that he takes care of all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, paying bills, etc? Or does his definition of house husband mostly revolve around being in the house watching TV?

There are loads of people out there unable to get a job they WANT but make do with what they CAN GET!!! It makes me so mad :mad:

Whatever you do, do not give up on your course as it is a big part of what defines you and is a qualification which will be with you a lot longer than he will be!!!! Grrr...

MB x

chiefsfanuk

Hmmmm. I have read every post on this thread and then paused. I wasn't going to reply because... Well quite frankly, reading this made me angry. Angry at him for his behaviour and I'm afraid angry at you for accepting it, so I didnt want to say anything offensive or too blunt. But then I felt, I couldn't read and run with this one, the situation you are in is one you need to take immediate action to resolve. His behaviour is inexcusable, making the one working parent pay childcare when the other parent is at home - no - just no! Even without debt issues this isn't right!

I don't know if there are any words any of us can say to help you make positive steps to change this situation for the better, I just wanted to say I wish you the best. I hope you or he does something soon.

Good luck!

GettingOrganised

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

we have NO help. its just me and him, hence why we are struggling.

Hi TFHL, you've received some amazing advice so far and I agree with pretty much all of it. The above sentence jumped out at me though - it's not just you and him - it's only you. You are holding your family together, and you are doing an amazing job.

You can't make him do anything and you are in no way to blame in any part for his behaviour, your only decision is - can you keep putting up with it?

Growurown

I agree with MB - you must finish your course. You've put so much into it already that it would be a criminal waste to throw in the towel now. I met a lady recently who did throw in the towel on her nursing degree for her man. She bitterly regrets it now as he left, and she can't go back to nursing because too much time has passed. She would have to start from scratch and of course they won't pay the bursary second time round, and he left her with nothing so she has had to say goodbye to a nursing career.

Bublin1

Your husband is a classic Narcissist. For the 'public' he is an upstanding guy....all that church volunteering nice guy bull. For those at home....he is a beast.
The only way to make a better life for you and your children is to cut the beast loose.

I'm sorry but you just cannot say he is a great dad when he doesn't provide for them, walks out and sleeps in the car which means your job is constantly at risk and refuses to look after them. How is that showing love?

Don't be afraid to walk away because you're working, looking after 7 kids and running a house all on your own now. All you'll be doing is cutting off dead wood.

BigAunty

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

If I droped out now I will be forced to go on job seakers allowance and not income support (ive already enquired) as my baby is almost 1 and the rule about being able to claim IS until your youngest is 5 changed last April to when your youngest is 12 months.
.

I agree that you have fantastic job prospects - well done for coping with so many commitments at home and due to your training. Your desire to stick with it is commendable.

However, I believe that you are wrong about Income Support as a lone parent under the current AND the future rules under the Universal Credit system and you should check on the benefits forum about the position.

I am not aware of any changes that compel a lone parent to seek employment when their youngest is under 5. I believe the last change was to reduce it from 7 years down to 5. Apologies if I am wrong about this.

Here is some information from Gingerbread about how Universal Credit should work for lone parents.

Childcare costs

Will I get help for my childcare costs under the new system?
Yes, under universal credit you will still be able to get help with your childcare costs if you are in work. The system will be similar to how it currently works under the working tax credits system, but there are some differences.
A major change is that as a single parent you will be able to claim help with your childcare costs if you are working for any amount of hours, it doesn’t have to be a minimum of 16 hours a week as under tax credits.
The amount of money you can claim towards your childcare costs is increasing compared to tax credits. Under tax credits you can claim up to 70 per cent of the costs of your childcare, up to a maximum of £175 a week for one child and £300 a week if you have two or more children, but under universal credit it will increase to 85 per cent.
Work and universal credit

Will I need to look for work to receive universal credit?
This will depend on your circumstances.

• If you have a child who is under the age of five, you won’t have to find a job, but you will have to prepare for work, which means having regular meetings at the jobcentre, and possibly doing some training
• If you are a carer, or you have an illness or disability that means you can’t work, then you don’t have to look for work
• If you have a child under the age of 13 you can limit your availability for work to their normal school hours. If your youngest child is 13 or older, then the number of hours you need to be available for work will depend on your individual circumstances, but should take into account your responsibilities as a carer
• Under universal credit if you're working for fewer hours than your circumstances allow, you will be encouraged to try to increase your hours.