struggling to get husband on board.

BigAunty

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

Last time we split he put loads of nasty stuff about me on facebook and was just horrible to me, plus he will cause trouble for me at church.
I am just so unhappy. .

It's hard for the forum members here to determine if you are a victim of domestic abuse or merely going through a relationship rough patch but did you check out the Womens Aid link I posted where you can verify your status?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

The pressure tactics, financial exploitation, intimidation, control and abuse incidents that you have outlined do point towards this, as does the way he presents himself in a good light to people outside the home while being cruel in it. From the Womens Aid website FAQ pdf document

"Since abusers typically display different kinds of behaviours in public than they do in their private relationships, most people are not usually aware of domestic violence when it is happening in their community. Sometimes, it is difficult to believe that a person who behaves so respectably in public can behave so appallingly with their family. This can
sometimes make it even more difficult for women who are trying to reach out for support, as they may feel that they will not be believed when they speak out about the violence." Read the document on the link here

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041

Many people, including abusers and victims, believe it is only 'valid' domestic violence when there is physical violence present but when you look at the signs on the Womens Aid website, you will see that this is just one of ten signs. You feel manipulated, coerced, pressurised, exploited, intimidated - you don't need 'bruises' to ask for help from DA professionals, emotional, psychological and financial ones also count.

Womens Aid are experts at dealing with this issue, can advise you on benefits, your accommodation rights, safety and so on.

The advice I gave you about joint tenancies applies to private tenancies - your HA landlord, their website or tenancy handbook will give you info about your options.

It does look like you are between a rock and a hard place. Your Church (and religion) has placed certain obligations on you with regard to staying together while your fear of being alone, coping with the children and debts while holding down a job, are commitments that make you very worried about splitting up.

This suits your partner who contributes no money to the household but helps himself to the income for designer clothing while you and your children go short of basic things. He reluctantly performs just over half of the childcare, and by its ommission, it sounds like he does little around the house, too.

Do you want your children to grow up in an environment full of disrespect, abuse, fear, mockery, dishonesty, unfairness, mistrust?

foxgloves

In your position, I would quite simply not be prepared to demean myself by continuing the relationship any longer. Whatever it took, however scary it felt, I would by now be setting up my own life, & importantly, feeling in control. This man won't change because you facilitate his appalling behaviour. You have to believe that you deserve better than this. We get one shot at life, so don't waste any more of yours.

BigAunty

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

Last time we split he put loads of nasty stuff about me on facebook and was just horrible to me, plus he will cause trouble for me at church.
.

If it still exists, I would take a screenshot of it for evidence and store it on an area of a phone or pc that your partner cannot access, a protected or password protected space or document, for example. Remember that it is impossible to hide online - the Womens Aid section has a 'stay safe' page to remind you how easy it is for a partner to access your browser history, emails, etc, and how to protect yourself.

See the information here about how to gather evidence of the emotional abuse you are experiencing, how to get it formally reported and recorded, as well as informally documented by yourself on a daily basis. See the 'my husband puts me down' section.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1294&itemTitle=Support+for+survivors

Stepping away from being overwhelmed by receiving abuse into documenting it as a witness could make you feel like you are regaining objectivity and control. It will also make clearer to you just how often and regularly it is happening.

The above link also contains another link to how to take out an injunction or gain an occupation order which is another reason to get the abuse documented via your GP, the domestic abuse helpline, a diary, evidence of the Facebook threats, etc. This proof could be used to secure the housing assocation property for just you and your children, for example, if you decide to end the relationship on the grounds of his abuse. Info on injunctions/occupation orders here

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

Put your safety first. Contact Womens Aid. The most risky time for a person experiencing domestic abuse is when they decide to end the relationship as the abuse could ramp up significantly.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=000100010008000100330002

-taff

I would advise you try talking, maybe with a mediator, maybe without, as an attempt to really try and find out what's happening and whether he is actually going to do something if the worst came to the worst and you left him.

You've been doing this course for years, did he ever help with the house/kids etc?


If your church would help, see them and explain what's really happening. You could do this with or without him.

If he's doing nothing because culturally he thinks he can, it's a different matter. If that's the case, the chances are he won't be changing any time soon, and that a shock may make him change, or it may not.

Arm yourself with the financial repercussions of living with and without him.

heatherks

like other IMO you would be better off without him and focus on your own life with the kids he will be a burden to you long after the kids have grown up ..

if he was any sort of man ( christian or not) he would want to help care for his kids and his wife and this involves looking after them whilst you are working or having time to yoursef lol ...

as for The church if they do not know the full picture how can they fully help you

The_fog_has_lifted

Ok, we have had a huge argument tonight, I have given notice to the nursery (1 months) so as of 1 months time they will no longer be going. He is not happy about it but its £180 freed up each month for debts that we didn't have before.
Ive come to the conclusion that if he really wants to make this marriage work he will stay and if not he will leave- if he leaves I will cross that bridge when I come to it but...... this is on my terms now.
I get paid my bursary on the 3rd Friday of the month so when this happens I will immediately pay the debts off- that way I wont physically have the money to spend on anything else. I will then pay all the bills money into the bills account which neither of us have access too easily. Its with a different bank and I sheredded the card so that I can transfer bills money in but I cant draw it out again without having to go into the bank. - it seems to work for me at the moment so I shall carry on doing that.
then all the child tax credits can be for living expenses and petrol etc, there wont be enough to eat/ have gas/elec and waste money- he will have to either comply with the arrangement or not eat as I will buy all the kids and my own food/petrol as soon as I get the money and he will have his for his extra food/ crap that he wants.
At least ill be sorting out the additional nursery money and he he walks.... well that's life and ill just have to get on with it.

Bublin1

That's the spirit.......you have set yourself free by taking control. Like you say, if he walks, he walks.

Please try to sock away some money for yourself ie an Emergency Fund. Money that he knows nothing about, even it's a couple of pounds here and there.

Almost-free

Good luck Foggy! I personally felt so much better when I took action all those years ago, even though I was frightened half to death!

The_fog_has_lifted

Bublin1 wrote: »

That's the spirit.......you have set yourself free by taking control. Like you say, if he walks, he walks.

Please try to sock away some money for yourself ie an Emergency Fund. Money that he knows nothing about, even it's a couple of pounds here and there.

. lol

Ive got the emergency fund there, just need to put £100 in next month and its £1000- just like dave ramsey orders
I think I can just about cover my car repairs without dipping into it which will be a great help and then Im set.
baby step no 1 complete just gotta mover to baby step no2 then.

eyeopener2

Dave Ramsey is fab, learned a lot from his book during my debt struggle.