struggling to get husband on board.

BigAunty

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

The tenancy is in both names and is a joint tenancy.

Shelter is a charity that provides free expert advice to tenants.

As a joint tenant, as far as I know, unless you have an occupation order given by the courts, your partner will always be able to take up occupancy in the property.

I suggest if you are uneasy with his rights and wish to remain in the property in the future that you re-negotiate the contract with your landlord now or when it is due for renewal to take over the tenancy in your sole name.

A joint tenancy can be ended by just one of the tenants serving notice so you can end the tenancy for both of you and sign a new one with the landlord (if the landlord consents).

However, do check the position with Shelter before you take any action.

Have you also modelled the impact of the steep withdrawal of benefits, introduction to taxation, child care and transport to work costs that will impact your household should your partner take up employment in the future?

Is he the main cause of the debts or are they largely shared? Do you have shared accounts? Can he access your employment/training income or do you have a separate sole account?

Are you sure that the debt repayment plan that CAP has proposed is truly affordable? He is derailing it but perhaps there's not enough realism or contingency in it?

Almost-free

If you were HONEST with the church, they would be giving you different advice. So the advice is worthless, they are giving you advice based on what they know - which is wrong.

Oh my, this is so very true! I wish someone had said his to me 5 years ago!

-taff

If by adding his debts in your DFD isn't for another 3 years, what did his debts result from? And is he still actively creating more unwarranted debt?

in_need_of_direction

I'm sorry to be so blunt foggy but I've seen you around various threads and this is an issue that keeps recurring. You have to decide what your priority is. Job, husband or debt. I'd love to see you hang onto the training but the bottom line is that tackling all three at one time won't work for you. You've tried and without OH on board, it's not realistic. It's decision time. Otherwise there'll be another thread in a month's time with a different title but the same issue. Best of luck.

The_fog_has_lifted

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

I'm sorry to be so blunt foggy but I've seen you around various threads and this is an issue that keeps recurring. You have to decide what your priority is. Job, husband or debt. I'd love to see you hang onto the training but the bottom line is that tackling all three at one time won't work for you. You've tried and without OH on board, it's not realistic. It's decision time. Otherwise there'll be another thread in a month's time with a different title but the same issue. Best of luck.

I know you are right, ive been here so many times trying to clean up our debts and it always comes down to the same thing- he will never change and im exhausted from trying to help him do so.
I guess im just petrified of being on my own with 7 children, a full time job and all the debts to pay.
I had a long conversation with my mum about it yesterday and she also things its ridiculous that we pay for 2 days of nursery when he should be having the kids.
I know in my heart that its not right but I just cant get over the fear.
Im sure ill work it out soon Im just so frightened and don't want to mess the kids around.
Last time we split he put loads of nasty stuff about me on facebook and was just horrible to me, plus he will cause trouble for me at church.
I am just so unhappy. I am carring sadness with me all the time and its dragging me down big time.
plus, I noticed oil was leaking from my car on Friday so I took it to the garage- its going to cost over £400 to fix. That's £400 from my emergency fund and he is saying its a waste of money and how can I ask him not to squander money when I am paying £400 to fix my car.
I need the car for work, I don't know what else to do.

whiteguineapig

you say you're frightened of being on your own

i think you are already on your own

Monkeyballs

Hi Foggy,

Whiteginueapig is right, you are on your own already... In fact I think I'd go one further and say that you're on your own and down and being pushed further down...

This is in simple terms an abusive relationship, sure he might not be physically harming you but you sound like you are scared and hurting and need help.

Being afraid of what he might say and do is essentially blackmail, I really think that you need to speak to your nearest and dearest because I firmly believe that you need to sit down and speak to someone face to face.

Remember, the people who love you will support you but you may have a little bit of a fight along the way but you're obviously a strong strong woman because how else would you be able to carry on managing with your kids, work, debts and this jerk?

MB xxx

-taff

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

I know you are right, ive been here so many times trying to clean up our debts and it always comes down to the same thing- he will never change and im exhausted from trying to help him do so..

YOU are trying to clean up your debts

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

I guess im just petrified of being on my own with 7 children, a full time job and all the debts to pay..

understandable, but as has been mentioned, for all intents and puroses, you already are.

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

I know in my heart that its not right but I just cant get over the fear.
Im sure ill work it out soon Im just so frightened and don't want to mess the kids around..

it won't work out unless both of you work it out. If he isn't willing, youre on a merry go round of the same thing happeneing. You don't get different results from doing the same thing over and over.

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

Last time we split he put loads of nasty stuff about me on facebook and was just horrible to me, plus he will cause trouble for me at church..

well, if you tell them what is actually going on, instead of covering for him, you may find a different outcome. Facebook is an internet website, it can only affect you if you let it. If the people who believe his lies are your friends on there, get rid of them, then you won't see anything.

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

how can I ask him not to squander money when I am paying £400 to fix my car.
I need the car for work, I don't know what else to do.

If you need the car for work, it's hardly squandering.


If this was a friend of yours you were talking about, what would you advise them to do?
Is he actually contributing to keeping the family together or is he another mouth to feed?

The_fog_has_lifted

-taff wrote: »

YOU are trying to clean up your debts





understandable, but as has been mentioned, for all intents and puroses, you already are.




it won't work out unless both of you work it out. If he isn't willing, youre on a merry go round of the same thing happeneing. You don't get different results from doing the same thing over and over.




well, if you tell them what is actually going on, instead of covering for him, you may find a different outcome. Facebook is an internet website, it can only affect you if you let it. If the people who believe his lies are your friends on there, get rid of them, then you won't see anything.




If you need the car for work, it's hardly squandering.


If this was a friend of yours you were talking about, what would you advise them to do?
Is he actually contributing to keeping the family together or is he another mouth to feed?

If it was my friend I wouldn't know what to say. My non- Christian friends wouldn't have got married to him in the first place, my Christian friends I would advise to seek pastoral care from the church, its just not that simple.
I would never advise someone to stay in a relationship that is abusive, I guess I never saw it this way, TBH ive been pretty mean to him lately too, ive been sleeping in the spare bed in the girls room and wount let him near me. Ive also separated all of his washing from mine and the kids as he doesn't do washing, this way he has to do his own and I simply wont.
also, I called him a w****r and A$* hole the other day when we were arguing, this may seem like nothing to you lot but Im not someone that swears a lot at all so this really hurt him, I just wanted him to stop swimming in lake me for a while and see how tired I am of it all..
Ill be ok, I need to focus on my job and the kids. I have 2 more assignments and 1 exam to go and im don't for the year, if I can manage that I can manage anything.
I guess I need to just wake up and smell the coffee.
thanks for all of your advice, im goona ask for some separation advice on the relationship board and just see what my options are in terms of financial commitments and the house, we are joint tenants but the house is housing association so im not sure they can just remove him from the tenancy if he moves out they may need his permission and I know he will just say no.

Monkeyballs

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

TBH ive been pretty mean to him lately too, ive been sleeping in the spare bed in the girls room and wount let him near me. Ive also separated all of his washing from mine and the kids as he doesn't do washing, this way he has to do his own and I simply wont

This is not you being mean, this is you pushing back and reclaiming your own life back so please do not think that you are doing anything wrong... This is all as a result of his actions.

MB