struggling to get husband on board.

BigAunty

Is the mortgage or tenancy in joint or sole names? The reason I ask is to understand if your best policy would be to change the locks the next time he leaves or not, to understand your rights and options when it comes to retaining your accommodation, or finding a new property as a lone parent.

A lone parent with 2 children may be entitled to around £230 per week in income support (if the youngest child is under 5), child tax credits and child benefit. You may find you are not much worse off if you leave your job to look after your children the next time he walks out (an act designed to make you to yield to his will and show you who is master).

A lone parent only needs to work 16 hours per week to qualify for working tax credits. The Turn2us online benefit calculator will show you your entitlements if you opt to end the relationship and go it alone (though you are effectively going it alone at the moment, with your husband acting like another child that you have to support).

Those on low incomes,like benefits,can also negotiate lower debt repayments to their creditors - you don't need to feel that your disposable income will be swallowed up by debt payments.

Why isn't your husband in employment and when was the last time he worked? You've been asked this question on a number of occasions but it keeps being unanswered.

Are there mental or physical illnesses that make job seeking difficult, does he lack confidence or have a patchy CV from being out of work for a long time, does he have a criminal record, does he believe it is a waste of time/money as your benefits will simply go down or is he simply not looking for a job? You have already indicated you live in an area of deprivation but even so, has he any appetite to actually bring money into the household or is he just content to be coasting along on what you and the children (in benefits) bring into the household purse?

Does he have many friends or social interests?

Of the £11k debt, what proportion was truly jointly caused, caused by you or attributed solely to him?

You are effectively being blackmailed by your husband who seems to be benefit most from the relationship and being protected from change, thanks to the pressure from the Church and attendant guilt which only you seem to be feeling. He has been told to buck up by them and be a true house husband but has simply shrugged this off.

Sometimes there are cultural reasons why some men refuse to be house husbands, it's seen as emasculating and not part of their role and where they feel particularly depressed if they are out of work or their female partner is the breadwinner - is there cultural currency on these issues?

The type of pressure tactics (quite effective ones, too), disrespect and financial exploitation smacks of the potential that you are potentially in an abusive relationship. However, I am not actually making the case for this, only you would know.

You may just be in a bad relationship, one where your husband feels he has certain rights, entitlements and privileges that he must be given at your expense and where you are not subject to systematic control, abuse and manipulation.

That said, he is a link to Womens Aid and their info on 'what is domestic abuse and what are the signs?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

dancingfairy

Hi, a few thoughts for you:
1) you could try a different debt charity, one perhaps you are not so closely associated with. I'm sure National Debtline or Stepchange would help you do a budget for just your debts.
2) You might not be as badly off as you think if your husband left. You wouldn't have to subsidise his spending from your income, you could do your own budget and deal with your debts on your own, you'd get single person discount on the council tax and you may be entitled to benefits. It's definitely worth looking into if the only thing stopping you is finance. You could also consider whether you could work part time or whether you could work 5 days over 4 or whether you could work from home some days or something. There are always solutions.
Best of Luck
df

BigAunty

Growurown wrote: »

Hi TFHL, my OH was difficult too so I can sympathise with you on this completely. I don't think leaving your job is an option, because if you made yourself intentionally unemployed you may not be able to claim any benefits. Reading between the lines I don't think he will get a job anytime soon so you could be in a bit of a pickle. If you parted then it may be different because you had no choice but to leave your job, however the government are really tightening up on benefit claims so I would advise caution.

AFAIK, there is absolutely no issue with a lone parent leaving their job to look after their children full time if the youngest child is under 5 as they will be on income support which has absolutely no job seeking conditionality.

I do know that people who claim JSA when they have resigned from their job without good reason can be sanctioned for a period of time, though there is a hardship sum they can claim instead which is around two thirds of the sum, so not a biggy when the household is also getting child related tax credits which is going to make up most of the income and doesn't get affected.

The benefit board is the best place for the OP to post to get an idea of her future benefit entitlements as a lone parent and whether being deserted by the husband or a general relationship breakdown would be a valid reason to resign from a job and not get sanctioned for JSA (if her youngest child is 5 or over).

Her husband sounds very immature and is only ever one argument away from quitting the household. Personally, I see the gesture of abandoning them when she asks for a more equal and considerate relationship as just temporary blackmail, a temper tantrum designed to make her back down.

She is his meal ticket. If he actually really left, he would get just £71 a week in JSA, constant pressure from the DWP to get a full time job and a very low sum of housing benefit. If he is under 35, he'd only be entitled to HB to the equivalent of a cheap room in a shared house in the grubby part of town. If he is 35 or over, a shabby flat to himself, if he can ever find a landlord to accept him. He would also expect to lose around 20-25% of his net income in child support payments when he gets a job.

You think he's actually going to really leave when it means he plunges into menial, low paid work with next to no disposable income and next to no free time?!

Growurown

BigAunty wrote: »

AFAIK, there is absolutely no issue with a lone parent leaving their job to look after their children full time if the youngest child is under 5 as they will be on income support which has absolutely no job seeking conditionality.

The OP isn't a lone parent though. If she was I agree it would probably be a different scenario. If the OP decides to remain in the relationship then how would the benefit claim be dealt with if she gives up her job voluntarily?

BigAunty wrote: »

You think he's actually going to really leave when it means he plunges into menial, low paid work with next to no disposable income and next to no free time?!

Is this question directed to me?

Almost-free

I have spoken t church but they always advise that you just work through it, I haven't told them all the details as if I hung our dirty laundry out it would have consequences for our relationship. He volunteers lots for our church at the weekend and if they knew what was going on it wouldn't look very good and he would go nuts at me for telling them and probably leave.

I only just saw this. My ex was a warden of our church. Everyone thought he was so lovely. He would do things for other people whilst neglecting his home and family. He would provide transport free for our church and one run by a previous vicar, even though we were struggling so hard for money.

He wanted everyone at church to think he was great and to be honest, it drove a wedge between my church and myself that still hasn't healed.even when I came clean to some of them there, they were more sorry for him than for us- 'oh pray for him, poor man, he has lost his way, he must be feeling terrible' and so on and on! Their attitude was that I am strong and I would cope - didn't seem to resonate with them that I was fighting cancer and had been told to avoid stress!

My faith has been an Enormous help for me, not the people at Church, who think they are arbiters of The Lord, but my simple faith in The Lord and that He alone will get me through this.

The fact your husband will walk out to avoid looking after your children makes me so angry for you and that alone for me tells me that he is in this relationship only for what He can get put of it, not what he can put IN!

Stay strong but really think carefully about what you want and the message/example you are giving your children: if one of your children was in this relationship , what might you advise her?!

Seanymph

When I was in an abusive relationship (give womensaid a call, explain your situation, and see what they can offer you by way of support).

When I was I spoke with our vicar and he said 'for the grace of the children sometimes it's better to let go'.

I remember that phrase so well, because it was my permission to leave.

If you were HONEST with the church, they would be giving you different advice. So the advice is worthless, they are giving you advice based on what they know - which is wrong.

BigAunty

Growurown wrote: »

The OP isn't a lone parent though. If she was I agree it would probably be a different scenario. If the OP decides to remain in the relationship then how would the benefit claim be dealt with if she gives up her job voluntarily?

Yes, I'm inviting the OP to do a bit of risk management or future proofing by looking into a potential scenario of being a lone parent, her benefit entitlements and employment conditionality.

This is in case he actually permanently leaves or she realises that she may spend the rest of her life being financially and domestically exploited by her partner who threatens to abandon the family rather than change his inconsiderate behaviour.

I can't see any point in her giving up her employment while being a 2 parent family - they can barely break even as it is.

I don't know the rules when it comes to 2 parents households and JSA. I expect that the state requires at least one parent in employment and therefore a joint JSA claim, perhaps a sanction if a job is given up without good reason.

Growurown wrote: »

Is this question directed to me?

No, it's rhetorical or musing. I am thinking outloud the possibility that when he takes umbrage and leaves the household, it's only ever a temporary gesture because he is financially dependent on his wife and his quality of life will be severely impacted if he permanently makes the break. I don't know - he just sounds a bit of a scrounging, selfish loser. That said, perhaps he'd prefer to mooch about in a bedsit on benefits rather than take an active role in supporting his wife and children - he sees it as an imposition, so outrageous that he stages the ultimate protest of quitting the house....for a night...

OP- where does he go when he leaves for the night?!

The_fog_has_lifted

comeandgo wrote: »

Have you left your nursing studies? You mention a job?

when I refer to my job im referring to clinical practice, as a student nurse half the time is at uni and half is working as a nurse. (a bit like newly qualified docs being on rotation.) It is work, its Monday to Friday 9-6 but I don't get a 'salary' as I get my bursary from the NHS.

The_fog_has_lifted

eyeopener2 wrote: »

You do have a choice but you are trapping yourself in misery. You need to get a grip of yourself here, and to be honest the church people should back you in this as he is being totally unreasonable, vindictive, nasty and a bully. I notice that he is also a church goer and a volunteer. Well, he better ask for forgiveness cos he is a disgrace to the Christian church that I dedicate myself to. He's a hypocrite of the worst kind and is damaging you, your children, himself and his church family.

I'd tell your church people everything and let him leave or ask for forgiveness from you and God.

You can survive on your own you know, loads of people do. Will it be easy, no, will you be happier....yes n my view from afar. It would also give your OH something to think about with his faith. Does he really believe or is he just wearing it as a badge? How important is his family and his religion, how important. Not very in my view going off the evidence.

he is not all bad, he loves the kids, I cant deny that. Hes just a bit.... misguided.
you are right though, I am miserable and I [STRIKE]hate[/STRIKE] resent him for getting to spend his time with the kids and effectively live off me.
I don't believe how I am carrying on is healthy, I have just 10 weeks left in this area of clinical practice and an exam and that's it until September, I think over hat period that im off uni I need to do some serious soul searching/ decision making and get my !!!! in gear.
its as much my fault for letting him act the way he does, he is not totally to blame.

Gaz83

Does he work from home, or is he unemployed? Has this been asked? Apologies if so.