i think my fiancee is cheating do i call the wedding off?

hazyjo

Would only say there could be an innocent explanation if the OP happened to be driving past and saw him coming out of this woman's house - and there had been NO concerns before that time.

The fact the OP came on here with loads of suspicions that her OH was having an affair, then witnessed what she did, I think it's pretty much a given.

Definitely make sure your DD isn't around when he gets home...

Good luck, OP.

Think before you do or say anything. Don't give him any ammunition later on down the line!

Jx

hazyjo

marisco wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't put myself in a situation where a man who had betrayed me would also then get to lie to me as well. You know what he has done OP, you don't need further proof or clarification. My advice is that you leave him a note, saying that you know he has cheated on you, and that you two are over for good. Then walk out that door and go to your parents for some much needed love and support. Maintaining a dignified silence about all this, and only communicating with him from now on in relation to your daughter, is way more powerful than having the last word.

When he realises you know about his affair he will be expecting rants, raves, tears and fury. What will throw him is controlled composure and a 'I've seen through you, am walking away, and have no feelings toward you any more' approach.

BUT... you have to see their reaction. If you leave them a note saying you know, they'll concoct an excuse. They will do anything to make you the paranoid unreasonable one. I don't think there's even a fraction of a % that he's innocent, but you just have to dot every i and cross every t if you're about to leave someone (especially when kids are involved). I still stand by the fact you should let him lie twice. Let him shoot himself in both feet.

Jx

Idiophreak

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

The line was:

i found a saved message on his bbm from her and it says:

"i love it when you make me squeal."

No, you're right.

That's it.

We know one line from a bbm conversation, completely out of context....oh, and we know that he skipped work and went to a friend's house.

Clearly that's enough to doom the guy to a life of misery, loneliness and custody battles. Why not, eh? I mean it's not like it's our own lives we're messing with...

Clearly, on the balance of probability, there's something going on.

But if OP doesn't have all the facts, she should really get them before making any decisions.

marisco_2

hazyjo wrote: »

Definitely make sure your DD isn't around when he gets home...

I second this. This guy has treated you awfully, but you two are this little girls mum and dad. Regardless of all that has gone on she loves you both unconditionally and equally. She has a right to be able to maintain that affection and bond with you both. Don't say or do anything in her presence that will worry or upset her. I can empathise with just how difficult things are for you right now. Handle this awful situation the right way now though, and you will save yourself and your daughter from much pain and instability.

hazyjo

If I had a husband who skipped work (behind my back) and went round some woman's house, I wouldn't care if they'd sat there playing scrabble. That's not on.

My 2nd marriage went t*ts up from when my ex told me he was going to a Uni reunion in Newcastle. When I asked how many the organiser (his ex GF) had got to go, he said just him. Things went rapidly downhill after that. I went a bit mental over the whole situation (to say the least) and was rather 'out of character' for a while (actually, until we divorced). She was so obviously gunning for an affair and I was gutted, betrayed, let down and all over the place that he'd not seen the signs (he may have been sleeping with her already, I'm no longer sure).

There are all sorts of betrayal and once that foundation of trust has been destroyed, the bricks above just seem to crumble. Oh, and in case you think I'm paranoid/out of order, he shacked up with her not long after (she left her husband).

Jx

marisco_2

hazyjo wrote: »

BUT... you have to see their reaction. If you leave them a note saying you know, they'll concoct an excuse. They will do anything to make you the paranoid unreasonable one.

Self assured people who are completely secure in their judgements and instincts don't have a need to see a reaction. Nor could they be swayed into feeling paranoid.

fivetide

marisco wrote: »

Self assured people who are completely secure in their judgements and instincts don't have a need to see a reaction. Nor could they be swayed into feeling paranoid.

I wonder if the OP went all paparazzi and took a pic of them.

Very much bang to rights and while I see the point about wanting to confront him I'd be tempted to do as above, kick him out, pack his stuff and leave it outside.

Make sure you have friends or family round to tell him in no uncertain terms to clear off and someone (not you OP) will be in touch to arrange collection of his things.

Again, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I also very much doubt they were simply playing Scrabble. It walks like a duck etc....

hazyjo

marisco wrote: »

Self assured people who are completely secure in their judgements and instincts don't have a need to see a reaction. Nor could they be swayed into feeling paranoid.

I beg to differ.

I presume you have never been cheated on?

You could see the pot of white paint, you could see the paintbrush in their hand, the wall would be white, they'd have white paint on their nose - and they're standing there telling you it's black. Believe me, you want to be absolutely 100% sure before walking away from an entire relationship, future, home - especially if kids are involved. It's easy to tell your friends and family that he cheated, you had evidence, and you left. It's very hard to walk away without that proof/admittance. You will always have that tiny weeny bit of doubt (along with your friends/family).

I know if it quacks like a duck, waddles like a duck and looks like it's a duck, it's a duck... and don't for one minute believe he's innocent, but I do think it would be advisable for the OP to see his reaction.

Jx

marisco_2

fivetide wrote: »

I wonder if the OP went all paparazzi and took a pic of them.

The above has reminded me OP, however tempting don't turn this awful time in your life, into a free for all mud slinging session on fbook, twitter or the like. Such action only ever leads to undermine your position and brings about masses of resentment and regret.

marisco_2

hazyjo wrote: »

I beg to differ.

I presume you have never been cheated on?

On the contrary I was cheated on by me ex husband. I handled the situation just as I have advised the OP too, and felt better for having done so then, and still do now years down the line.