Do I call time on our relationship?

marisco_2

Judi wrote: »

Stay strong. Don't be like my friend who sent this text to her husband 14 years after he attacked her. She sent it this morning actually.

'Why after all these years does your anger still scare the !!!!!! out of me? It really shouldn't be like that should it? Ive just had lots of dreams last night which bought it all back'

She sent it but he never replied. 14 years is a long time to wait for the next outburst to be the final one.

Its all about control.

Oh Judi, how sad that your friend is still so badly affected, by the abusive relationship that she left. Abuse is all about power and control. However I have come to think that once you walk away from such a toxic situation, then it has to become about the victim of it all having the strength to take back total control of their own life.

That involves cutting all contact with an ex. Also facing issues head on that cause emotional harm, like anxiety, loss of confidence, flashbacks etc. Being prepared to seek any appropriate professional help, in order to move forward as the strong and confident person that everyone deserves to be.

hazyjo

Block his number on your phone/s. Don't answer any unknown/hidden numbers. Turn your voicemail/answerphone off.

Tell him you will only reply to civilised texts - and if they stop being civilised, you will only communicate via your solicitor. Remain calm.

Instruct a solicitor asap. Bet he thinks you won't do it.

He's saying anything he can to try to scare you. DO NOT REACT. Say everything calmly. Keep all texts.

Stay strong.

Jx

BigAunty

Any marriage that ends is painful and may go through various legal actions to produce a settlement - you may indeed end up having to pay some of your assets to him but it could well be cheap because you are effectively purchasing your liberation.

Cease any further communication with him directly (or record the abuse, threats and so on for further prosecution) - block his phone number, email address and so forth. Find a solicitor that specialises in divorce and give him their details for all further contact.

Obviously your formal separation/divorce will be much harder due to his bitterness and an attitude of entitlement caused by years of exploiting and disrespecting you, his behaviour underpinned by an endemic belief in his right to lord it over you and be the privileged, powerful partner.

You indicated on the first page that your income went on the household while he squandered his on cigarettes, cars, booze, going out, magazines and he would routinely help himself to your money, too.

What you need to remember is that his pleading and anger is caused by his withdrawal symptoms from having his easylife taken away from him, one where his high standard of living came from subjugating you and pimping off your finances and emotions. His whole sense of identity came from dominating you and he's at a loss where to direct all his usual negative energy, he's lost his target (though he's trying his best to continue to intimidate you).

Even in the utter depths of his denial (his mixed messages of 'I love you. You deserve to be beaten. Take me back. I am going to take you to the cleaners. I'm sorry but not really - you provoked me') he knows it will be hard for him to find another sucker to exploit.

It takes a lot of research, effort and grooming to find a vulnerable woman with means who he needs to charm at first into their relationship before he then mounts his campaign to browbeat her into submission. It is a long process. He is not looking forward to experiencing a loss of status and income before he finds someone to manipulate. It takes a lot of energy and investment to get that kind of return now his former nest egg has extricated herself from his tentacles. This is why he is frustrated - a few days ago he was Lord and Master, now he has noone to abuse and a drastic drop in living standards to address.

brenda10

star_trek_fan wrote: »

You're making me cry. Really this isn't a wind-up.

Just had enough. Why am I still with him? Because I guess, I know how good it was and I don't give up easily. He's out again for the evening after trying to make me feel guily because he's gone out without any food because I refused to cook him a meal.

Going to visit my son next week who's relocating further away. His house will be empty, maybe I could stay there for a bit to clear my head.

His dad, who's egging him on to leave, won't have him stay in his house because of his behaviour.

Women can be abusers also, everything you say happened to my male relative, he was physically and mentally tortured, he said when he married it was for life.....he has wised up after 15 years and they are now divorcing, the relief he feels is incredible, you too need to feel that relief but it is your decision and you will make that decision when you are ready, things will only get worse. take care.

BigAunty

I missed the following comment "His dad, who's egging him on to leave, won't have him stay in his house because of his behaviour."

Charming - his dad knows he's a total pig but encourages him to direct at you? But won't let him over his threshold? Do you think your ex may have learned some of his 'manly' behaviour from his lovely papa?

Next time your ex moans about his (self-inflicted) homelessness, I really don't know how you manage to restrain yourself from responding 'Well go and live with your nearest and dearest. Oh, no, your kith and kin don't want you in their house either'.

Yorkie1

OP, hope you're OK.

Just wanted to point out that you're likely to qualify for legal aid in the divorce, I think. Most people are no longer eligible, but there is a domestic violence exception. The fact that he's accepted a caution for assaulting you would - again, I think - be sufficient to demonstrate your eligibility.

tayforth

Thinking about you, star trek fan. Hope you're ok xx

star_trek_fan

Morning all,

All OK here. Busy clearing loads of clutter and generally re-organising the house, vast improvement already.

Resolved to deal with legalities and estate agents next week once my family have gone home. Should have more of a thinking head on by then.

Thanks for all your support.

teawithmilk

So Glad to hear you are still OK and still have family around for company.....stay strong...we are all here for you! xx

miss_kc

Really sad to read whats happening to you there are many similarities to my situation some years ago. Stay strong you will get through this and you will come out of the other side stronger. Make sure that you do take legal advice as soon as possible and if you have any joint finances e.g. bank accounts credit cards etc stop them now. I didn't think my ex would stoop so low as rip me off as we had 3 young children at the time but he did and I was deemed more financially secure I was employed he was self employed so I was liable for all joint debts most of which were run up by my ex when we separated. Even if he does get a share of your house its worth it, believe me I know, obviously you will feel bitter about it but you will move beyond that and counselling does help. Above all talk to family and friends they will be there for you as is everyone on this board. Take care and stay strong