Do I call time on our relationship?

star_trek_fan

I've been married for 9 years. I've put up with all the shouting, the lack of respect, the constant demands for money, repeatedly being put down. I'm tired of walking on eggshells, doing things to keep him happy whilst he constantly changes the goalposts and I'm becoming increasingly scared of him.

I'm happiest on my own. We rarely do anything together anyway, I'm just a servant. I'm expected to pay all the bills and provide food out of my meagre income. He spends everything he earns on cigarettes, cars, booze, going out, magazines. If he doesn't have enough cash he will help himself to mine and then shout at me when there isn't anything to eat in the house or the phone calls come because I haven't managed to pay a bill. He has debts but just ignores them.

There's been no heating in this house since 2009 when I ran out of oil. 2009-12 I didn't even have hot water on tap as the immersion failed, having to use a kettle for hot water. Had a small windfall in 2012, so was able to have a new one fitted, but still no heating. Even though he wasn't working for a few years, I was still expected to find money for fags, alcohol, his going out money or I'd get the full verbal workout. I have rheumatoid arthritis in every part of my body, but I'm still managing to eke out an exsistence from my own small business, even though some days I'm in a great deal of pain. I'm not allowed to tell him if I'm having a bad day, he just doesn't want to know.

There are so many things in this house that just don't work or that are broken/damaged due to his temper. I can't repair or replace things, I don't have the money. On the rare occasion I buy myself something, I get asked why I haven't got him anything as he needs xyz etc. He has his own business, but when he runs out of things for the business he expects me to buy the stuff he needs because he has spent all the money he earnt.

There are so many incidences of bad behaviour, he's so selfish and yet, ask anyone where we live, and they'll tell you what a smashing bloke he is. He'll do anything to help anyone else, he does a fair amount of voluntary work and is a real pillar of the community.

I don't even fancy him anymore. I hate him kissing me and sex, well apart from it hurting, I just feel violated. He doesn't force me, but sometimes it's just easier to give in to stop all the shouting and verbal ear bashing.

My dog died 4 years ago, I was devasted and it still hurts. He came to the vets with me, waited in the car, yelled at me in the car on the way home with my dog wrapped in a blanket in the boot, to forget about the silly thing. When we got home, he couldn't wait to ring round his family to let them know. No consoling me, not even a hug or letting me phone my kids, who had grown up with my dog. That night, I got into bed, crying my eyes out, looking at his empty basket next to my bed. I remember being told to forget the c**ting thing and I ended up spending the next few nights on a mattress on the floor in another room. He still keeps yelling at me that he's glad he's gone. I can't forgive him for this.

His daughter is sick of his temper and is at a loss as to what to do. His parents say they're disgusted with him too but his dad is constantly egging him on to leave me. He even laughed when his son hurt me and said I deserved it. He is on anti-depressants and has been for a number of years, but his aggression is getting worse. But as I'm a !!!!!, cow and all manner of abusive terms, which I get told daily, it's all my fault, apparently.

I've asked him to leave, but he just yelled and told me 'good luck' on getting rid of him. It's my house, bought with money from the sale of my previous home, so I can't just go. We're both in our 50's, kids all left home (we don't have children together), second marriage for both of us. He has hurt me once and tried to hit me on one occasion, but fortunately my son was here and stopped him. I'm sad because we could have had such a great life togther, he was wonderful for the first few years, but this can't go on.

Given him loads of emotional support and thousands of pounds of financial support, but it's all one way. It's messing up my mind, feel like I'm stuck in this cycle. Feel so low sometimes. Managed to drive most of my family away because I'm so grumpy most of the time. Didn't used to be like this. Want to be part of the world again and be the happy person I used to be. Would be nice to be part of my grandchildren's lives too, but can't afford to visit them so they don't know who I am.

So, am now at a crossroads. Do I call time on this and try to get him out or plod on. Sorry it's so long, taken most of the day to write and rewrite and feel guilty for writing this.

mummyroysof3

I would be getting some legal advice about the house if it was me. Sorry you are going through this, be strong. Is there someone you could stay with if you left?

Artytarty

Oh my word! I don't normally post on these kind of threads but - you poor thing! Why are you still there,? This is the most appalling treatment that you have endured for far, far too long!
Leave or kick him out, have you friends to support you I real life or your childreN.
There will be a way out and you need to take it.xxx

geri1965_2

I can't imagine why you have stayed with him so long, Get out as soon as you can, live is too short to live with a bully who treats you with zero respect.

Sod the house, leave him to it if you have to.

Cinders:

Run screaming for the hills......NOW. Worry about the house once you're in a better place, life is far, far too short to spend any longer in what seems to be a very toxic environment. Good luck x

dogcat_2

I used to be married to a guy like him.........the best thing I did was when I divorced him....you deserve to be happy...everyone does. Get him out of your house as soon as possible...you will feel a weight has lifted off of your shoulders....you can then look forward to a happy future with your children and grandchildren. Do it!

Mojisola

Contact https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

His behaviour counts as domestic abuse - https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence
Compare his actions to the list - What are the signs of domestic violence?

As you are married, the house will be part of the assets to be divided up on divorce. Be prepared to sell up or buy him out - it will be worth it.

HPoirot

Big hugs to you. And are you really asking if you should call time? There is no relationship other than an abusive one, don't you want to get out of it? The thought of what could have been is the only thing that has kept you hanging in there hasn't it, I suspect these thoughts have been your mind's way of coping with the daily abuse. Well how long do you want to keep hoping for what could have been, please get away from that brute asap and seek legal advice over the rest.

Biker_James

At first I thought, this post is a wind-up!, surely no one can suffer this type of cruelty, and that's exactly what it is!

Sweetheart, leave before you have no point of return, stay with your family if you need to, then instruct your solicitor behind the safety of closed doors with your family.

What a vile individual this man is, virtual hugs being sent to you.

POPPYOSCAR

Put the house up for sale and start a new life.

You only live once.

rachiibell

I can't believe you are still there!

You need to look into the legalities of dealing with the house but right now I would be kicking him out. Change all the locks and leave his stuff outside. He can go with his Dad who is apparently so desperate for him to leave you. I know it's not normally recommended to do this but he sounds like a bully and the one thing that bullies don't like and makes them back off is being stood up to.

All the best for the future