Do I call time on our relationship?

Paypeanuts

A relationship should be enjoyable in some way or other - whatever that means to each person. You obviously get no pleasure from being with him, so why waste your life on him?
Pity his Dad hasn't managed to persuade him to leave you! Would be the easiest way!
Get some advice and decide what you want for yourself...it doesn't sound like you want this relationship.

paddy's_mum

"Do I call time on our relationship?" you ask.

What relationship?

hazyjo

You have ONE life.

ONE.

Do you want to look back at 60, 70, 80... and regret your life/relationship?

It won't change itself. He won't change. You are the only one who can change this situation - and that is by leaving him.

I know it seems like a mountain and you don't have the strength, but look around you. People split up/divorce all the time. There is help. We can help too.

As above - GET LEGAL ADVICE.

See exactly what he is entitled to. It's bricks and mortar - if you have to sell to get him out and pay him off, do it. Evict him if possible - don't just walk out and leave him in your home. See what your solicitor advises, but I would ensure the police are aware (if not present) when he's booted.

It's amazing how the involvement of police scares people.

Sod his family - you don't need to convince them he's an a-hole. I'm sure they know (sounds like father like son - his mum's probably in a similar boat). So what if friends think he's great. Ditch them, move nearer your grandchildren and ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Jx

hazyjo

PS I was harrassed by an ex once. Death threats in creepy poems, phone calls through the night, emails sent to my work knowing others would see them (insulting me, being very nasty - so much so that they offered to get the police involved), weird horrible stuff.

After the veiled death threat (signed 'The Grim Reaper', not his name), I went to the police with a friend and totally broke down. They sent someone to his work (my only address for him, he'd moved out of mine) and that scared the bejesus out of him. I think I had one call after that, maybe he picked the rest of his stuff up, I can't remember, it's all a bit of a blur. He traumatised my cat too - I'm sure he was nasty to her when I wasn't around.

He stopped after the police turned up...

=======

My last husband was, I'm sure, an alcoholic. We had great times, he was my best friend in many ways, but, Jeez, the moods and aggression when he'd had a massive drink sometimes. Just horrible. We had lots of rows, especially early on. Once he came home and slurred at me 'what's your effing problem...' and then I'd react, and he'd have a go at me for no reason, accusing me of being this that and the other. I'm not someone who sits quietly and takes it, I fly back. Not the best thing to do with an alcoholic! We divorced in the end.

People can be very cruel.

Jx

DKLS

This man is a disgrace to the gender I wouldn't treat my worst enemy in the way he has treated you,If you were my friend I would be calling round with the entire front row of the local rugby club and remove him and his belongings.

I do hope you can find the strength to get out this is no relationship, perhaps your sons place could be the ideal opportunity to get out.

suze200

It's been said before.... but please, please call Women's Aid. they will help you understand what is happening in your relationship and can help you in so many ways. Whether you decide to stay or go.

It's sounds mad now but I didn't know I was being abused until I spoke to them as nothing physical ever happened. But I was! Abuse can be financial, emotional, psychological , and more (your husband seems to be doing these 3 from what you have described in you 1st post)

PLEASE pick up the phone... what have you got to loose by talking?

fivetide

Please try not to accidentally kick him in the balls when you go. That would be a terrible shame.

heartbreak_star

Oh sweetheart, this is no relationship at all. Honestly, in my opinion you are essentially an abused slave.

Contact one of the organisations in the earlier posts. Look after yourself. You are not "giving up" when you leave, you are empowering yourself.

Lots of love.

HBS x

marisco_2

star_trek_fan wrote: »

Do I call time on this and try to get him out or plod on. Sorry it's so long, taken most of the day to write and rewrite and feel guilty for writing this.

Why do you feel guilty for writing this? The only one who should feel guilt and total shame is the guy who has reduced your confidence and self esteem so badly, that you even have to ask whether you should leave this toxic marriage, instead of knowing instinctively that you should.

I am so sorry for all that you have and are going through. I hope you have the love and support of good friends and family to help you.

BigAunty

The Shelter website has a relationship breakdown section that details your rights and options to evict him. As a sole owner of the property, you are fully within your rights to ask him to leave and then call the police to enforce it if he does not cooperate.

However, if there is even the smallest risk of physical abuse to you, you should read the Womens Aid website and the Shelter section on domestic violence to ensure you increase your safety.

The WA site in particular is good at explaining why abusers act the way they do, why those who are the victims of their abuse often tolerate it and forgive them far longer than they should, plus practical steps and emotional support.

Breaking up with an abusive partner carries a lot more risk at the stage of ending it.

You can expect a lot of resistance from your ex - his meal ticket has just evaporated and he will try his best to retain it - this could be anything from making promises to change, begging and being on his best behaviour (for a bit...) to a compaign of harassment or intimidation (or both).

Good luck.

EDIT - do you have a friend or family member who can be present when you arrange for him to leave the property,who can perhaps change the lock for you afterwards and stay for a bit?

Also, check your local council website for their domestic abuse services. Hopefully they will have a close relationship with the police and an integrated approach which gives you greater protection, such as an alarm installed in your house. It's probably a postcode lottery as to what kind of support you could get.