Do I call time on our relationship?

star_trek_fan

Have had the meeting. Neutral territory, albeit his mates office, with him and him asking me to let him back as he loves me, etc. etc., we can work it out, takes two to make an argument, he's nowhere to live, his mums really ill and he's worried.

I've no doubt that he actually does love me and I still care about him and he looked really awful. Tugged a bit at the heart.

Spoke to one of our neighbours just before I left and she said I look better than I've looked in a long time. I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

So, the answer's no, don't care if he's nowhere to live, no longer my problem. Very much looking forward to my future on my own terms.

teawithmilk

I've been lurking and keeping all my fingers crossed for you.....

((((Star trek fan)))))

hazyjo

Good girl. Stick to your guns. Two to make an argument, or one to abuse and the other to defend themselves.

Jx

BigAunty

Wow - admiring your strength of conviction, particularly as he's pushing all the buttons designed to make you forgive and forget. Love the way he's gone into classic abuser pleading mode - making excuses and blaming you (apparently, it took the actions from both of you for you to end up with bruises...?!).

Is it possible he sent someone else to damage the car? If so, I'd look into installing a hidden camera out the front and back of the property to capture any future vandalism by any parties. What are the chances of one-off spontaneous vandalism in your area?

One thing that irks me is not just his father's dodgy advice - 'son, after she escaped your beating, make sure she can't get back in....Also, don't confide in her of the important matter of your mother's terminal illness' but that he followed it! Could his dad have keyed the car or one of his pals?

Who, as an adult, remains so in thrall to their parents influence that they actually follow bad advice?! I haven't listened to my folks since I was a teenager and if I need them for an emotional issue, it will be as a sounding board, not as an obedient slave to their advice. What an idiot.

This matter will escalate, either with extra pleading and begging and/or abuse, so stay firm.

tayforth

star_trek_fan wrote: »

As regards the car, it wasn't him. It occured during the night when he was down in Sussex (approx 170 miles away) at his daughters, which I know for certain because I heard his voice in the background when she phoned to let me know yesterday evening.

Heard this afternoon from his daughter (he is still there), that his mum has bowel & sceondary cancer with poor prospects. He apparently knew last week, but his dad told him not to tell me. Explains the escalation of his actions, but not excuses them. It was his Dad also who told him to lock me out of the house Wednesday evening after I'd fled to the neighbours.

He is apparently devasted, but for some reason I feel no sympathy.

star_trek_fan wrote: »

Have had the meeting. Neutral territory, albeit his mates office, with him and him asking me to let him back as he loves me, etc. etc., we can work it out, takes two to make an argument, he's nowhere to live, his mums really ill and he's worried.

I've no doubt that he actually does love me and I still care about him and he looked really awful. Tugged a bit at the heart.

Spoke to one of our neighbours just before I left and she said I look better than I've looked in a long time. I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

So, the answer's no, don't care if he's nowhere to live, no longer my problem. Very much looking forward to my future on my own terms.

:T:T:T

I'm so glad to read this. You're 100% right, he is not your problem any more and there's no reason why you should feel any sympathy for him.

And, as you say, there may be reasons behind his behaviour, but there are no excuses. We are all responsible for our own actions. He was treating you like this long before his mother became ill.

I particularly love this bit: "Very much looking forward to my future on my own terms." :A

hazyjo wrote: »

There will be a whole stream of things now where he tries to excuse his behaviour.

He will also have looked into anger management.

And will offer marriage guidance.

He will have/will say he'll apologise to all your family.

He'll say he was depressed. That it took you leaving for him to realise that and he'll say he'll change and make changes...

He will then make you out to be the bad guy as he's doing everything he can and you're doing eff all, blah blah blah.

Don't fall for it. I wouldn't even listen to him/meet him on his own. Take someone with you. Manipulation is very hard to manage in front of someone else.

Jx

Absolutely agree with all of this.

tayforth

BigAunty wrote: »

Wow - admiring your strength of conviction, particularly as he's pushing all the buttons designed to make you forgive and forget. Love the way he's gone into classic abuser pleading mode - making excuses and blaming you (apparently, it took the actions from both of you for you to end up with bruises...?!).

Is it possible he sent someone else to damage the car? If so, I'd look into installing a hidden camera out the front and back of the property to capture any future vandalism by any parties. What are the chances of one-off spontaneous vandalism in your area?

One thing that irks me is not just his father's dodgy advice - 'son, after she escaped your beating, make sure she can't get back in....Also, don't confide in her of the important matter of your mother's terminal illness' but that he followed it! Could his dad have keyed the car or one of his pals?

Who, as an adult, remains so in thrall to their parents influence that they actually follow bad advice?! I haven't listened to my folks since I was a teenager and if I need them for an emotional issue, it will be as a sounding board, not as an obedient slave to their advice. What an idiot.

This matter will escalate, either with extra pleading and begging and/or abuse, so stay firm.

An excellent post, BigAunty. He is displaying classic abuser behaviour, and star trek fan needs to be aware that it may continue for a time.

I also wondered whether any of the ex's friends had keyed the car, the timing seems to be too much of a coincidence.

snookerwizard

I think you've answered it all yourself in your post. Read it all back to yourself and ask yourself what you are doing with a scum bag like that. Leave now .. Don't look back just get the hell out.

tayforth

snookerwizard wrote: »

I think you've answered it all yourself in your post. Read it all back to yourself and ask yourself what you are doing with a scum bag like that. Leave now .. Don't look back just get the hell out.

You might want to read the whole thread.

star_trek_fan

Can't say I'm worried about the car, it's a car, first one I ever bought new and I've had it 10 years now, have a lot of history with the car, but it is just a thing. It can be replaced. Don't even care who did it.

I've many weeks/months ahead of me before my new life proper begins, depending on house sale and legalities, but I've already made a change for the better. This is far more important than mere objects.

And the big help with all this is you guys on mse. Would not have known what was happening, nor what signs to look for without all the posts on this thread or on lots of other threads on the forum.

So, to all of you in mse land, MANY, MANY THANKS.:A

tayforth

You have an amazing attitude, star trek fan. I am so proud of you.

And can I just say - your new life begins today. The practical stuff can be dealt with - as you say, it's just objects. You are now free in your mind and in your heart, which is priceless.

We're all here anytime and we will be following you every step of your journey if you decide to share it with us. I for one hope that you will. My own thread has been an amazing 'diary' for me and I am glad to have it. In addition, you may help goodness knows how many women who are in the same situation as you.

xxx