Does everyone have friends?

hazyjo

Book group? I went along to one with a friend back in the early 2000s - a friend of hers ran it and another of their friends went, and there were several of us in the end (one or two blokes over the years). It kind of dwindled cos we never bothered reading the books and just met in the pub each month. Now, my friend and I tend to socialise with the two she knew originally, but we have a 'book group' do every Christmas at a local hotel function thingy with around 10 of us still.

Lots of my FB friends are people I've met online (and met most in real life) (car forums, writing, chatroom from over 10 years ago...). One ex-chat friend was my closest friend for a very long time.

Jx

jaylee3

fawd1 wrote: »

Why on earth is it sad to stay in touch with friends? You don't have to be in each others pockets to stay friends. My group of friends from school still see each other about 3 times a year, we somehow managed to still enjoy each others company despite every single one of us moving away from the area we grew up in for uni/ jobs. Out of six of us 3 left the country for a couple of years. You just make an effort or you don't. More fool those who don't. A good friend is priceless.

Agree with this. I am not in touch with anyone from years back, but it's not by choice. I think it's lovely when people are still school/college/uni pals after 20, 30, 40 years. I envy it actually.

Also, I know someone who thinks that people who live in the same town or village for their whole life is very sad too. I don't: I think it's lovely. Although, I do think it's a bit sad to have never travelled anywhere out of the UK, but then I know a couple of people who never have, and they are fine with it, so who am I to judge?

Have to say that IMO trying to make friends through hobby groups and book clubs and suchlike doesn't always work either. I have never made any lasting friends through anything like this.

carefullycautious

I am basically a quiet person who does not seek out friendships. I have a busy work life and love my time alone to recharge my batteries (hubby is best friend)

I have never been one for party's or nightlife although I enjoy the occasional night out with work colleagues.

My hobbies are solitary also, reading, crafts,walking.

I have had a family who have flown the nest plus looked after elderly relatives so don't seem to have the stamina for excitable people who may demand things from me that I really don't want to give.

However, as your predicament is bothering you you are young enough to do something about it. Your paranoid thoughts seem to be sabotaging your relationships and you are probably very sensitive to what other people say or do. Keep asking for help from GP

Good luck

martin2345uk

Whereabouts do you live Scratcheddisc? A big city, small town, somewhere in between..?

Totally feel for you; you are coming across as a really lovely person on here

missindecisive

Hi. My advice to you, as other posters have said, is to start with what interests you and go from there, be it some sort of club or voluntary work. That way you will have something to talk about. Friendships are complicated, friends come and go over the course of your life, try not to be too hard on yourself. Good luck

paddyrg

You can count your true friends on one hand. People have lots of acquaintances but far fewer true friends than facebook would have you believe! So it's not a case of being a few hundred friends behind everyone else, reality is probably one or two.

Where do friends come from? Spending time together. Why spend time with someone? Shared interests. It follows from there, really.

Gym is pretty rubbish for meeting people as all the activities there are quite insular - but you may find something like a martial art class better, where you pair up and spar a little. Eventually or around Christmas you'll know some of the others well enough to suggest a cheeky half after the class... and there we go.

My true friends all live hours away, have families of their own, and I haven't seen them in 5 yrs plus maybe. I have plenty of casual friends though, and that's through investing a little effort into making them. I started a Krav Maga class (it's actually been excellent for fitness and confidence too - waaaaaaay better than talking therapies to my mind, I was surprised how it helped my life in unexpected ways), I was terrified to begin with but it turns out most guys there were in similar positions and wanted to chat and be friendly. Maybe give something like that a try?

I'm also into film, so I took a job as an extra in a big movie - it was a bit of fun and I made another general friend there. Sometimes we meet up and chat film. Once in a while I'll just drop him a text and suggest a pint or coffee. Just the sheer act of texting someone suggesting a pint is such a practical simple step, you'll be surprised how often they'll say yes if they've nothing else on!

sweetme

Scratcheddisc wrote: »

I've inadvertently pushed away every friend I've ever had. I want people to like me so much that I think of reasons why they don't like me, and it leads to awful, paranoid thoughts.
.

I do this/did this. Would get close to someone and then push them away, convincing myself that they didn't really like me, I didn't deserve their friendship. It's only recently that Ive realised this was an after effect of a long marriage to a very controlling man, who, over the years convinced me that nobody liked me and I was worthless. I still have very few close friends, lots of acquaintances but very few I would actually open up to. You're still young, I really hope you manage to conquer your issues. Being aware of them yourself is a good start.

lostinrates

paddyrg wrote: »

You can count your true friends on one hand. People have lots of acquaintances but far fewer true friends than facebook would have you believe! So it's not a case of being a few hundred friends behind everyone else, reality is probably one or two.

I agree, ' real kindrid spirit friends' are few, and precious, and you cannot set out to make them, but the more other friendships you develop the greater chance you have of finding these people. For some its all they need, Others like a larger bustling social circle around these.


A stronger social circle does I think minimise 'jealousy' in friendships such as OP describes.

top_drawer_2

Scratcheddisc wrote: »

Thanks a lot for you reply. In regards to family issues, I don't know whether to feel relieved or worried that I can attribute some of my behaviour to childhood experiences. I only recently put the pieces together. It's not like I'm saying, "Oh my childhood was so rubbish, please feel sorry for me". I feel like the experiences have actually affected me and shaped me negatively. For example, sometimes I come in from work feeling very down and I won't feel like eating; I'll just go straight to bed. When I was in school quite often I'd come home and no-one would be home, and if there wasn't something simple to make for dinner, I'd just go to my room without eating. There are so many things that make sense now. Well, maybe it's just pointing the finger, but it makes sense to me.



I've signed up. There aren't any local groups, but there are quite a few in the next town.



Well, the issue right now is making friends. The issue historically has been keeping them. I remember in school I had this friend who I just clicked with from day 1. One day this new guy started at school, and I thought it would be nice to invite him to hang around with us. Quickly, however, I became worried that this guy was going to steal my friend away from me. I found myself picking at things about him I didn't like, trying to convince my friend that he was weird. Eventually after many arguments the guy said something along the lines of, "I'm not going to hang around with you two anymore because he's (me) crazy." At the time I was like, "What a ludicrous thing to say, he's the crazy one". Now, though, I know that I was so terrified of being left alone that I did what I felt I had to do. More or less the same thing happened a couple of years later and this time I was left alone.

I'd like to thank everyone for their replies so far. Although I am a cry-baby who blames other people for his faults, I am making an effort to improve myself. I've signed up to meetup.com, was up late into the night looking into therapy (I think it would do me some good to at least say this stuff out loud, because there's no one else I can tell and I'm just thinking about it all the time).

From what you're saying your problem lies in your belief system - you believe you cannot make / maintain friendships - the brain does not like contradiction and so you are compelled to make reality mirror your thoughts.

You would definitely benefit from support from a counsellor / psychologist but you could also help yourself by using books.

The Dummies guide to Neuro Linguistic Programming would be helpful to you as would 10 Days to Great Self Esteem or Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennel

When you look at counsellors consider looking at those who have "Life Coaching" or NLP experience - this form of therapy tends to be "forward facing" while other forms humanistic / psychotherapy tends to look into your past (the theory being that once you have a grasp on what your problems were, they will ease or disappear).
Life Coach directory I can't recommend this as something I have used, I found mine in a completely different manner but it will give you some ideas.

Look up TED talks -

specifically introversion as sometime people prefer to be alone and vulnerability, a huge factor in making friends

These are all some of the things I have found that have helped me in the past. Also as you advance through these things have a look at Rhoda Byrnes The Secret, the movie is much more approachable and finally remember that what you put in to your mind is likely to be similar to what you put out so try to read / watch / do something positive every day.

This is the list of inspirational books I am working through and this is a list of inspirational movies

And finally the ultimate how to behave so that people want to have you around, How to Win Friends and Influence People
I found his daughters book more readable

This wasn't meant to be a monmouth thread but hey I know a little about this topic. All the best x

CreditCrunchie

19lottie82 wrote: »

OK, best practical advice I can give you, based on my own personal experience, is....... get a job in a pub a night or two a week (perfectly do able on top of a FT "main" job).

Your confidence will increase, and you will meet loads of new friends, and also potential girlfriends.

I got bullied at school and started working in pubs at the age of 18. Best thing I did, it increased my confidence, my people skills, and my social circles.

Actually I wholeheartedly agree with this! There's nothing better than a bar job to kick start your social life. Some of my most socially enjoyable times were when I worked in bars as a student.