Does everyone have friends?

FBaby

Is the issue more about making friends, keeping them or both?
Firstly, you need to be in a position to meet people. You don't need to be the one to make all the moves, it can happen perfectly naturally. What you need though is show an open and friendly attitude so people will be drawn towards you. I have find that the best tool for this is to smile, smile and smaile. It makes you look happy and approachable.

You will then to take things naturally and don't expect too much from it. Go with the flow. Don't think whether people like you or not, either they do, or if they decide they don't, then they are not the friends you want.

They say that the best you can do is be yourself, however, I imagine that you instinctively (and understandibly) protect yourself and maybe don't show too much emotions to start with. It's ok to open up a little bit even if they are people you don't know well because it is by opening up, getting to know those people better and letting them know you better than you will develop the bonds that comes with friendship.

lostinrates

Tweeps wrote: »

You cant delete it now i've quoted it dont be so hard on yourself either, yeah?

While I agree its a superb post from Tahlullah if she wants to be able to remove it she should be able to.

lostinrates

Scratcheddisc,

With no friendships or relationship for a long time this potentially gives you little basis for gauging your long term commitment to others. I'd like to make a really simple suggestion that you can fit in around your work and other commitments. Join a thread on any subject that has friendly and chatty nature.

Some people here on Mse started a thread on a very grumpy board where arguments were banned and it was for OT friendly chat and leaving weapons at the door. Over the years some of us have become real life friends. Tahlullah is one of us sometimes, so we 're obviously not foolproof, because she feels alone, where as I think of her as a less regular 'member of our group'. The commitment to catching up with other people's news, commenting, and sharing others highs and lows is pretty much like 'real life friendship' so much so after the first twenty minutes/half hour of the first meet up I was at it felt just the same as when we chat here.

The kind of regular give and take and mutual interest and support might get you into the habit and 'mind frame'.

Re work persona, I wouldn't worry too much about that. You wouldn't behave with a lover how you behave with a colleague, or a client or customer how you might with a lover! We do behave differently in different situations, its part of a social skill. Doing this and remaining true to yourself is ideal, but it would be inappropriate to lay yourself barge and exposed emotionally ( well, or physicallY!) in the work place!

With family issues?
I have a mantra. What happened to me before I was sixteen or at a push 18 is 'their fault' after that I messed it up, and made it, all by myself. This has worked very well for me. I still get angry about some of the 'childhood stuff' if pushed so try not to get pushed on it! I'm also proud of the things I achieved whilst a kid, and that was down in part to them too.

You have maintained or gained employment in a difficult financial climate, this speaks well of you.

What are your skills Scratched disc, what are you good at? What do you enjoy doing?

BugglyB

One thing you could try (which I do as part of my nature anyway!) is just chatting to random people, complete strangers, so its low stakes and doesn’t matter if it goes cringingly wrong or if they aren’t interested in talking to you. Someone in the queue for coffee, someone waiting for your bus, old lady at the post office etc.

Doesn’t have to be someone you would want to be friends with, in fact it’s probably better if it isn’t! Strike up a conversation about the weather, the length of the queue, the football, anything you are interested in.

Sometimes I think the problem with going to a new group or social setting or meet up is that the pressure is on for good first impressions and that can make it hard. Some people aren’t naturally good at small talk so do what you would do with any other skill you want to improve and practice practice practice!

Ozzuk

I'll put another vote up for Meetup (and perhaps if there isn't one in your area you could start one). I was wondering how to make new friends after a divorce and do more interesting stuff with my life so I googled 'making friends (added my area) and found a meetup group close. So I took a chance, went on my own and have been with 'them' for around 3 months. Its awesome, since I've joined we seem to go out every week and I have a growing circle of friends.

So take a chance and go for it.

whiteguineapig

don't give up on the therapy idea as well, it helps to put life in perspective, i only had a short course but its really helpful

firebird082

If this has been on-going for a long time, it's possible that there are deeper psychological issues around. I had a course of CBT with a psychotherapist (self-paid, not referred from GP) which did wonders for my ability to create and maintain a relationship. It might be that this sort of thing is worth investigating, as it can make a huge difference (even having someone non-judgemental to listen can be extremely valuable).

There are a lot of other good ideas on here too - my good friends I've all met through doing activities - at least that way you have something in common. Good luck, and let us know how things go.

Good luck!

bluebeary

you sound perfectly normal to me, who doesnt have issues if theyre perfectly honest, at least youre aware of them, some people arent and never will be

its good you go to the gym but some people dont go to the gym to be social, they just go for fitness sake

maybe join some local groups which share your other interests and for want of not wanting to sound like i have shares in the website, which i dont and im getting a little concerned more people dont use it or have never heard of it

http://www.meetup.com/

where you can find people in your area with similar interests and stuff, make new friends

i dont like the idea of taking pills to combat what your doctor has told you might be depression or something similar, id rather talk to a cpn whos more like an objective friend who doesnt tell you what to do but just sits there and lets you work out what to do for yourself, good luck

19lottie82

OK, best practical advice I can give you, based on my own personal experience, is....... get a job in a pub a night or two a week (perfectly do able on top of a FT "main" job).

Your confidence will increase, and you will meet loads of new friends, and also potential girlfriends.

I got bullied at school and started working in pubs at the age of 18. Best thing I did, it increased my confidence, my people skills, and my social circles.

Mojisola

Scratcheddisc wrote: »

Plus I've created a bit of a false-personality at work.

Just keep in mind that you won't be alone in this. Some of the people you see at work and think they've got their life sorted are acting their hearts out while away from home.

Volunteering is a great way to break a pattern - going into a situation where you're offering help to someone takes the pressure away from "Are they going to like me? What should we talk about?" and so on. You have a purpose for being there and the people you're helping are primed to like you because you're helping them.

Otherwise the Meet-up groups or practical skills courses are worth trying.

BugglyB's idea is worth trying - when we're not confident, we often broadcast "stay away" signs through our body language. Start chatting to random strangers and your body will relax and other people will find you more approachable.

You've identified that there were problems in your past which are affecting the way you interact with people now - that puts you way ahead of many people who wander through life totally unaware of why they are as they are - with a few tools to work with, there's a very good chance that you can break free of whatever happened in the past.