First few dates etiquette

his_missus

I have to say if a man paid on the first date, I would expect to pay on the second and vice-versa.

If we went out for drinks, I would expect us to take it in turns to pay for a round.

It would not bother me if I chose to pay for an expensive restaurant as my date choice and his choice was a cheap picnic in the park or a DVD and bag of popcorn at home (once you know them well enough). You should choose the type of date according to your means, no point running up a huge credit card bill trying to impress someone if you can't afford it.

I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to pay for 3 dates in a row. If I were your sister, I'd have got rid of him too. Sounds like a !!!!!!!!!!.

Cottage_Economy

BugglyB wrote: »

I don't know why its ok for women to justify otherwise illogical things by saying they prefer to be 'old fashioned' or 'traditional' or because its 'nice'. By that same token surely men could insist that women iron their clothes because its traditional, or old fashioned or nice.

I think part if it is assessing whether someone can be generous with you without expecting anything.

It was something I watched my dates for closely. I knew that with any relationship there would be times when one person was earning less than the other or even nothing due to illness, redundancy or parenthood. If someone started out by keeping a scorecard it worried me that they may treat me like crap later on or make me feel unduly pressured and miserable if I needed their financial and emotional help and support. By that token, my partner could expect the same financial and emotional support when they needed it.

My father has kept a financial scorecard with my mother all of their lives (50 years of marriage this year). Even when they were dating if she couldn't afford something (like tickets to see a show) he wouldn't take her. He never treated her. He would go himself and leave her behind.

It hasn't mattered to him how much less money she earned or how less of a pension she has compared to him. He still expects her to pay half for everything.

I hate that miserly nasty attitude.

firebird082

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

My father has kept a financial scorecard with my mother all of their lives (50 years of marriage this year). Even when they were dating if she couldn't afford something (like tickets to see a show) he wouldn't take her. He never treated her. He would go himself and leave her behind.

It hasn't mattered to him how much less money she earned or how less of a pension she has compared to him. He still expects her to pay half for everything.

I hate that miserly nasty attitude.

Gosh, I'm surprised they are still married after 50 years with that attitude! Do they not share finances now then?

Going back to the original question I'd have to agree with everyone else. But, that said, for about the first 6 months my OH and I were dating he was always really slow to pay for anything (he earns more than me). It eventually irritated me so much that I sat him down and explained how it made me feel. He makes a bit more effort now, but I'm still embarrassed by how long it takes him to offer a round at the pub! (but it's shared finances now, so I'll pay using our money ).

As for dating - no expectations really, though if he hadn't got his wallet out by the third date I'd be a bit concerned about a freeloading...

Cottage_Economy

firebird082 wrote: »

Gosh, I'm surprised they are still married after 50 years with that attitude! Do they not share finances now then?

Going back to the original question I'd have to agree with everyone else. But, that said, for about the first 6 months my OH and I were dating he was always really slow to pay for anything (he earns more than me). It eventually irritated me so much that I sat him down and explained how it made me feel. He makes a bit more effort now, but I'm still embarrassed by how long it takes him to offer a round at the pub! (but it's shared finances now, so I'll pay using our money ).

Nope. No shared accounts at all. He keeps track of what he spends. She has to keep track of what she spends. He works it all out and the one with the overspend then pays back the other at the end of month.

He was horrified when he found out hubby and I had joint accounts that we use as our primary account that salaries etc are paid into. We have individual accounts too, but they are mostly for our hobby stuff, gifts and being able to treat each other without having the cost itemised on the main bank statement.

firebird082

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Nope. No shared accounts at all. He keeps track of what he spends. She has to keep track of what she spends. He works it all out and the one with the overspend then pays back the other at the end of month.

Gosh, that really does sound horrific! Can't imagine being in a relationship where I wasn't trusted with money. Still, I suppose it works for them. How does your mother feel about it?

Georgiegirl256

BugglyB wrote: »

I don't know why its ok for women to justify otherwise illogical things by saying they prefer to be 'old fashioned' or 'traditional' or because its 'nice'. By that same token surely men could insist that women iron their clothes because its traditional, or old fashioned or nice.

Exactly. :T

Would be interesting to hear the views of those who are 'old fashioned' and 'traditional' on this.

Acc72

BugglyB wrote: »

I don't know why its ok for women to justify otherwise illogical things by saying they prefer to be 'old fashioned' or 'traditional' or because its 'nice'. By that same token surely men could insist that women iron their clothes because its traditional, or old fashioned or nice.

I agree with the above.


It can be confusing. For the past 30 years the focus has been on equality (which I agree with), however some (not all) want to pick and choose which bits they like and don't like.


Open a door / pull out a chair / offer a seat on a bus etc. are all things that I would class as "normal" behaviour, however reaction to the above can be polar opposites.


As a male, I would say that a female embarking on a new relationship should offer to pay on the first date (and agree to the male paying), however they should insist on at least going Dutch on the second date.

Cottage_Economy

firebird082 wrote: »

Gosh, that really does sound horrific! Can't imagine being in a relationship where I wasn't trusted with money. Still, I suppose it works for them. How does your mother feel about it?

She doesn't like it but she's got used to it. However, it's had an effect on her self esteem. She doesn't believe in her own worth.

CC-Warrior

I wouldn't spend s**tloads on the first date (certainly wouldn't be comfortable eating in a restaurant on a first date) but would certainly pay for her.

Generally speaking when I've been dating and going for meals etc we used to take it in turns to pay. It would be very expensive and unfair to expect one person to pay all the time.

Also I'm not implying anything but some of the serial daters use the dates for free drinks and meals and we have to make sure that we're not taken advantage of in that way.

BugglyB

Acc72 wrote: »

I agree with the above.


It can be confusing. For the past 30 years the focus has been on equality (which I agree with), however some (not all) want to pick and choose which bits they like and don't like.


Open a door / pull out a chair / offer a seat on a bus etc. are all things that I would class as "normal" behaviour, however reaction to the above can be polar opposites.


As a male, I would say that a female embarking on a new relationship should offer to pay on the first date (and agree to the male paying), however they should insist on at least going Dutch on the second date.

I think a good rule of thumb with these things is, would I offer the same to a man in a similar position?

Holding a door open, its polite to hold a door to anyone, male or female. If you get a bad reaction from a woman when holding a door open I suggest you challenge it by saying 'I was merely being well mannered, you have a bad attitude'.

Giving up a seat, theres no reason you would give up a seat to a healthy adult male, so why to a healthy adult female? If the person is old or heavily pregnant or struggling to stand, then yes its polite and generous. Similar with pulling out a seat.