First few dates etiquette

aileth

Hi all, interesting debate. Just had a conversation with my sister at the end of her tether. She has been attempting dating for at least the past two years with very little success. We are both quite old-fashioned.

Just thought it would be quite interesting to garner some views as I've been out of the 'game' for a while and know I'm old-fashioned.

Would you expect the man to pay for the first date? Or even second, third, or more? Would you expect both genders to go Dutch for the first, or at a certain point into the relationship?

This is the third man she has met who she has ended up actually paying more for, e.g. buying drinks for him, since the first date. She has just contacted him to say she is really low on funds (they have a date tonight, think it's third or fourth), and would he be able to cover them and she'll repay it at a later date, otherwise she might not be able to go. He has replied back with a rather upfront response effectively saying no and she has to buy her own food.

This fella has a very good job, lives with parents and basically has zero outgoings. My sister has just finished her uni degree and only has part-time work atm, lives with parents but pays pretty hefty upkeep/rent.

Is chivalry dead? Did such a thing ever exist? Is it anti-feminist to be chivalrous in the eyes of fellas?

PasturesNew

I've never had a bloke pay for me..... I don't date as I can't afford to pay my own way on dates.

aileth

PasturesNew wrote: »

I've never had a bloke pay for me..... I don't date as I can't afford to pay my own way on dates.

Well that is definitely understandable. She has paid the majority of the evenings, lets say 75% at least, for the past 3 or so dates. She has no issues paying for her way in dates, but has been caught by an unexpected bill, so I think she was hoping he would white knight her.

jee

I would expect a man to pay for everything the first two dates and third I would offer to pay for drinks. But I've been lucky and always met guys who are very gentlemanly and pay for everything.
My OH is the same. When we're out he pays.

Carl31

As a man, should I ask a lady out, before I was married etc.. I would pay, and expect to pay, after all I asked her out

however, should she offer to pay some way, whether I accept the offer or not, it would probably count towards weather date number 2 should occur

maybe your sis is going with the wrong people?

System

Well ive never had to buy my own meal or buy a round of drinks but my experience of dating is somewhat limited.


I'd have thought the person who does the inviting pays.

InsideInsurance

Chivalry -v- equality.... an old discussion.

Personally as a guy, I would intend to pay for the first date (assuming the wife doesnt find out) but back in my dating days there were some women that didnt like it.

I HATE each person paying for what they had, it annoys me to hell. I prefer to simply take turns over who pays but if you are going to split a bill then simply split it by the number of attendees (obv on a date thats presumably 2)

Actually the wife on our first date said she was really scared because she didnt know the restaurant we were going to and didnt know if she'd have enough money to pay for her own food and thats why she decided to skip desert. I in my normal way paid for it in full and we went to a bar afterwards and she bought me a drink a couple of drinks.

One of my colleagues is single and she frequently complains that not only do almost none of her dates offer to pay for her but some have even expected her to pay for them.

Gigervamp

Sounds to me like the guy in question's a bit of a free loader. I think your sis would do well to keep clear of him.

(Seems like the software doesn't like the free loader word, hence my breaking the word into two.)

aileth

Yes, I did think that women disliking it came into it partly. My dad has had women go absolutely bananas on him for holding the door open for them 'because they're a woman!' He does it regardless of gender.

I have just asked her and he invited her to the date tonight, which is bowling.

heartbreak_star

I would never expect a man to pay for me. Why should I? I earn my own money and don't expect anyone else's to be spent on me

Generally me and OH buy drinks in rounds - and yes, in a group I stand my round too! - and if one of us fancies eating out/takeaway, whoever chose to do it pays. We also occasionally treat each other to small gifts, but it's in no way expected.

Chivalry is not dead, I like to believe it has evolved into good manners towards both sexes. However, sadly, I do sometimes see misogyny creeping in under the disguise of "being a gentleman".

I'm also of the opinion that women should contribute towards their engagement ring, or be prepared to hand it back if the engagement ends...

Maybe I'm a bit radical. Or just a bit mad

HBS x

System

aileth wrote: »

My dad has had women go absolutely bananas on him for holding the door open for them 'because they're a woman!' He does it regardless of gender.

Feminism gone too far! I'm a woman and proud of it!