First few dates etiquette

nickyhutch

aileth wrote: »

Just a question slightly off the topic of dating but relevant to something a lot of people have mentioned.

When you go Dutch, either a 50/50 divide or calculating who had what.

As far as family inviting you for a meal, my side and FIL will always pick up the whole tab if they invite you. MIL never does but I don't mind as I always offer with my side and FIL.

Now, I hate fiddling to work out exact shares, but how would you feel if you went out for a meal and the other party kept ordering really pricey bottles of wine that you hardly drank? Happened to us recently, I was sipping my glass but mainly drinking coke, she was knocking it back ordering more, it must have been at least 50% of the bill was wine. Also they kept ordering beer for my OH despite him saying he wanted no more and just wanted tap water.

At the end we all had to do an equal split and needless to say it cost a lot more than were expecting.

Thoughts? What if this happeened in a date situation? Say your date orders a bottle of Dom Perigreedynon but still expects you to go Dutch?

As annoying as being picky with the bill in I think at times it has it's bonuses!

We used to have this problem as most (all!) of my family are better off than us! I got fed up with paying for their steaks and wine so thought "in for a penny, in for a pound". We now choose what we want and have a better night out for it.


We go out a fair bit to a local tapas place that is AMAZING. I choose meaty stuff, and tend to eat the scraps that everyone else leaves (because I'm greedy), so we're paying for what we have, really. I used to drive but ended up paying for everyone else's beer/wine whillst I had a glass of water, so sacked that and join in now.

sulphate

aileth wrote: »

Just a question slightly off the topic of dating but relevant to something a lot of people have mentioned.

When you go Dutch, either a 50/50 divide or calculating who had what.

As far as family inviting you for a meal, my side and FIL will always pick up the whole tab if they invite you. MIL never does but I don't mind as I always offer with my side and FIL.

Now, I hate fiddling to work out exact shares, but how would you feel if you went out for a meal and the other party kept ordering really pricey bottles of wine that you hardly drank? Happened to us recently, I was sipping my glass but mainly drinking coke, she was knocking it back ordering more, it must have been at least 50% of the bill was wine. Also they kept ordering beer for my OH despite him saying he wanted no more and just wanted tap water.

At the end we all had to do an equal split and needless to say it cost a lot more than were expecting.

Thoughts? What if this happened in a date situation? Say your date orders a bottle of Dom Perignon but still expects you to go Dutch?

As annoying as being picky with the bill in I think at times it has it's bonuses!

I have had this with a group of friends before. Went out a few months ago and all ordered different amounts of food. In particular one couple had three courses and a lot of wine and a single friend of mine had one course and tap water. Funnily enough it was the couple who were keen on splitting the bill Other friend put her foot down and said no.

I don't mind splitting the bill if everyone has ordered similar amounts of food but to split the bill if it is very different is not really on IMO unless all parties are happy with it.

GobbledyGook

I think the OP's sister made the right call. The fact he's been happy to let her pay 75% of their dates so far, but didn't even suggest a "OK I'll pay this time and you can pay next time" is weird and a bit grabby to me.

I'd expect the person who did the asking for the first date to be prepared to pay for it all, but would expect the other person to offer to pay half.

aileth wrote: »

Just a question slightly off the topic of dating but relevant to something a lot of people have mentioned.

When you go Dutch, either a 50/50 divide or calculating who had what.

As far as family inviting you for a meal, my side and FIL will always pick up the whole tab if they invite you. MIL never does but I don't mind as I always offer with my side and FIL.

Now, I hate fiddling to work out exact shares, but how would you feel if you went out for a meal and the other party kept ordering really pricey bottles of wine that you hardly drank? Happened to us recently, I was sipping my glass but mainly drinking coke, she was knocking it back ordering more, it must have been at least 50% of the bill was wine. Also they kept ordering beer for my OH despite him saying he wanted no more and just wanted tap water.

At the end we all had to do an equal split and needless to say it cost a lot more than were expecting.

Thoughts? What if this happened in a date situation? Say your date orders a bottle of Dom Perignon but still expects you to go Dutch?

As annoying as being picky with the bill in I think at times it has it's bonuses!

I got fed up eating out with a couple we are friends with for this very reason.

Normally I'm happy to split the bit 5/6 ways as paying £27 instead of £25 doesn't bother me when I've had a lovely night.

However these two were always first there (even if you were early they'd be earlier) and would have started putting drinks onto the table tab. They'd have steaks or on of the fancier fish dishes and would drink expensive wine or cocktails all night. Then they'd want to split the bill equally. To the point that on one occasion when our friend brought her 12-year-old due to a last minute babysitter let down and the kid had pasta and a coke they included her in the equal split! I got fed up of paying £40 instead of twenty-odd after 3 meals out and I said we'd either have to start splitting it fairly or I wasn't eating out with them any more. The rest of the group agreed, but the couple haven't come out with us again because they can't afford the split I was "suggesting". Cheeky sods.

System

Thoughts? What if this happened in a date situation? Say your date orders a bottle of Dom Perignon but still expects you to go Dutch?

Well I don't think it would be very fair. If I had to go dutch I would pay but no way would there be a second date.

By the same token I wouldn't go for a meal on a date, order the most expensive meal/drinks and assume he'd be ok with it.

MrsE_2

bristol_pilot wrote: »

I think it's good manners that the inviter should pay for the first date. Thus I usually pay for the first and second date, after that I feel you should be on good enough terms to have a discussion about sharing of costs. Personally I do prefer to share costs after the first few dates but I'd rather take it in turns than split a bill which seems unfriendly.

I once dated a lady who not only insisted on splitting absolutely everything according to who had consumed what but also INSISTED on giving me £1 towards my petrol. We both had good jobs, she knew I didn't need that £1 and she was IMO making a point of some sort e.g. putting me in my place. I found that extremenly rude and I didn't contact her again.

The idea that a man should always pay for a woman is based on the concept that a woman is incapable of earning a living and that therefore a woman is to be 'kept' by a man, neither of which is a modern attitude and not a healthy attitude to be encouraged in young people IMO. On the other hand refusing hospitality offered in good faith is rude and insisting on precise accounting in cost sharing sends a message of wanting to keep the other person at a distance, not wanting to get involved in any way and if that's how you feel about someone there is no point in dating.

You sound like perfect boyfriend material :-)

shell1999

SailorSam wrote: »

Ladies. Do you feel sometimes, especially if a man has paid for an expensive date that he expects you'll repay him when you get home by dropping your pants.

I have usually been taken out by gentlemen who were very charming and respectful however you never know what a man is thinking, expect away is what I say.

I do think it is probably true that women who expect men to pay all the time do suffer from 'spoilt princess syndrome'.

When my husband and I are out shopping he always takes the shopping out of the trolley because he says if I do it my tiara may slip.

marisco_2

Netwizard wrote: »

As a bloke, i'd pay half and expect her to pay half. Not sure why I should be expected to pay for everything "because its gentlemanly"

If the woman wants me to pay for everything and not "go dutch", then I'm dating the wrong people!

Exactly this. To my mind if a guy is a gentleman then he is always the best version of himself, has good manners and is considerate. Part of that involves him seeing any dates as his equal, and being able to expect that he wont be taken advantage of.

Morglin

aileth wrote: »

Hi all, interesting debate. Just had a conversation with my sister at the end of her tether. She has been attempting dating for at least the past two years with very little success. We are both quite old-fashioned.

Just thought it would be quite interesting to garner some views as I've been out of the 'game' for a while and know I'm old-fashioned.

Would you expect the man to pay for the first date? Or even second, third, or more? Would you expect both genders to go Dutch for the first, or at a certain point into the relationship?

This is the third man she has met who she has ended up actually paying more for, e.g. buying drinks for him, since the first date. She has just contacted him to say she is really low on funds (they have a date tonight, think it's third or fourth), and would he be able to cover them and she'll repay it at a later date, otherwise she might not be able to go. He has replied back with a rather upfront response effectively saying no and she has to buy her own food.

This fella has a very good job, lives with parents and basically has zero outgoings. My sister has just finished her uni degree and only has part-time work atm, lives with parents but pays pretty hefty upkeep/rent.

Is chivalry dead? Did such a thing ever exist? Is it anti-feminist to be chivalrous in the eyes of fellas?

At my age now, I would pay my own way, so that he doesn't feel he's "owed" anything and keep my knickers on.

Worked well before, and I would stick to that.

Lin

System

sulphate wrote: »

I have had this with a group of friends before. Went out a few months ago and all ordered different amounts of food. In particular one couple had three courses and a lot of wine and a single friend of mine had one course and tap water. Funnily enough it was the couple who were keen on splitting the bill Other friend put her foot down and said no.

I don't mind splitting the bill if everyone has ordered similar amounts of food but to split the bill if it is very different is not really on IMO unless all parties are happy with it.

This is why whenever I'm out with friends everyone just adds up what they had and pays that

I'm usually on a budget and don't usually drink alcohol with meals where as others do so I don't think it's fair for me to pay for their drinks

I'd apply the same on a date

Maybe once you're dating it can be a bit different, if I'm out with bf and he's skint then I'll get dinner, but then he'll buy something else another time so it evens out, but we've been together a while and I wouldn't do that with someone if just started seeing

Buzzybee90

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

This is why whenever I'm out with friends everyone just adds up what they had and pays that

I'm usually on a budget and don't usually drink alcohol with meals where as others do so I don't think it's fair for me to pay for their drinks

I'd apply the same on a date

Maybe once you're dating it can be a bit different, if I'm out with bf and he's skint then I'll get dinner, but then he'll buy something else another time so it evens out, but we've been together a while and I wouldn't do that with someone if just started seeing

I once went out with some friends, there was about 10 of us so they'd added the tip. We all added up what we had had and divided the gratuity by 10 and added that, or so we thought... One couple refused to pay the tip (though didnt say so - I found out after from the people sitting near them) so everyone else had to make up the money .... I mean it was about a pound each!!