Wife accused of cheating, denies it...

POPPYOSCAR

nebakanezer wrote: »

That's what my doctor said but a few people on here said that sounded stupid

That is not stupid. It is harassment.

Mojisola

nebakanezer wrote: »

As much as you all think I've been 'badgering' my wife or whatever, and yes I came on here because I was having trouble with my own feelings, but it's precisely this coolcait that has devastated me more than anything else

Why did she need to send you the text you quoted if you're not going on about it all the time?

nebakanezer

Contrary to how I may have come across, I care deeply for my wife, love her with all my heart, have always treated her with the utmost respect, and love her now more than ever. I have tried my best to support her through this, but at times failed to control my own feelings.

This kind of thing doesn't fall at your door every day, thank god, so I have made mistakes on how best to deal with it, in hindsight I would've done things differently.

I'm a soft hearted caring person, and for the last 13 years it has been a good thing, and something my wife loved me for, but it's perhaps my softness that has allowed this situation to get the better of me, hopefully not for too long though.

GobbledyGook

People suggested it would be stupid to go to the police for your SIL accusing your wife of having an affair. If your SIL, and her father, are harassing your wife then that is different. However if your wife is the victim of the harassment then any decision to go to the police would have to be hers.

OP, what more do you want people to say to you?

Although you are not in an easy situation you are in one that is relatively simple to deal with.

If you believe your wife then you tell your SIL you have no interest in hearing her accusations any futher, that any constant haranguing of you or your wife will be seen as harassment and you tell your brother, your mother and your father 'SIL is wrong. Wife and I do not wish to hear another word about her rubbish.' Then you get on with your life and your marriage and you keep yourself busy with your wife and your daughter until you lift the shadow of this over you.

However if you doubt your wife then you need to be honest about that and let her make a decision as to whether she thinks your marriage can continue (if you cannot make that decision).

At the moment you are allowing your SIL's lies and your anger at the impact that has had on your brother, your relationship with your brother, your parents and your nieces to actually risk your marriage. It is blinding you to the impact it could have on you, your wife and your daughter. And that isn't your SIL - that is you.

If you really can't deal with it then you need to find help, perhaps ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor to help you work through your emotions before you allow your SIL to destroy your life.

nebakanezer

My mum and dad trust my wife, and think there's something wrong with my SIL

marisco_2

nebakanezer wrote: »

My mum and dad trust my wife, and think there's something wrong with my SIL

Going by the responses on this thread, most of the posters on MSE are in agreement with them!

Pollycat

nebakanezer wrote: »

Contrary to how I may have come across, I care deeply for my wife, love her with all my heart, have always treated her with the utmost respect, and love her now more than ever. I have tried my best to support her through this, but at times failed to control my own feelings.

This kind of thing doesn't fall at your door every day, thank god, so I have made mistakes on how best to deal with it, in hindsight I would've done things differently.

I'm a soft hearted caring person, and for the last 13 years it has been a good thing, and something my wife loved me for, but it's perhaps my softness that has allowed this situation to get the better of me, hopefully not for too long though.

No, you haven't treated her with the utmost respect since your toxic SIL started to sow seeds off doubt in your mind.
You are showing no support to your wife at all.

Any softness you have shown is risking your marriage.

How many people do you need to tell you that before it sinks in?

nebakanezer wrote: »

My mum and dad trust my wife, and think there's something wrong with my SIL

marisco wrote: »

Going by the responses on this thread, most of the posters on MSE are in agreement with them!

Jeez! :wall::wall::wall:


Why can't you see it?

Your wife does not deserve you - and I don't mean that as a compliment to you.

Sam_Fallow

nebakanezer wrote: »

Here goes, my wife and I have been together 13 years, married for 6, and were childhood sweethearts...

Our relationship has always had a 'meant to be' feeling about it and we've always loved each other very much and trusted each other with our lives.

Anyway over the last year perhaps we've gotten a little complacent and to people from the outside it might not look like we're as close...

This is where your problem started. That was the chink in your armour.

You seem to be waiting for something to happen, some action from someone else.
Are you waiting for S-I-l to provide solid evidence?
Waiting for your wife to confess?
Waiting for your brother to apologise for his wife's actions?
Waiting for enough support to come in to reassure you?

Well don't bother they are not going to happen. You are the only one who can do something about it and it's time you did.

You say you love your wife? Prove it. To her!

You don't have to trust your wife, it's what you do when you love someone. If you don't trust your wife then it looks like you trust your S-I-L.

You say you over-think everything and worry and have anxiety issues and some paranoia. I understand how that works. But on several occasions you have said 'up until now everything has been great...' so reassure yourself that for all that time you were right. Don't mess it up now.

My advice? Man-up! Make a stand and take control. Make a decision to end this and stick by it.

Apologise to your wife for your insecurities, make it up to her, give her the ring, go on holiday and have a great time, enjoy yourselves.

Then give her time to get over it, she is the one that has been hurt, not you.

If it were my marriage in question the title of the this thread would be...

Wife accused of cheating, denies it... End of story.

I wish the best for both of you.

Morglin

nebakanezer wrote: »

Contrary to how I may have come across, I care deeply for my wife, love her with all my heart, have always treated her with the utmost respect, and love her now more than ever. I have tried my best to support her through this, but at times failed to control my own feelings.

This kind of thing doesn't fall at your door every day, thank god, so I have made mistakes on how best to deal with it, in hindsight I would've done things differently.

I'm a soft hearted caring person, and for the last 13 years it has been a good thing, and something my wife loved me for, but it's perhaps my softness that has allowed this situation to get the better of me, hopefully not for too long though.

No, you have not supported her, you have allowed this to drag on, and obviously viewed her with some suspicion.

This whole thread has been about how YOU feel, how insecure you are etc., etc.,

Your wife must be bloody furious with you, because I would be.:mad:

You should have been round at your brothers, telling your mad SIL to either prove what she is saying, and if she wouldn't, informing her that she was no longer welcome in your house, on your phone or anywhere else. I would also have told her that if she persisted in slandering my wife, I would take legal action. :wall:

I would have told the rest of the family to stay right out if it.

I would have been telling my wife that you knew it was a load of cack being spouted by a fruit-loop, and that you would deal with it together, because you trusted her completely.

I would start trying to make it up to your wife, and forget how you 'feel' about it, as it's not you that is being considered a tart by the family, is it? :wall:

It is awful, and insulting, when you are accused of something, cannot prove you are innocent, and being doubted by the one person who should be there for you.

Lin :doh:

Morglin

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Ha ha!

My ex did that...found him checking the contents of my knicker drawer 'looking for socks'.

And then he followed me and tried to watch me through the windows of a pub where I was playing a gig. Or, so I heard from the bouncer, who escorted him from the premises.

Turns out that he'd done it several times at different venues and he'd been booted out/refused entry by staff who knew me at every single one over the course of a few months. But he didn't actually want to come to any of the gigs. Just wanted to catch me out doing things I wasn't even doing.

Tbh, by the end, I was tempted to just go ahead and do it, as I'd had years of distrust and months and months of his obsessing over a specific supposed affair with somebody I barely knew and lots of sarky/inappropriate comments about my mates. I didn't, though. But I stopped correcting people who assumed I was single.

Thing is, out of all the people he obsessed about, he never considered the two people I actually dated (the second of which has been my boyfriend for nearly a year now) once I was single as possibilities. Or the guy who turned out to be my best mate.

Shows how little he knew me, I guess. Assumed I'd be all about appearance, rather than intelligence and personality. Neither of which he had to any great degree.

Wearing isn't it?

I have always had, and still have, many male friends (some straight, some gay) and my ex could never get his head round the idea that men and women can be good mates without benefits! and assumed that it must involve sex lol

It had more to do with me liking more 'male pursuits' like going to football and rugby matches etc., and not really into (what he considered) more feminine hobbies.

His other bugbear was me horse riding - he assumed that anyone doing that must also be having a roll in the hay afterwards....:eek:

Not me, the only thing I rode was the horses!...:whistle:

But, strangely, ten years on from the divorce he now feels 'insulted' because I am married to someone disabled, and not to some younger stud (jeez, he was a nut, looking back lol).:rotfl:

But, my experiences with him means they I never, ever check DH's phone, Mail accounts, wallet, pockets, anything - lack of trust is the biggest killer in a marriage.

Lin