Friend is getting boring

Lets_say

I have a 65 year old BIL who is obsessed with routine. He also has certain meals the same night of the week - and then again, when I was a kid you could tell what day it was from what we were having for dinner.

OP, whilst I feel you are being somewhat unkind to your friend, I do understand as I have a similar situation. Whilst others have suggested that maybe your friend is depressed, I would ask is this the start of dementia?

Then again, as others have suggested, maybe she doesn't want your friendship anymore.

Obsessive cleaning? you need to meet my sister in law! But her house doesn't reek of chemicals - she has a sensitive nose.

duchy

Lets_say wrote: »

OP, whilst I feel you are being somewhat unkind to your friend, I do understand as I have a similar situation. Whilst others have suggested that maybe your friend is depressed, I would ask is this the start of dementia?

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Blimey !

She's retired-she's finding spending time at home preferable to the slog of working and fitting in everything else around work......and you think she might have dementia ?????????????????

Sorry but that is ridiculous - She's a normal married lady enjoying her retirement ....just because she isn't wanting to gad about with a woman half her age who appears to only want to do things together that she chooses doesn't imply any loss of mental capacity in any shape or form.

Forget the age gap. If someone posted "My friend of five years used to want to do stuff with me but since she has changed jobs makes excuses every time I suggest we do something and seems too busy to see me" the response would be.....either the friendship has run its course or have you done something unwittingly to offend her or maybe she is just too busy.......don't be dependent on one friend- make some new ones too.

Of course people bring their own experiences to the table and would suggest she was "not allowed" friends by a controlling partner or had problems she didn't want her friend to know about but just like the dementia suggestion there is nothing to suggest these less likely scenarios apply and the reality is the far more mundane explanation that she has moved on in life and the friendship hasn't survived the transition fully and has become less close.

I do think younger people tend to see retirement as the end of something -whereas often older people see it as the beginning of a new phase and a chance to enjoy life at a different pace-whether that is having the leisure time to do more out and about-or equally time to enjoy homelife more .

I hope the OP takes this as a sign to improve her social life and make more friends but continues to keep this friendship too even if it has changed as a five year friendship counts and they can still be friends even if the dynamics have changed. It'd be a shame to upset that with un-needed comments that the OP finds her boring - when the reality is probably she (the OP) feels a bit excluded with the friend's focus on different aspects of life.

Lets_say

ScarletMarble wrote: »

She tells me things I already know about her dislikes of food.

I always have some different to say, but with her she sounds like a broken record and she talks like its our first meet up. The last two calls she made to me I gained no further news from her.

The above is why I mentioned dementia, as it's what is happening with a friend of mine. Of course it is quite possible she's just fed up with OP.

sacha28

I'm 32, I work full time, I have a 2 year old DS and I have to clean on each of my 3 days off per week, otherwise I would live in squalor.

OP I think you sound quite vindictive. Who on earth do you think you are even considering to contact her other friends to see if they are also getting bored of her? What a vile thing to do. If you were my 'friend' you would certainly not be anymore once I had found out about your 2-faced ways.

If you don't like the way she lives her life then back off. Let her live how she's happy and you go and find someone who does the things you consider exciting.

Oh and FWIW, I have a very good friend who I wouldn't even think about asking to do something on a Tuesday as this is her 'cleaning day' (I know she isn't trying to avoid me, I used to live next door to her )

Pyxis

Lets_say wrote: »

OP, whilst I feel you are being somewhat unkind to your friend, I do understand as I have a similar situation. Whilst others have suggested that maybe your friend is depressed, I would ask is this the start of dementia? .

Lets_say wrote: »

The above is why I mentioned dementia, as it's what is happening with a friend of mine. Of course it is quite possible she's just fed up with OP.

Whilst early-onset dementia does occur, 62 really is pretty young to be considering that as a factor!

In my experience, and dementia aside, there are two reasons why someone repeats themselves a lot:-
#They have such a busy life and know so many people, that they forget what they've said to whom. 'Oh yes! You mentioned that the other day!' usually suffices, if you're told the same thing again.
#They've told a friend something a few times before, but it hasn't sunk in, and so they have to keep trying to get the point across to the friend.

pebbles88

OP, as someone's signature on here says... Your life begins when you realise it's entirely up to yourself what you wish to do with it. Frankly, It's nobody else's business.

I could understand if you were worried for your friend, but it just seems to be coming across as you wouldn't want to live like that, so you are trying to force her to change to fit in with your ideals.

Oh and the contacting her other friends to see what they think & try prove to her how wrong she is:eek::eek::eek:

If there is something going on that she is worried about, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd be the last person she'd open up to, people start to shut themselves off for many reasons... Including no longer wanting to be friends with a person, but not wanting a argument to start.

A big change like retirement can throw people off kilter, their normal routine is suddenly gone, which initially is a bit like a holiday..... It's all happy smiley...... But after the initial glee wears off. Sometimes its quite isolating to have all this free time & not know what to do with it.

Hermia

Pyxis wrote: »

Whilst early-onset dementia does occur, 62 really is pretty young to be considering that as a factor!

In my experience, and dementia aside, there are two reasons why someone repeats themselves a lot:-
#They have such a busy life and know so many people, that they forget what they've said to whom. 'Oh yes! You mentioned that the other day!' usually suffices, if you're told the same thing again.
#They've told a friend something a few times before, but it hasn't sunk in, and so they have to keep trying to get the point across to the friend.

I also think it's just a habit/trait. I think in every group situation I have been in (work, social club etc) there has been someone who is known for repeating themselves a lot. I think some people are just scatty!

Hermia

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

If she were my friend, I'd be trying to shake her up a bit. She's stuck in a rut and her world is shrinking by the day. She needs to have the focus shifted off herself and on to other things.

I'd start by going somewhere and jokingly insisting we make a rule that we can only talk about whatever we're doing. Nothing about ourselves or life at home. See how that goes for starters then build on that.

I do agree that it might be worth taking this lady somewhere different and to something that you can chat about afterwards (theatre, film etc). The OP may find the lady really enjoys it and it does get her out of a rut. I do take issue with the second paragraph simply because the OP may be talking about herself too. There is nothing in their post that suggests that she is sitting there talking about fascinating external subjects whilst the lady tries to talk about cleaning! She may be talking about her life just as much, but not seeing that it could be just as boring!

marisco_2

ScarletMarble wrote: »

I am so tempted to say to her following her next excuse 'What's more important - cleaning or friendship?'

Issue that kind of ultimatum and you may find you come second to your friend wanting to spend time with a mop and duster! Being someone's friend means accepting and liking them as they are. Not going all out to try and change them and the life they choose to live.

pebbles88

ScarletMarble wrote: »

She is 30 years older than me (62) and she cleans every other day, does 3 loads of washes per day and irons 95% of the washing. She watches the crap film on Five or a freeview channel and goes to bed watching tv at 7pm and going to sleep at 9-9:30pm.

Nothing wrong at all with this if she's happy.

All she talks about is the above and offers at cheap shops. I have suggested things to make her life easier such as cordless phones and does not want to know

Then when we eat out, she always orders the same as me - apart from when I have ordered pasta.

Has she ever said she has any problems with phones? Or is it you that has the issue with it? If she's happy, & you keep saying she needs this n that, I'd be having none of it either. Possibly with a side of..... Butt out !!!

And the offers @ cheap shops, who wouldn't want their friends/family to not miss out on a bargain!

Food wise, she orders the same thing... Perhaps she's nervous of ordering something & it being awful, the old.... Ok let's try something new..... It arrives..... & you see your friends/oh/siblings meal looks ssooo much better!