Unwanted Guest.....

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
62 replies 7.2K views
RossyRedRossyRed Forumite
19 Posts
Although I'm not a physiatrist I have very strong suspicions having read an enormous amount about that subject, that my father is a raving Narcissist.

The amount of emotional abuse my sister and I suffered over the years is insurmountable and I have decided that no contact is the best approach for my own and my family's sanity and wellbeing. Sadly my sister committed suicide with much of her depression being caused by the abuse she suffered.

As a result of going no contact I have been the victim of a smear campaign to the extent that my cousin who is a very good friend and my best man decided not to invite me to his son's Christening. Other members of my family who I am close to are also refusing to speak to me.

This is not so much the problem as reading about campaigns like this there is little I can do to counter the lies and miss truths that will have been said. I am sadly accepting that the loss of some of my family who chose to believe his lies is the price I may have to pay.

My problem is that he has told my mother, who is long divorced and also suffered immense emotional abuse that he is going to turn up at my wedding which is due later in the year. He has taken great pleasure in ruining almost every special occasion in my life so I am certain he will take great pleasure in ruining what should be the best day of my life.

Considering this man has no feelings, emotions, rationale, consideration and empathy how do I prevent this from happening.

My only thoughts having just found this out are:

1. Threated to exposure him for a serious criminal offence he committed when he was younger. He was a Police officer for many years so this could be devastating.

2. Threat of violence.

3. Nothing and hope he is bluffing and just deal with the situation if he does turn up.

4. Another option?

I am and never have been a violent person but am desperate to avoid him once again tarnishing his day.
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Replies

  • securityguysecurityguy Forumite
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    Is the wedding taking place at a private venue? In which case, refuse him entry and call the police if he does not leave.
  • Emmamumof2Emmamumof2 Forumite
    1.2K Posts
    Is the wedding taking place at a private venue? In which case, refuse him entry and call the police if he does not leave.



    I'd second that, my Dad was not on speaking terms with my sister when she got married. He went to take a look at her in her dress, and although he didn't say anything to anyone or make a nuisance in any way and was stood a distance away, as it was a civil ceremony he was asked to leave by a member of the hotel staff and obviously he complied, no police attendance needed. So if it is a private venue such as a hotel this seems like the least disruptive way to deal with it - least disruptive to your special day and you and your wellbeing, not your fathers obviously!
  • Wedding is at a church. Not sure about ownership or public right so will speak to minister
  • *Louise**Louise* Forumite
    9.2K Posts
    Do you have a family member who would be happy to deal with him on your behalf if he was to turn up, so you wouldn't be drawn in and have your day ruined?


    (When I say 'deal with him', I mean watch out in case he shows up, stop him entering, asks him to leave the premises, phone the police if necessary etc)
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  • Prothet_of_DoomProthet_of_Doom Forumite
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    Get an injunction, preventing him from coming within 300 yrds of the event. That would make his attendence a criminal offence.

    If he had objections to your marriage, he can state them to the vicar before hand.
  • InsideInsuranceInsideInsurance Forumite
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    Is the wedding taking place at a private venue? In which case, refuse him entry and call the police if he does not leave.

    In England & Wales all weddings have to happen in public places - the reception obviously can be private. Likewise all weddings have to be publicised either through banns if in a church or via the registry office if non-religious. Again just the wedding itself not the party.

    Presumably you dont have any form of injunction against him and therefore he is perfectly entitled to attend if he wants and unless he commits a criminal offence whilst there then there is nothing you can do.

    Your options are really to have it as an open event and hope he doesnt attend. Try and keep it secret, after all the wedding is only publicised locally and if you marry in a different area he is unlikely to read the notice. Alternatively get married abroad where you can have it in a private place and have no requirement to publicise the details. Or get an injunction against him so he cannot come close to you - as far as I know there is no exceptions for marriage cerimonies
  • NickiNicki Forumite
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    I am afraid that all weddings, whether civil or church, must be open to the public by law. I would not suggest that you attempt to have him excluded from the church or venue, as if he is the troublemaker you describe with a law background, the most likely consequence of that is that he will then apply to have your marriage annulled!

    One option might be to have a top secret civil wedding in a registry office with witnesses off the street, followed by a big church blessing and reception the following day as already planned, when your father could perfectly legally be barred from attending if your vicar consents. Alternatively send him an invitation to the wedding but at a church with the same name as yours but a different address and on the same date and time as yours and he will probably turn up to disrupt you at the wrong venue!
  • Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice.

    The venue is booked and invites have been sent so no chance of changing.

    There is the chance he is bluffing to continue with the control he loves to wield.

    He is a coward so the wrath of my future I laws could be too much.

    However the injunction idea does sound like a good idea.

    Does anyone have any ideas of the process of obtaining one?
  • NickiNicki Forumite
    8.2K Posts
    ETA an injunction may not be an option unless you have evidence of a recent campaign of harassment. You need a minimum of 3 reasonably serious incidents which have caused you alarm and distress in the very recent past, and there is no guarantee that it will be granted. It could also be expensive if contested.
  • Stephb1986_2Stephb1986_2 Forumite
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    If it was me I would ask a friend or family member to keep an eye out for him and if he does turn up ask him to leave. The chances are that he won't turn up I had the same worry over my wedding three weeks ago and the people I didn't want attending didn't so try not to worry about it too much.

    Steph xx
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