I hurt a stranger online unintentionally

POPPYOSCAR

I agree with the majority who say why hear him out?

As far as I am concerned you are best to stay well away from him.

Do not let this put you off I know two couples who met this way and are very happy.

giantmutantbroccoli

I should probably add here that, as well as the creepy guy that I never actually met IRL, I have met several perfectly nice, normal guys on that site! Including one guy I dated for about 6 months, and several guys who were fine, just not really my type. I didn't mean to make it sound like online dating is particularly dangerous. Follow some rules to keep yourself safe - only agree to meet in public places until you're sure the person is real, don't tell anyone where you live or work until you're sure they're real, don't accept lifts from strangers, tell your friends when you're out on a date etc - and it's no more dangerous than going out clubbing, or anywhere else for that matter.

RuthnJasper

yvonne13 wrote: »

I joined a dating website a few weeks ago and got talking a really nice man. His profile stood out as it felt honest like he had written it from the heart. The only slight issue was he only had one photo posted so I wasn't sure if it was an old photo e.g taken 10 years ago. I asked him if he could post a few more pictures but he said he could'nt as he was using an Iphone. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped the photo was a recent one.

Fast forward to Saturday evening he asked me on an actual date. As I had only seen one photo of him (taken on holiday looking great) I asked if it would be okay for us both to have a chat on Skype first before meeting so we could both feel comfortable and well to be honest I could make sure he looked like his photo.

Fast forward last night.....He turned on his cam and at first he was sat in the dark and refused to turn the light on so I couldn't see his face. I asked him a second time to turn on the light and he said he didn't feel comfortable yet. Anyway after chatting for over an hour he said he was going to get a hot drink and when he got back he turned on the light and that's when things went wrong.

He looked nothing like his photo......I don't mean his photo was taken years ago I mean it wasn't him!!!! He lied about his ethnicity. He saw the look of shock on my face and I was doing my best not to click on the blocked button as I wanted to know why he did that. I asked him what's up with his fake photo and he said he just wanted someone to get to know the real him first before seeing what he really looked like.....

He couldn't understand why I was upset....I told him its best we leave it as he took away my choices. He tried to just brush of my worries saying I was making a mountain out of a mole hill and that's when I went to town on him. I called him a trickster/fraudster and removed him asap from Skype.

I've woken up this morning feeling really horrible about the situation. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and on reflection I could've handled the situation better. It's not the fact that he posted the fake photo but the fact he carried on with the pretence.

Even though what he done was wrong, I don't know if his excuse was genuine due to rejection or whatever...All I do know is that we got on great before all this and now he's sent me a message on the dating site asking me to hear him out... I honestly don't know what to do

Don't beat yourself up sweetie. You weren't the one lying. I should just avoid him in future; he could be lying about all sorts of other things too.

There are plenty of genuine lovely chaps online (wish I could find one!) in amongst the trolls. You sound like a nice person; I hope you have better luck soon. x

yvonne13_2

RuthnJasper wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up sweetie. You weren't the one lying. I should just avoid him in future; he could be lying about all sorts of other things too.

There are plenty of genuine lovely chaps online (wish I could find one!) in amongst the trolls. You sound like a nice person; I hope you have better luck soon. x

Thank you

victory

yvonne13 wrote: »

Thank you

Was he the only person you were talking to?

paulineb_2

victory wrote: »

Was he the only person you were talking to?

I dont think that matters tbh. Doesnt excuse his behaviour.

Rev

yvonne13 wrote: »

I joined a dating website a few weeks ago and got talking a really nice man. His profile stood out as it felt honest like he had written it from the heart. The only slight issue was he only had one photo posted so I wasn't sure if it was an old photo e.g taken 10 years ago. I asked him if he could post a few more pictures but he said he could'nt as he was using an Iphone. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped the photo was a recent one.

Fast forward to Saturday evening he asked me on an actual date. As I had only seen one photo of him (taken on holiday looking great) I asked if it would be okay for us both to have a chat on Skype first before meeting so we could both feel comfortable and well to be honest I could make sure he looked like his photo.

Fast forward last night.....He turned on his cam and at first he was sat in the dark and refused to turn the light on so I couldn't see his face. I asked him a second time to turn on the light and he said he didn't feel comfortable yet. Anyway after chatting for over an hour he said he was going to get a hot drink and when he got back he turned on the light and that's when things went wrong.

He looked nothing like his photo......I don't mean his photo was taken years ago I mean it wasn't him!!!! He lied about his ethnicity. He saw the look of shock on my face and I was doing my best not to click on the blocked button as I wanted to know why he did that. I asked him what's up with his fake photo and he said he just wanted someone to get to know the real him first before seeing what he really looked like.....

He couldn't understand why I was upset....I told him its best we leave it as he took away my choices. He tried to just brush of my worries saying I was making a mountain out of a mole hill and that's when I went to town on him. I called him a trickster/fraudster and removed him asap from Skype.

I've woken up this morning feeling really horrible about the situation. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and on reflection I could've handled the situation better. It's not the fact that he posted the fake photo but the fact he carried on with the pretence.

Even though what he done was wrong, I don't know if his excuse was genuine due to rejection or whatever...All I do know is that we got on great before all this and now he's sent me a message on the dating site asking me to hear him out... I honestly don't know what to do

You've more patience and understanding than me. If someone agreed to a skype call with me then refused to put the light on that alone would be weird enough for me to decide there and then I wasn't meeting him. I'd feel like a right plonker having a conversation with someone sat in the dark. Plus it's a way for him to be control the situation. He decided when and if you see him. All whiles he gets to see you. I'd not have sat and spoke to someone in the dark for any more than a few minutes.


In my opinion he sounds like a right weirdo and you're better off out of it.

Byzantium14

My first reaction on reading this thread was 'block and report', but I see you have already done this. In fact, you have behaved sensibly and with dignity and compassion throughout and should be commended (not criticised as one poster did).

I don't go on dating sites (happily married), but I do 'speak' to a heck of a lot of people over the internet. My attitude is to trust nothing you read (or see, in the case of a photo) until it can be verified in some way. Treat the forum/dating site/whatever as a source of interesting leads, but don't take anything seriously until you have checked it up, verified the advice, seen the person, whatever.

One of my favourite internet photos is of a very fat, bearded, middle-aged man sitting in his underpants at a computer. The caption reads "23/f/cali". (For those unfamiliar with the lingo, he's been asked for his 'age, sex and location' and has replied that he is 23, female and Californian. And who would know any different, unless they met him? Don't let this experience put you off, but let it reinforce your natural wariness, which has served you well in this instance.)

voucher

duchy wrote: »

If you are smart internet dates can be checked out far more easily than someone you meet at a large social event or an art gallery (or a garden centre as you are into fencing) or anywhere else where you don't have friends or acquaintances in common.

People should take sensible precautions in all those circumstances- which the OP should be congratulated for doing not put down by silly people like you. I don't think it's the OP who needs to grow up but perhaps you do and maybe then you'd stop making daft judgmental comments about someone you know little about.

You don't know me either so you shouldn't be judging me for airing my opinion.