I hurt a stranger online unintentionally

yvonne13_2

I joined a dating website a few weeks ago and got talking a really nice man. His profile stood out as it felt honest like he had written it from the heart. The only slight issue was he only had one photo posted so I wasn't sure if it was an old photo e.g taken 10 years ago. I asked him if he could post a few more pictures but he said he could'nt as he was using an Iphone. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped the photo was a recent one.

Fast forward to Saturday evening he asked me on an actual date. As I had only seen one photo of him (taken on holiday looking great) I asked if it would be okay for us both to have a chat on Skype first before meeting so we could both feel comfortable and well to be honest I could make sure he looked like his photo.

Fast forward last night.....He turned on his cam and at first he was sat in the dark and refused to turn the light on so I couldn't see his face. I asked him a second time to turn on the light and he said he didn't feel comfortable yet. Anyway after chatting for over an hour he said he was going to get a hot drink and when he got back he turned on the light and that's when things went wrong.

He looked nothing like his photo......I don't mean his photo was taken years ago I mean it wasn't him!!!! He lied about his ethnicity. He saw the look of shock on my face and I was doing my best not to click on the blocked button as I wanted to know why he did that. I asked him what's up with his fake photo and he said he just wanted someone to get to know the real him first before seeing what he really looked like.....

He couldn't understand why I was upset....I told him its best we leave it as he took away my choices. He tried to just brush of my worries saying I was making a mountain out of a mole hill and that's when I went to town on him. I called him a trickster/fraudster and removed him asap from Skype.

I've woken up this morning feeling really horrible about the situation. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and on reflection I could've handled the situation better. It's not the fact that he posted the fake photo but the fact he carried on with the pretence.

Even though what he done was wrong, I don't know if his excuse was genuine due to rejection or whatever...All I do know is that we got on great before all this and now he's sent me a message on the dating site asking me to hear him out... I honestly don't know what to do

whitewing

Hear him out then.

Artytarty

Don't beat yourself up! He deliberately mislead you.
Sorry, but it might have been different if he had used his own photo but was not quite so good lokoking in real life.he set ot to deceive.
Put it behind you, he deserved a shocked reaction.

Buzzybee90

yvonne13 wrote: »

I joined a dating website a few weeks ago and got talking a really nice man. His profile stood out as it felt honest like he had written it from the heart. The only slight issue was he only had one photo posted so I wasn't sure if it was an old photo e.g taken 10 years ago. I asked him if he could post a few more pictures but he said he could'nt as he was using an Iphone. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and hoped the photo was a recent one.

Fast forward to Saturday evening he asked me on an actual date. As I had only seen one photo of him (taken on holiday looking great) I asked if it would be okay for us both to have a chat on Skype first before meeting so we could both feel comfortable and well to be honest I could make sure he looked like his photo.

Fast forward last night.....He turned on his cam and at first he was sat in the dark and refused to turn the light on so I couldn't see his face. I asked him a second time to turn on the light and he said he didn't feel comfortable yet. Anyway after chatting for over an hour he said he was going to get a hot drink and when he got back he turned on the light and that's when things went wrong.

He looked nothing like his photo......I don't mean his photo was taken years ago I mean it wasn't him!!!! He lied about his ethnicity. He saw the look of shock on my face and I was doing my best not to click on the blocked button as I wanted to know why he did that. I asked him what's up with his fake photo and he said he just wanted someone to get to know the real him first before seeing what he really looked like.....

He couldn't understand why I was upset....I told him its best we leave it as he took away my choices. He tried to just brush of my worries saying I was making a mountain out of a mole hill and that's when I went to town on him. I called him a trickster/fraudster and removed him asap from Skype.

I've woken up this morning feeling really horrible about the situation. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings and on reflection I could've handled the situation better. It's not the fact that he posted the fake photo but the fact he carried on with the pretence.

Even though what he done was wrong, I don't know if his excuse was genuine due to rejection or whatever...All I do know is that we got on great before all this and now he's sent me a message on the dating site asking me to hear him out... I honestly don't know what to do

There's nothing ok about lying about your age/ethnicity on a dating website, it is just an older version of grooming children by pretending to be a cool teen.

You get a lot of weirdos on dating websites.

geri1965_2

I would also hear him out. What is his ethnicity and what did you think he was? I was reading something recently which said that certain ethnic types do have a harder time getting dates from online dating agencies, as people had preconceived stereotypes about them (the article stated black women, but I dare say it applies to other groups too).

So in some ways maybe it is understandable.

monty-doggy

I'd be wondering what else he has lied about, and what he would lie about in the future. Is he not using his real pic because he is married/stalker/criminal!! You never know and to be so dishonest so early on, IMO you've had a lucky escape xx

System

I'd hear him out but you cant force attraction at the end of the day.

mrssaver_2

I suppose hearing him out would do no harm really and he may actually have a genuine reason for misleading you... but would you ever really be able to trust him?

At least by hearing him out you may get some closure.

Errata

Hear him out, he'll eventually get around to mentioning his wife and kids.

Tropez

Why bother hearing him out?

I don't think you have anything to feel upset about. He lied to you before you even had a chance to get to know him.

He's the one who should feel bad because he wanted the date with you and he blew that opportunity by trying to deceive you. What would he think would actually happen on this date? That you'd be expecting this handsome chap, and all of a sudden somebody entirely different shows up claiming to be him?

If he's that insecure that he can't even use an actual photo of himself (even an older one!) and seems to think that if you "get to know him" you'll forgive all his flaws then he's not even ready to date anyone.

Tigsteroonie

Tropez wrote: »

He's the one who should feel bad because he wanted the date with you and he blew that opportunity by trying to deceive you.

This ^^^

Forget you hurting him unintentionally, he has hurt you by intentionally posting a misleading photo and leading you on.