talk me down please

purpleshoes_2

meritaten wrote: »

PURPLESHOES, MIL, as you know, is NOT someone melly loves. I think she is right to stay away, but, you could be right to think that as bridges have been sort of mended lately, then melly could or should be there. I can see where you are coming from. I am not saying I am right and you are wrong. there IS no right and wrong here - only what people feel is right at this time. its a difficult situation. and one on which different people will view differently. you have been a really supportive poster - I know that.

Well I have tried

But given that the OP has posted that her OH has been "grinch like" on numerous occasions and has snapped at her and then I say something and Im mentioned???

Well. Ive been concerned about her when she hasnt been eating, more than once over the months.

And yes, if it were me right now in this situation, no matter how toxic things are, I would want to be there when MIL is dying.

Not just because of the fall out later, but because when her OH isnt coping, when its clear hes not, who will he want to be there?

My uncle suffered from schizophrenia, he later killed himself, when my granpa was dying of bowel cancer, my uncle was there and they said I love yous when my grandpa died.

It is horrendous and every situation is different and the MIL may be a toxic old cow, but if the OP isnt there when she dies, well when the husband comes home and says, why werent you there?

The entire family are going to have to try and pick up the pieces and its not going to be easy and as hard as it is for the OP and I really appreciate that because Ive been through enough myself, well all I can say is, Im clearly not someone whose opinion is valued (and I dont need or want validation)

Sometimes you might need to hear a point of view that disagrees with your own, that is all

And I dont post to try and upset people, I never would

purpleshoes_2

mellymoo74 wrote: »

When were you called out Purpleshoes. I said that it had upset me and that I didn't think you'd meant to?

I also nursed my dad upto the last 24 hours when he was taken into a hospice because I weighed 5.5 stone. I then and continue to live with the guilt that despite promising him he would die at home he didn't. My OH kknowing me as he does will only ask me to go if he needs me in part because he knows that making sure my MIL for her wish and my dad didn't would be upsetting to me. Do I make a little more sense now


And I now can't bloody thank the last couple o posts because of how it will look

I generally thank a day or so later (tho I have thanked sone as I get to them)

You can thank any posts you wish

I wouldnt ever stop someone from doing that and its not my intention, just that Ive posted a lot on this thread over the months with the best of intentions and other people have been quoted and thanked and me not

So it was already in my thoughts that I might have upset you and hopefully you might realise right now whether we always agree or not that that was not my intention

I watched my grandpa die from bowel cancer 6 months from diagnosis and my uncle killed himself later, so whether our experiences match and they clearly do not, I did not post earlier to try and upset you

Because I know how hard it must be for you and yours right now

All I was concerned about was that your OH was upset with you for him not being there yesterday so if she died and you werent there, he might upset you more, no more and no less

I wasnt trying to upset you at a time when you had enough on your plate, I am not like that.

purpleshoes_2

And the comments I made about my posts not being thanked wasnt to upset you, I dont care if people thank my posts x 100, or not at all

It was because if I think I have already cheesed someone off, Im not going to line up to do it again and that was not my intention earlier.

I have been very concerned about you over the months and that is the truth.

meritaten

I have to go melly - my grandson needs to go to bed and he wont go without me.
I hope your MIL passes peacefully, surrounded by people who love her.
do what YOU feel is right.

mellymoo74

OH is home MIL is hanging on.
Mr Cat was sat on OH feet with front paw round legs looking at MIL purring. I think he knows and he knows where he's coming.

OH wants me to come with him in the morning so I will.

Probably gonna stdy awake so I can get the phone if needed

*max*

Really, Purpleshoes, it's neither the place nor the time.

thorsoak

Thinking of you all Melly moo, and praying that you are given the strength to get you and Mr Melly moo through this. xxxxxx

MiL might just slip away when there is no-one there - my dear OH waited until after I had sent our DD away for some sleep, and before our DS arrived, until we were alone, before he left us. xxx

mellymoo74

Had 3 hours. Knackered. OH is finally asleep do o leave him or get him up so we can get straight over?

wannabe_sybil

Melly - there is no right answer. Personally I would go earlier (perhaps not now, but morning) and then judge it, go for a walk etc if you need a quick breather. No matter what happens your OH is likely to find it hell and lash out at you. You are safe, you see, and you are probably the only person he can trust in this.

My mother waited until she was alone to go, though we had all been to see her that day. It's not unknown, though I'm going on anecdote more than evidence, it's like when they are alone they feel they have permission to leave and don't hang on for their loved ones.

Regardless, you need to pace yourself as I think there will be a concentrated storm until the funeral and then the sustained grief over your MIL's home. If I were you I would ry and take supplements, esp B vitamins, and just hang on.

Sending hugs and prayers.

mellymoo74

Dad too. He'd been in the state my MIL is for the two weeks since his birthday. Very very few lucid periods mcmillan persuaded me to have respite took him in on the Fri he died about 11.30pm on the Sat. He'd been alert and chatty during the day.