talk me down please

mellymoo74

Had a talk to OH he says her behaviour yesterday makes him feel like a weight has been lifted he's not going back
He's going to speak to a cousin to find out when funeral is and we will go ourselves and keep to the back.

That is of course today who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Still gonna get councilling I think.

CRANKY40

For what it's worth I don't think it's MIL. I think it's Aunty whispering in her ear like an evil demon. MIL was ok with your OH
until her husband (and all sanity) left and Aunty was free to influence MIL completely.

Goodness only knows what she's been whispering to MIL all these years but you can hear it...."he's just like his father", "he's no good, just like his father". For some reason she is insanely jealous of MIL and after all these years, insane is currently where she is. What her hold is over MIL you will probably never find out, or why she wants to deprive MIL and SIL of normal healthy relationships but she does and she is managing it.

If I was your OH, I would remember the hug as his real mum managing to break through the wall of evil that Aunty has constructed around her over all these years. Somewhere in there his mum loves him but she doesn't have the strength of will (or body now) to fight off that evil voice telling her what to do.

Tell him not to play their game any more. His mum does love him and she always will. The best thing he can do is to put his head round the door, tell his mum that he loves her and not get any further involved in trying to do anything else because that pulls him into their nastiness. To deprive your MIL of her son in the last bit of her life Aunty must really hate her sister.

mellymoo74

Thanks Cranky. MIL has to take some responsibility for her actions.
OH was 6 when this started he's 43 now.
I agree that it's starts with Aunt tho. Keeping their brother away as well as OH would tie in with the hatred as you said

CRANKY40

You don't know what kind of hold Aunty has over MIL though. There's something there. If that was my sister so ill I would be encouraging her family to help not trying to keep them away. Something here is very odd and it goes back a long time. It seems to me that the whole family are victims of this aunty not just you and your OH. She either has something she can blackmail MIL with or she's just plain nuts and has convinced MIL over the years that the situation is as Aunty sees it which is a jealous, twisted perspective. She's fed her venom into MIL over the years until MIL believes what she's been told. Some people are like that. It took my ex-BIL 10 years to convince my sister that she was fat, worthless, stupid, lazy.....and then luckily he left before he did any more damage. Even though she's with a decent bloke now, 14 years later she still doubts herself and her abilities.

Mojisola

CRANKY40 wrote: »

It seems to me that the whole family are victims of this aunty not just you and your OH.

Some people are like this - when those around them let them get away with it.

The aunt in the this thread and Wiggy's mother are two of a kind -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4805353

Wiggy made the break for the sake of her own well-being and her son but her mother is still controlling the rest of the family.

Unless melly's OH's relatives stand up to the aunt, they will be controlled by her for their whole lives.

CRANKY40

It's hard to make the break though. My aunty is controlled by her husband who doesn't help with the finances and isn't even that nice to her. The people under the thumb are so indoctrinated that its hard to get out. It was about 6 months after my sister's husband left her for another woman that she started seeing what he'd done to her with his "you're stupid", "you can't make that decision", "I'm not giving you any money for the children's clothes" kind of comments. They don't just comment though, they keep at it and chip away at your belief in yourself until it's all gone.

Mojisola

CRANKY40 wrote: »

It's hard to make the break though. My aunty is controlled by her husband who doesn't help with the finances and isn't even that nice to her. The people under the thumb are so indoctrinated that its hard to get out. It was about 6 months after my sister's husband left her for another woman that she started seeing what he'd done to her with his "you're stupid", "you can't make that decision", "I'm not giving you any money for the children's clothes" kind of comments. They don't just comment though, they keep at it and chip away at your belief in yourself until it's all gone.

It's incredibly difficult.

And the longer it's been going on, the harder it is because that kind of control does eat away at your self-esteem and makes you mistrust your own judgment.

meritaten

totally agree with the above melly - BUT - MIL is his mother and the hug and the fact she WONT totally break off relations with him, tells me that deep down she DOES love him. her head has been controlled by others - but in her heart she loves him. that's why there is no will (because they would ensure he was left out), why she offered him a 'keepsake' (which had already been taken by them) and why she wanted a hug. (at least they couldn't stop that!)

You could blame her for being a weak person who has been influenced when she shouldn't have been - by nasty psychotic people with an agenda. that would be true.
But, you can also have a small measure of sympathy for her - these people were close to her and loved by her and she TRUSTED them. its a sad situation - Mostly for mellys OH!

mellymoo74

I'm just angry with her I think Meri cos I see OH really want his mum and her do this to him every time.

They haven't been in touch and OH is still keeping clear.

We had a row earlier because he's upset (sorted now) I can't force him to go and I'm in two minds part of me thinks she's got what she's deserves being left with the family she chose and part of me doesn't want her to suffer.

My priority is OH.

CRANKY40

He needs to realise that it's not his fault though and she's been brainwashed. Some people are just more susceptible to the will of others. That's why some people join cults and others don't. It would take more time than MIL has to unravel the damage done by the Aunt if that was even possible in the first place. Nothing he could have said or done would have made a difference, that's the crucial bit. It's not his fault.