talk me down please

purpleshoes_2

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Thanks sybil and thorsoak I think the fact she was nice the visit before is what made yesterday so bad for him.

What ever he does will cause pain. Not sure whether I should encourage the visits now? I needto get him some additional support that much is clear.

Left up to me wouldn't look back no visits, no contact, no funeral.

I think its obviously much deeper than that as you know yourself. The nice nasty, nice and nasty stuff has been going on all of his life. What your OH needs right now and for the future isn't longterm niceness from his family, because that clearly won't happen. It's an understanding that the problems are with them and not him and ways of unlearning the stuff that he's been told over the years, that it's his fault and also ways of rebuilding the damage that's been done to his self esteem.

They have far too much of a toxic negative impact on your day to day lives as it is.

mellymoo74

No, because the hug and actively wanting him was new not the usual pattern. Hence additional pain.

He seems ok with not visiting so I'm leaving it I think, can't bring myself to suggest he goes round for more of the same.

Until the cancer diagnosis they barely impacted on me at all. Huuuuge periods of exclusion so didn't need to find a polite way of dealing with the disfunctional scum.

mellymoo74

Right, Monday going docs with or without OH. Need to get more support lined up and if he chooses to go to the funeral he's going to need to be medicated to ensure he doesn't lose it.

gettingtheresometime

purpleshoes wrote: »

I think a funeral is important, no matter how horrible the circumstances leading up have been, closure in some way, if he doesn't go to the funeral, he'll no doubt be made to feel bad and he would also probably regret it very much.

I have to admit I've been wondering whether to mention the funeral as far as I can see it, it would be the last chance for the family to stick the knife in (can you really see Melly's OH wanting to keep in touch afterwards)?

Personally, if I were in Melly's shoes I'd be suggesting that OH seeks closure whilst his mother was still alive and then sod the funeral - last thing I would want for my OH is to have his nose rubbed in it publically - after all it hardly sounds as if he's going to get a look in as far as arrangements are concerned (though it did cross my mind that once MIL had died you wouldn't see their heels for dust and OH be left with the expense of the funeral)

purpleshoes_2

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I have to admit I've been wondering whether to mention the funeral as far as I can see it, it would be the last chance for the family to stick the knife in (can you really see Melly's OH wanting to keep in touch afterwards)?

Personally, if I were in Melly's shoes I'd be suggesting that OH seeks closure whilst his mother was still alive and then sod the funeral - last thing I would want for my OH is to have his nose rubbed in it publically - after all it hardly sounds as if he's going to get a look in as far as arrangements are concerned (though it did cross my mind that once MIL had died you wouldn't see their heels for dust and OH be left with the expense of the funeral)

I understand that, but going from the posts the OP has posted I do think that if he doesn't go, he will bitterly regret it later on.

Sometimes you need to do the right thing even in the wrong circumstances.

gettingtheresometime

purpleshoes wrote: »

I understand that, but going from the posts the OP has posted I do think that if he doesn't go, he will bitterly regret it later on.

Sometimes you need to do the right thing even in the wrong circumstances.

I know what you mean about regretting not going to the funeral and only Melly's OH (and Melly) can make that decision

I guess it depends on the family's actions afterwards and when is all said and done he doesn't have to make a decision until literally the last minute

mellymoo74

Gettingtheresometime your right he won't be involved I also doubt they will even tell him she's dead.

Either they tell him goad and goad with a view to making him look the bad guy to wider family or.
Don't tell him and say to wider family see he didn't give a !!!! anyway neither will offer closure I think, both are going to screw him up

And your right OH has already decided the word he will be passing on is they need to cross the street when they see him coming after. So nope no contact from us.

mellymoo74

I am looking for the path that will cause the least damage.

OH not gone or called today he's still upset about yesterday not going to suggest to him he goes.

If I'm honest I hope they don't tell him and he doesn't make himself go they won't be able to resist doing something to screw him up further.

SIL never got over having a brother.

purpleshoes_2

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Gettingtheresometime your right he won't be involved I also doubt they will even tell him she's dead.

Either they tell him goad and goad with a view to making him look the bad guy to wider family or.
Don't tell him and say to wider family see he didn't give a !!!! anyway neither will offer closure I think, both are going to screw him up

And your right OH has already decided the word he will be passing on is they need to cross the street when they see him coming after. So nope no contact from us.

Well maybe if that is how you feel you cut contact and stick to it

However, they have a hold over him

The length of this thread would bear that out.

Its hard to know what the least damage will be

mellymoo74

I have

This is for me to vent so I can offer OH support whatever he decides to do