talk me down please

mellymoo74

CRANKY40 wrote: »

He needs to realise that it's not his fault though and she's been brainwashed. Some people are just more susceptible to the will of others. That's why some people join cults and others don't. It would take more time than MIL has to unravel the damage done by the Aunt if that was even possible in the first place. Nothing he could have said or done would have made a difference, that's the crucial bit. It's not his fault.

That's the problem. Until me he believed it was his fault, he still reverts to thinking it's his fault and certain phrases (nasty piece of work being one) set him off.
I am not sure how far I will get with the docs on my own but I'm going tomorrow anyway if only to pave the way.

mellymoo74

There are certain things he'd been taught that I am still unteaching
For example accidents if OH spilt something, dropped something etc he was told he was 'a nasty piece of work and a wrong 'un because he must have done it on purpose.
I am clumsy so as my dad always said I can trip over a chalk line. OH now understands I can't help it, didn't do it for spite but because it gad been drummed into him from him being small he used to genuinely believe that it was on purpose.

CRANKY40

it's strange that FIL seems to have had the measure of the Aunt. I wonder if she wanted him for herself and he turned her down. It would go a long way to explaining why she has been so awful to MIL and your OH. Your OH has also been got at but via your MiL. It's hard to see it when it's an every day thing in your life. My mum called me fat and useless when I was 14 to 16. I used to wonder why she hated me. She's been dead a long time and it was her life she hated really, not me. She didn't have the princess lifestyle she thought she deserved. There's usually an outside factor.

mellymoo74

Aunts husband died young. FIL had sussed her long before that happened tho.

That costume jewellery OH wanted is one of the pieces that found its way back to the MIL while she was in hospital so he has it now.

mellymoo74

Well OH still hasn't gone, he hadn't called either. He's been short tempered but a bit more at peace.
I think his current acceptance of his mother's behaviour and the fact she's not going to become a nice mum seems to be helping.

Let's see how long it lasts

wannabe_sybil

I've no advice, but sending hugs.

tbh, I think he is doing the right thing, as long as he can get support.

mellymoo74

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

I've no advice, but sending hugs.

tbh, I think he is doing the right thing, as long as he can get support.

Thanks wannabe, just need to keep the guilts at bay I think.
If he can understand this was her choice and not his that will help.

meritaten

He shouldn't feel guilty melly - this is way beyond HIS control. all he can do, is all that he HAS done. he has gone above and beyond what most people would have done in the same circumstances.
I cant help feeling that deep down she DOES love him - but is so under the influence of Aunty and SIL she is afraid to show it.
But - he cannot undo the influence of years of (as another poster aptly put it) 'brainwashing'.
I cant decide if I pity her or despise her - but I do know I despise a woman who keeps her sisters family away from her when she needs them, and only allows the 'favoured few' access. now that is absolutely despicable (as well as 'stealing' her treasured possessions).

mellymoo74

meritaten wrote: »

He shouldn't feel guilty melly - this is way beyond HIS control. all he can do, is all that he HAS done. he has gone above and beyond what most people would have done in the same circumstances.
I cant help feeling that deep down she DOES love him - but is so under the influence of Aunty and SIL she is afraid to show it.
But - he cannot undo the influence of years of (as another poster aptly put it) 'brainwashing'.
I cant decide if I pity her or despise her - but I do know I despise a woman who keeps her sisters family away from her when she needs them, and only allows the 'favoured few' access. now that is absolutely despicable (as well as 'stealing' her treasured possessions).

3 withheld number, no message left phone calls. In really quick succession (landline and mobile).
Think the games have started again.
OH asked if he should call, I have told him he should whatever he feels most comfortable doing.

mellymoo74

And using distraction techniques (moving g old sofa ready for new one tomorrow) he has manged to not call.
Downside his back is completely screwed oh well lesser of two evils.