Tired of being the chauffeur

DFlights

Okay, update on the wedding situation; we are only going to one wedding, and we are taking the bus. Just had a text conversation with OH (he's away for this weekend with son) and simply said that I was so tired of driving, could we please do something about that? He replied about bussing it and I agreed, as I know there's a National Express station in the nearest town and hopefully it won't be too dear.

I do resent the times he's away a lot - he works alternate weekends, and now that it's Easter of course he wants to spend time with his son, that's only fair and right, but . . . . .

Last weekend he was at a national wargaming competition all weekend, this weekend he's taken his son to a big military vehicles show, and next weekend he's working again. And the weekend before the wargaming event he was working. He has actually been somewhat sheepish about not spending time with me, I think he knows I get angry but it's like if we want to do anything together, muggins here has to drive (local public transport is an utter shambles and really very pricey). And it is grinding me down that for so many weekends in a row, we haven't spent any decent time together. I don't resent his son at all, they need to spend time together, it's just that this summer is so busy with other people's events/activities, we're not having any time to ourselves.

barbarawright

sulphate wrote: »

I agree.

I work in a village 15 miles away from home, there is no public transport so I have to drive to get to work, but I'm lucky in that I can car share with a colleague.

I know a few people who don't drive (fair enough) and preach about the value of using public transport instead, but most of them live in the middle of a city with great transport links, and can't understand why so many others are "so dependent" on a car. The same people are normally very happy to hitch lifts with others for long journeys, but wouldn't think of offering petrol money.

This is exactly why people who don't drive, tend not to choose to live in the country. Nobody is forced to live in the middle of nowhere though I've seen a lot of posts from people on these boards whose debt problems can be partly blamed on their decision to have a lifestyle which requires a car (sometimes two).

borkid

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

It would you could cycle or get a motorbike or moped.

Couldn't cycle that distantce with my arthritis, I used to cycle a lot but the pain set in. I would not feel safe carrying things on a motorbike or moped ( cat baskets/ guitar in hardcase, wood/ plants, moving speakers etc for the charity work we do, taking my daughter to doctor/ dentist/ shop when she is too ill to drive) . In fact I don't feel safe on a motorbike at all but that is due to my brother having a very serious accident when I was younger.

You seem to have convinced yourself that everyone, regardless of their situation, can live a fulfilling life without a car. In parts of the country this is not possible, they can manage but their choices will be limited. I have lived without a car when my children were small but that was in a town with good public transport. We walked and when I only had one child to transort I cycled with her/him in a bike seat that was no problem.

Brighton_belle

FBaby wrote: »

Driving is useful as you say, reading is essential, swimming life saving. I can't see how these could be compared.

Non of them are essential to day to day survival. They all have different degrees of usefulness in different circumstances. Being able to swim, alas, frequently doesn't save those who accidently fall into water and is why water sport participants use life jackets.
I am very grateful to have all 3 life skills.

Brighton_belle

Dflights - really pleased you and OH have communicated and he has heard your fatigue levels and you have compromised by agreeing to go by bus.
I think further discussion between you sometime would be useful, so you can express (in anon accusatory way) how his family leave you feeling re expectations: and perhaps you need to find ways to be united in your stand against such expectations.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

If you can't swim and fall accidently in water, you are likely to die. If you need to go to hospital but don't drive, you call an ambulance (which you should do anyway if it is a life of death situation as they will get you there much quicker), so I can't see how driving can be considered as important as swimming.

I think swimming is pretty important. I thin every one should learn.

Sadly, ATM I don't get much opportunity to swim. I do get lots of opportunity to go to hospitals , in cars. There is no route to any of the hospitals I attend by public transport directly, and I have been taken both by ambulances and with me driving and with other people driving more times than I can count. This very much keeps me alive!

In fact, one of the things that's really interesting when you look at surrendering your licence is routine appts. My local hospital run an ok scheme for attending eye clinic but aiui even if you are an eye clinic patient you cannot use this service for appointments with other clinics/appts at that hospital. When I was last taken in an ambulance I was not driving ( vision problems) and they asked if I could drive and I explained why I couldn't drive and that my GP had said if the exact circumstances that had arisen happened I was to call 999 and call for an ambulance. I was ok and happy to make my way home alone in the morning, ( a journey that would cost I am guessing £50 -60or so in a taxi ) I was planning to get taxi to train, train to closer station and taxi home however very kindly one of my parents had come to collect me when DH had told them I'd had to go in.


I am absolutely positive I will cope ok in most circumstances with out my car mon to fri. I don"to use it too much anyway, and it will just be more organised. I am equally sure I will be annoyed and in some circumstances it will leave me in difficulty and I will have to rely on others for some things, such as when things go wrong.

Access to your own independent means of transport can be invaluable in such circumstances.

Janepig

DFlights wrote: »

Okay, update on the wedding situation; we are only going to one wedding, and we are taking the bus. Just had a text conversation with OH (he's away for this weekend with son) and simply said that I was so tired of driving, could we please do something about that? He replied about bussing it and I agreed, as I know there's a National Express station in the nearest town and hopefully it won't be too dear.

I do resent the times he's away a lot - he works alternate weekends, and now that it's Easter of course he wants to spend time with his son, that's only fair and right, but . . . . .

Last weekend he was at a national wargaming competition all weekend, this weekend he's taken his son to a big military vehicles show, and next weekend he's working again. And the weekend before the wargaming event he was working. He has actually been somewhat sheepish about not spending time with me, I think he knows I get angry but it's like if we want to do anything together, muggins here has to drive (local public transport is an utter shambles and really very pricey). And it is grinding me down that for so many weekends in a row, we haven't spent any decent time together. I don't resent his son at all, they need to spend time together, it's just that this summer is so busy with other people's events/activities, we're not having any time to ourselves.

I enjoy driving and I'm happy to drive us all around (I can take or leave drinking alcohol too, which helps), so I suppose I'm coming from a different point of view, but I can't imagine wanting to get a bus to a wedding venue a fair distance away when I could drive there. I couldn't think of anything worse. DD was recently in a competition four hours (by car) away from where we live and we were staying from Friday to Sunday - her team had a coach going up but I decided to drive, less likelihood of DD being travel sick, also we could stop when and where we wanted and we weren't having to wait around for other people.

I also often give lifts to some of the other girls in her team to and from training (who live locally). I'm taking DD anyway so I don't see the problem with helping out some of the other girls, even if I do wonder where their parents are sometimes! Yes petrol is pricey but for me it's worth it for the convenience. DH also drives and has his own car to get back and forth to work (although he uses a park and ride service from about half way which is free with his job). However anywhere we go altogether outside of work time I usually drive, through choice.

My brother doesn't drive (he's in his mid-40's), he learned but never passed his test. His girlfriend does all the driving for them, and he also has lifts from my dad, but he gets public transport to and from work. I've not heard his girlfriend complain about the driving and it's obviously not caused him too much hassle or he'd have tried his test again.

Jx

jetplane

DFlights wrote: »

I don't know what to do about the weddings. I've already said that I can't make both and his parents will be going there anyway, so I might see if I can arrange for them to pick us up and give them some petrol money, but then again I don't really want to go to either wedding anyway but probably should show my face. Then there's another big family event in August that I don't want to go to but because I drive, I think his whole family just assume I'll take him to any events and don't consider that I might not want to drive, that will most likely build up resentment from them as I'll probably get the blame for not taking him wherever he needs to be. I don't think that my feelings count for much in their ideas, not that they'r not lovely, but a bit thoughtless. I think their logic would go that, because we have a perfectly good car, why on earth would I not drive him? But then again his dad drives everywhere and his mum doesn't drive at all if she can help it, even though she has a licence, so I think that they're projecting their own situation onto ours.

DFlights wrote: »

Okay, update on the wedding situation; we are only going to one wedding, and we are taking the bus. Just had a text conversation with OH (he's away for this weekend with son) and simply said that I was so tired of driving, could we please do something about that? He replied about bussing it and I agreed, as I know there's a National Express station in the nearest town and hopefully it won't be too dear.

I do resent the times he's away a lot - he works alternate weekends, and now that it's Easter of course he wants to spend time with his son, that's only fair and right, but . . . . .

Last weekend he was at a national wargaming competition all weekend, this weekend he's taken his son to a big military vehicles show, and next weekend he's working again. And the weekend before the wargaming event he was working. He has actually been somewhat sheepish about not spending time with me, I think he knows I get angry but it's like if we want to do anything together, muggins here has to drive (local public transport is an utter shambles and really very pricey). And it is grinding me down that for so many weekends in a row, we haven't spent any decent time together. I don't resent his son at all, they need to spend time together, it's just that this summer is so busy with other people's events/activities, we're not having any time to ourselves.

I think maybe the crux of your problem is the assumption and feeling taken for granted? After being away for four days I would be longing to stay at home and spend time with my husband. To have four weekends in a row where he has other plans is not ideal but then to presume you will join him and drive him to two weddings is, perhaps, pushing his luck. If he works alternate weekends and it feels as though your free weekends are being overtaken by other events then no wonder you feel resentful. Good news on the wedding arrangements though

dandelionclock30

He sounds very boring, and hes not really putting much effort into your relationship, whilst you are expected to be his chaffeur.
Have you thought about ditching him and getting someone elce preferably who can drive and who wants to spend time with you?

CH27

I don't think the issue is him not driving it's your whole relationship.