Tired of being the chauffeur

jetplane

FBaby wrote: »

Learning to read is compulsory at school and I believe swimming lessons are at most schools too. Driving lessons is not yet something colleges are expected to provide.

The offer is there but unfortunately there are too many who leave school unable to read or swim I don't see the relevance as many skills are learnt outside of school.

borkid

Janepig wrote: »

I would have said that those all seem to be pretty low numbers of hours before passing really, although I think for teenagers learning to drive it's somewhat easier - I can't imagine someone in their mid 40's, who has been cajoled by a moaning partner into learning to drive, passing their test after 12 hours of lessons, including revising for and passing the theory test and the longer practical test now.

DH passed his driving test at 17 after a short number of lessons and of course no theory test in those days. I took my first test at 21 after a week of intensive lessons, failed, sat again a month letter, failed, then gave up for about six years as I couldn't face it again. DH then arranged more lessons and sprung it on me when I couldn't get out of doing it, by this time I also had to do a theory test and I also passed the practical test third time. I had to force myself to drive as I didn't enjoy it, but over the years and through more practice I now love driving and as I mentioned before, I do the bulk of the family driving and I'll drive anywhere.

I couldn't imagine seeing a family member who can't drive having to use a taxi or public transport when I'd be perfectly able to give them a lift, especially if the only thing preventing me from doing so was my fear of being taken for granted!!

Jx

Jane pig OH was in his mid 20s when he passed and pre theory test but that wouldn't have been a problem as they all have good memories and very used to studying. I think the most important thing was their road awareness and that came from cycling, talking 50+ miles a day for OH when on holiday. It was just the 100+ hours that surprised me. They all learnt and passed in outer London as well as did I. I learnt when living with my parents and failed the test then, my father insisted on helping to teach me and he had never passed a driving test but ofcourse he knew it all. Then took the test again in my 20s and passed first time.

Janepig

borkid wrote: »

Jane pig OH was in his mid 20s when he passed and pre theory test but that wouldn't have been a problem as they all have good memories and very used to studying. I think the most important thing was their road awareness and that came from cycling, talking 50+ miles a day for OH when on holiday. It was just the 100+ hours that surprised me. They all learnt and passed in outer London as well as did I. I learnt when living with my parents and failed the test then, my father insisted on helping to teach me and he had never passed a driving test but ofcourse he knew it all. Then took the test again in my 20s and passed first time.

Second time I learned I also went out alot with DH in his car, I almost took over all of the driving really, with him supervising obviously, which all helps towards having less "official" lessons. I wonder if that happens so much now because of the costs of having young provisional drivers insured to drive your car and tougher rules about who can accompany a learner. I dread to think how much it will cost when DD and DS learn to drive, thankfully DD's best friend's father is a fantastic driving instructor!

Jx

Gloomendoom

Janepig wrote: »

Second time I learned I also went out alot with DH in his car, I almost took over all of the driving really, with him supervising obviously, which all helps towards having less "official" lessons. I wonder if that happens so much now because of the costs of having young provisional drivers insured to drive your car and tougher rules about who can accompany a learner. I dread to think how much it will cost when DD and DS learn to drive, thankfully DD's best friend's father is a fantastic driving instructor!

Jx

Adding a young learner driver to your insurance isn't that expensive. The real shock comes when they pass the test and want to be insured to take the car out on their own.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

DFlights wrote: »

OH doesn't contribute tot he car. I pay my own insurance and road tax, MOT and any maintenance/repairs. The only contribution for the car from our joint finances is the occasional tank of petrol. And I'm quite aware of the costs of learning to drive and insurance, it took me a very long time to learn as I had a terrible first instructor and all I want is not for my ability to drive to be taken for granted or for others to assume I'll be okay to just ferry people about everywhere. And a bit of quality time with the OH where I'm not playing second fiddle to outside interests (son is a different matter entirely).

Okay, I always see it as paying anything into the household enables the other person to have their hobby/car/whatever. You don't, fair enough.

If he learns to drive, isn't it possible that he'll take himself off to places without you? After all, he won't need to ask you anymore, he can just up and go. And it would be easier to spend longer away as he wouldn't be restricted to train services and your plans.


Unfortunately, I don't think this is all about driving. You're working away, quite dismissive/cross about his cleaning/lack of, you're unhappy about driving places together, unhappy about driving to help him, unhappy that you aren't the be all and end all in his life after his son - the 'second fiddle' comment says this.


Try looking at it another way. I'm sure you'll tell me it's wrong - but maybe something in there rings a bell or two?


He moved to suit you. He then got a job within walking distance (which is great, I can heartily recommend it). You're not too pleased because you had hoped you'd be able to compel him to pass his test. You work away. So he has to entertain himself, or sit on the sofa bewailing your absence. He lives as a single person much of the time. Perhaps when you're back, you comment about cleaning fairies just that bit too much. If he suggests going out, maybe he gets a 'oh, right, well, that's just great - I'll just get in the car and drive again' - or a heavy sigh. Either gives the same effect.

So he makes plans to do something whilst you get a chance to rest, clean, whatever it is. All that's needed is a cab to the station for a fiver or about £1.20 worth of driving. If he gets a cab, you complain about the cost. If you give him a lift, you complain about the cost and the fact he's doing it in the first place. When he gets back, you complain about the fact he went out.

Seems like there's no way he can do anything right.

If I were in that situation, I might find myself thinking 'how many days until they go back to work?' and finding stuff to do to take me out of it for all but a couple of hours either end of being told off, sighed at or otherwise made to feel like an incompetent ten year old.

fredtheguava

DFlights wrote: »

as is the constantly being away.

Apologies if this has already been covered... But, might he feel the same with you working away? It seems you both moved for YOUR job, but then you're not actually in the home with him for half of the week. He might be resenting this just as much as you're resenting him for not driving.

DFlights

I've only been working away from home for four months, not that long really.
As for the "second fiddle" comment - nothing to do with his son at all, it's to with everything else taking priority over spending time with me, yet expecting me to be available as a driver whenever he feels the need to get somewhere.
And he did move with me, but the move was discussed at length, as were the implications - I didn't just up and make us move and we tried very hard to find an affordable place within a larger town, but we couldn't afford it and he actually suggested taking on the house we're in now due to its cheap rent, knowing the location and having viewed it, so he's as much responsible for our precise location right now as I am.
As for the cooking and cleaning - he's a grown man, I expect him to contribute equally to the household tasks and yes, I do get narked when they don't get done, but I'd be annoyed whether I was living at home during the week or not if they weren't being done.

CH27

DFlights wrote: »

I've only been working away from home for four months, not that long really.
As for the "second fiddle" comment - nothing to do with his son at all, it's to with everything else taking priority over spending time with me, yet expecting me to be available as a driver whenever he feels the need to get somewhere.
And he did move with me, but the move was discussed at length, as were the implications - I didn't just up and make us move and we tried very hard to find an affordable place within a larger town, but we couldn't afford it and he actually suggested taking on the house we're in now due to its cheap rent, knowing the location and having viewed it, so he's as much responsible for our precise location right now as I am.
As for the cooking and cleaning - he's a grown man, I expect him to contribute equally to the household tasks and yes, I do get narked when they don't get done, but I'd be annoyed whether I was living at home during the week or not if they weren't being done.

Instead of thinking about what is wrong with your relationship have a think about what is good.
If the good outweighs the bad then work out how to address the bad.
If the bad outweighs the good then is it worth carrying on.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

DFlights wrote: »

I've only been working away from home for four months, not that long really.
As for the "second fiddle" comment - nothing to do with his son at all, it's to with everything else taking priority over spending time with me, yet expecting me to be available as a driver whenever he feels the need to get somewhere.
And he did move with me, but the move was discussed at length, as were the implications - I didn't just up and make us move and we tried very hard to find an affordable place within a larger town, but we couldn't afford it and he actually suggested taking on the house we're in now due to its cheap rent, knowing the location and having viewed it, so he's as much responsible for our precise location right now as I am.
As for the cooking and cleaning - he's a grown man, I expect him to contribute equally to the household tasks and yes, I do get narked when they don't get done, but I'd be annoyed whether I was living at home during the week or not if they weren't being done.

I didn't include the time with his son. As you already said, that's not a problem.


Everybody is entitled to do things without their partner. Including weekends - after all, what's the point of working if you can't enjoy yourself sometimes?

Shows are at weekends. If they're his interests, then surely he's entitled to go to them?

He has most the week to rattle around the house on his own.

And if it's only been 16 weeks, well - why are you feeling resentful, but he can't be feeling similarly about things? If, as a rough estimate, he's worked 4 of them (in a new job, so isn't really in a position to object), say, 4 with his son, 2 on moving, 4 on hobbies, that still leaves a couple free. Like the ones for seeing family that you're not happy about.

Life gets in the way sometimes. And if a relationship is strong, you get through it, especially if each person respects the other enough to encourage their interests.

And yes, that means sometimes smiling and saying 'have a lovely time' or ignoring the pile of washing up on the draining board, dust bunnies and unmade bed. Even if you wish that you had a bit more of their time.

He'll appreciate that a lot more than you realise. After all, who wants to be in a situation where they feel restricted in what they can do on their time off? Or criticised?


I'm not picking on you, I know it can be hard when somebody else is almost always busy just when you've actually got some free time. But it's also hard if you feel like somebody isn't around for most of the time and then, when they are around, they're tetchy and make you feel guilty about having a life outside the house.

You don't want to become a grumpy mother figure, you don't want to become the person who drags down his mood or the person whose imminent return makes his heart sink because he's come to associate you with being told off, nagged or restricted. Because then he'll start to avoid you, which will cause more friction, and before you know it, things have degenerated so much that you're in real trouble.

**professor~yaffle**

Abbafan1972 wrote: »

I am replying as the non-driver in the family and my DH does.

When he's at work in the week and I need to go out, I go on the bus. If I need to take the kids anywhere, I generally go on the bus, only if it's a family day out we will go in the car. I don't rely on DH to drive me everywhere, so it's not an issue.

I think this also teaches kids that you don't HAVE to have a car and there are alternatives to being driven around everywhere!