Tired of being the chauffeur

DFlights

Currently I am feeling really annoyed with life! Well, to be specific, annoyed with the OH and his inability to drive.

I do understand how difficult driving is, and how expensive learning now is, but I feel that my partner, at the age of forty, should at least be doing something about this as it affects us both, and mostly negatively.

I learned when I was 26, and it took me five times to pass my test, so I can fully appreciate that not everyone takes to it and that you have to be ready to face it. But I'm also sick to death of being the chauffeur. And why do I do it? Well, because I'm a fool and don't want to face the consequences of him not being able to pick up his son from the train station when he visits, or not being able to take said son back (we live in a rural village, no buses to the main town whatsoever on a Sunday and ropey service at every other time).

He spends a small fortune in getting his son here as the ex won't hear of contributing to train fares and I refuse to drive the distance now as it simply costs too much and I work away from home during the week, so don't really want to spend holiday weeks/weekends driving 200-odd miles each way to pick up and drop off his son, when I don't think the other parent would reciprocate by offering to drive alternate times.

And now there's a wedding situation; two of his cousins are getting married, both a long drive away from us, (midlands to Surrey) and only a week apart. In August, when everyone from my new job has already booked time off. Now, I do have a four day week (long working days) but I've already stated that I can only drive to one wedding, as that will be a stressful enough weekend and now I really don't even want to do that but if I don't drive, OH will have to spend a fortune getting there and back, probably more than the petrol will cost. And if he can't make either wedding, he'll be upset as he's quite close to his cousins, and I'll probably be seen as being unreasonable (even though I hate weddings and large social gatherings).

Ideally, I'd love to put my foot down and say "tough, not driving you anywhere" but that seems unreasonable. Although I pay out of my own pocket for everything for the car, I do occasionally get petrol money from our joint account (more frequently now that I work away during the week). I no longer feel like an equal partner, but if I stopped driving him everywhere, he really would spend every spare penny getting around by our rubbish local transport system or just sit around the house of an evening/weekend, not going anywhere. And although he wouldn't grumble, I'd know he'd be upset.

And I really, really don't want to go to either wedding, but can't refuse both - I just don't want to spend my weekends driving long distances!

We may also be moving in a few months due to my new job, but as we're looking at moving to a large town, I still don't see him learning to drive as he'd have better public transport links.

I'm honestly sick of driving him around and have refused trips in the past, but I guess I'm just feeling resentful that I'm the one doing these long trips when something like these weddings comes up and I don't get to enjoy myself or have a drink because I'm going to be the mug driving us back, plus it's incredibly tiring.

Apart from absolutely rfusing to do any driving, how can I get across that it's about time he started to learn? If he was at least attending driving lessons, I'd feel better, but although he says that he's saving for them, nothing's happened yet.

savingmummy

Print this out and read it to him?

Tell him how it is.
I don`t drive, have no intention to learn and wouldn't even if I could afford too.
I walk and use public transport and if I can`t get somewhere due to distance then I don`t go - so I miss out.
My DH probably feels like you tbh BUT I always ask in advance and if he says no then its no!

barbarawright

I don't drive either but it wouldn't occur to me to live in the middle of nowhere. What sort of discussions did you have when you moved there?

CH27

Why did you chose to live in a rural location?
Did you OH move away from his son?

Georgiegirl256

If he doesn't want to learn then he doesn't have to. You can't make someone do something that they perhaps don't want to do/don't have the confidence to do. However, it isn't fair for him to expect you to drive him everywhere, and should arrange alternative transport for long distances such as the weddings.

TheEffect

I don't drive either (am not allowed due to health reasons), but I wouldn't expect my partner to be my chauffeur (I'm single). I use public transport (joys of living in London), get a taxi, and on the rare occasion ask friends or family (very rare, and I pay for their petrol).

We live in a country that has one of the best public transport systems; Get your OH to start using it.

in_need_of_direction

I to was fed up with a similar situation and eventually oh gave in and passed his test (on fifth attempt). Since then he has driven four times and one of those was to get me from a hospital 80 miles away post surgery. There's no point them learning if they then won't drive.

Hermia

As someone who has been used as a taxi service before I know how the resentment adds up. I agree with the person who suggested you print your post out and show it to him. You might need to be very direct with him. IME non-drivers often don't realise how tiring driving can be and how the thought of a long drive home at night can be a dampener on an evening. My ex used to say, "but you're just sitting there, how can it be tiring"...

DFlights

We moved to get closer to where I used to work, ironically enough, so it is probably my fault, but our discussion was that he would learn to drive eventually to enable him to have better mobility and prospects. Then he got a job within easy walking distance and it all petered out. I also know that I'm enabling him to be a non-driver because I do feel guilty about us living in a small village. But enough's enough now. We've lived in this village for five years, although we may move again, and I'm just starting to feel that it's about time he made some sort of effort.

DFlights

And no, I didn't move him away from his son. His ex moved many, many miles after they broke up to be with her family.

barbarawright

He may feel he's the one who has made the effort by moving to where you wanted to be even though he was going to be isolated by your decision to live somewhere with no public transport.