Deroragatory comments from ex-husband

K9sandFelines

CH27 wrote: »

They will soon start voting with their feet & refusing to go.

They are already not wanting to go, but last time one of them voiced this; it was down to me not encouraging them to want to see their Dad.Nothing is ever his fault!!

Mojisola

K9sandFelines wrote: »

It know doubt is, as nobody likes hearing the parent that predominantly cares for them done down.

Are they old enough to say "I don't like it when you say things like that about Mum"?

My eldest does try and ignore him, but then he'll keep on for an answer and say lack of one is them being moody/sultry.

Can your eldest turn it round and ask a question instead of replying - "What would you like us to be wearing?", or similar.

They unfortunately can't ignore the fact that they are going to be taken out shopping next week for suitable clothing!!!!

Get them to look on this as a good thing - they're getting some new clothes. Let them suggest that they keep those clothes at his house - that way you won't be washing and ironing his choice of clothes and he can't complain about your laundry skills.

As CH27 says - he may not realise it but he's damaging his relationship with the children. When old enough, they will decide that they don't want to spend time with him.

CH27

K9sandFelines wrote: »

They are already not wanting to go, but last time one of them voiced this; it was down to me not encouraging them to want to see their Dad.Nothing is ever his fault!!

When he complains just say to him it's your own behaviour that is driving them away from you.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I was always sweetness and light when clothes were bought for DD2 on those grounds. 'Oh, thank you, it's lovely she can have special clothes when she's with you'. I was a bit irritated that, for her greatnan's funeral, where I'd bought her a brand new little top with subtle colour on a background of black, a black cardigan and black trousers (she was five, it was the darkest stuff I could find that made her still look like a little girl), she'd been subjected to similar 'trampy' comments and put into an age nine shirtwaister because 'that's what people wear to funerals'. But that was again wanting to feel some control at a time when they didn't have any at all.

DD2 now complains that they 'dressed me like a chav. When they weren't trying to make me look like I was a tart'. She's into punk clothing now. He doesn't like it, but accepts it's her choice at 14 to wear jeans that she's bleached or cut holes into, rather than wear the miniskirts, low cut tops and girly shoes they thought were normal for girls to wear. (In their area, it was. Wearing jeans was a bad thing for girls)


Mind you, I do remember that my eldest generally looked like she'd fallen into the reduced to clear bin of a charity shop when she stayed at her father's. Constant sniping about how her stuff stank of cigarette smoke (which would have been hard when I had given up when pregnant and nobody else smoked). I was a little sad to see photos of her looking so scruffy, because I worked hard to make sure she had nice things, as I was the trampy kid at school - and the other kids made sure I knew it every day.


It's more about wanting to have a say and influence over them. Possibly with a background of knowing how awful other people can be about kids' clothing. Better than no interest at all, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

BitterAndTwisted

He's an @rse. You know it and your children do too.

Instead of expending mental energy on being annoyed with him I suggest you arm your children with the confidence they need to disagree with him or disregard him completely. They probably know already that their father's comments and those of his wife are made to undermine you in front of your children and if they don't, it's time to let them now this.

If he wasn't able to use their clothing as a weapon he'd settle on something else.

marisco_2

iammumtoone wrote: »

You hit the nail on the head, if it wasn't the clothes it would be something else. Its not really about clothes its just a way of getting at you and trying to exert some control!

All the while the only thing his attitude and approach toward the children will be achieving is to break down any positive relationship they share with him. His mind games will come back to bite him soon enough. Easier said than done but rise above any of his passive aggressive behaviour. You are raising your kids well and doing your absolute best for them OP.

DUTR

marisco wrote: »

All the while the only thing his attitude and approach toward the children will be achieving is to break down any positive relationship they share with him. His mind games will come back to bite him soon enough. Easier said than done but rise above any of his passive aggressive behaviour. You are raising your kids well and doing your absolute best for them OP.

This^^^^ in bold, sadly a lot of threads I read appear to me between the lines of how the female should manage their male whether he is a current or ex partner. In the case of the OP, I feel she shouldn't rise to the bait and engage the art of fighting without fighting.

trailingspouse

Well, if he's taking them shopping for clothes, send them with a shopping list. No point in him wasting his money on things they don't need, so make the most of it.

Do they need new clothes for summer? Trainers? Sports equipment? School uniform? Slippers? Wellies? Socks, knickers, tights, bras, make-up (sorry, you don't say if your kids are male or female). New school bags. I'm sure you can think of more.

Get the kids involved in deciding what they need.

Then hand over the list (don't forget to thank him profusely) and I doubt he'll be in a hurry to do it again.

dogcat_2

:cool:Sounds just like my ex-husband.

themull1

I think we've all got the same ex husband! Mine will say i pay you enough maintenance, get the kids some new things, what he doesn't realise is, everything goes on school bus fares, lunches, phones, uniforms etc, i do my best. They've just come back from his telling me he's bought them two pairs of shoes each, no doubt to keep at his.