Deroragatory comments from ex-husband

K9sandFelines

I have been divorced from ex husband now for about eight years and we have two children together, a tween and a teen. He is remarried with two children,one his own and one not biological that he has brought up from a baby (same age as youngest). I am on my own, no other children.

Throughout the years he has constantly criticised how the kids are being brought up and what they wear; and recently it has started up again every time they go and visit him. Yesterday, was a casing point where he phoned up after about three weeks of hearing it from my kids, and asked "what's going on with the kids clothes?". In my eyes there is nothing wrong with the way they dress, but apparently it was said yesterday (to the eldest, not me) that they wouldn't put what my youngest had on in their dogs bed and that she was turning up the past few visits looking trampy . This hurts me a lot as I am always striving to do my best by my kids, they are clean, healthy and generally happy until these type of comments start being made. My eldest said that they like the clothes they had on and it just falls on deaf ears. My youngest keeps being compared to the sibling the same age and step-mum saying she wants them to be on a par with each other, and even asked my eldest to comment if they were both dressed equally whilst they were playing out; my eldest replied they looked like any normal kids their age. I am so fed up of this now, so are my kids; but what can Ido. Nobody else has ever criticised they way my kids are dressed. My family just say to ignore him; but how can i when its constant. He even gave my youngest money for a birthday present to buy clothes with and is taking them to the shops, as I haven't been able to find anything that fits/they like.
He is very intimidating and has an answer to everything, cares only about how the kids look and not about their feelings, its so demoralising. Has anybody got any advice or solutions to handle this situation?

couponqueen123

hey hunny ,if your kids dont care then try brush it off, if all hes got to say are the "clothes are scruffy" then let him have his noris cole moment

he clearly has nothing bad to say about your parenting and is imo just trying to show you he is still around

next time eaither say back to him if you think what yr wearing is not scruffy then mirror cleanner is 99p in asda

or just say buy the kids clothes for your house and then you dont have to see them in what i buy

wapow

Its his way of showing he still has control over you. He is trying to make you look weak, especially infront of your kids. They'll stop respecting you if you show to them you're affected or allow his actions (buying new clothes) to stick.
I cant say what kind of legal help is available, but there must be something you can do legally.


However, you need to show some backbone now. He rings you up, tell him to go away and hang up. You don't need to listen to him. If he wants to speak to you, ask him to write you a letter instead and that is how you will respond to him. Show him you have some control and don't have to put up with his antics. He starts to bad mouth about you to your kids about the clothes? Let him buy new clothes then burn them.
This is also not good for your kids confidence. You should be able to use that in your legal aid.

claire21

Tell him to buy them a wardrobe of clothes for them to keep at his house so they can change, cheeky sod.

K9sandFelines

couponqueen123 wrote: »

hey hunny ,if your kids dont care then try brush it off, if all hes got to say are the "clothes are scruffy" then let him have his noris cole moment

he clearly has nothing bad to say about your parenting and is imo just trying to show you he is still around

next time eaither say back to him if you think what yr wearing is not scruffy then mirror cleanner is 99p in asda

or just say buy the kids clothes for your house and then you dont have to see them in what i buy

Thanks for your reply CQ.I did think of that, but then they'd obviously have to go to his in something . I think as well, because he pays CSA and i get WTC he obviously thinks that's enough to buy two lots of uniform, school shoes, coats, everyday clothes and general stuff ... all the time!!!! When in effect youngest alone has gone through three pairs of school shoes this year, and not cheap ones either. I think he is very deluded. The kids like their clothes, but it is upsetting them constantly being put down. Him and his wife go on about confidence and dressing nicely when you are going out somewhere; but they are gradually chipping away at that.

iammumtoone

I feel for you. I have the exact same situation here. I got moaned at (in front of ds) the other day as DS was wearing shoes that weren't clarks! (he always has clarks school shoes but these were just playing out ones - I can't afford clarks for everything )

My reply was if you want him to wear clarks buy him some yourself to which he answered I give you money every month, he has no right to say what I spend that money on, in fact it helps with the mortgage it helps to ensure his son has a roof over his head there is none spare for expensive shoes :mad:

Your children sound like well rounded individuals if they are not bothered just try to ignore him. I have been know to tell my ex if he has a problem with how I am bring up ds to go through the proper channels and inform social services (funny enough he has never done that they would tell him off for wasting their time and he knows it!)

theoretica

Maybe you want to think about arming your kids and developing their confidence in this area by having a chat with them about fashion obsessions contrasted to classic clothing choices and the environmental consequences of buying lots of short lived clothes.

K9sandFelines

wapow wrote: »

Its his way of showing he still has control over you. He is trying to make you look weak, especially infront of your kids. They'll stop respecting you if you show to them you're affected or allow his actions (buying new clothes) to stick.
I cant say what kind of legal help is available, but there must be something you can do legally.


However, you need to show some backbone now. He rings you up, tell him to go away and hang up. You don't need to listen to him. If he wants to speak to you, ask him to write you a letter instead and that is how you will respond to him. Show him you have some control and don't have to put up with his antics. He starts to bad mouth about you to your kids about the clothes? Let him buy new clothes then burn them.
This is also not good for your kids confidence. You should be able to use that in your legal aid.

He initially phoned up to say they were due home in about an hour,to which I said okay; then proceeded to ask about the clothes. He was nice on the phone, but then behind my back obviously the kids are getting the Spanish inquisition about what they have got on. I think tthat's the problem all along, Ishould have stood up to him, but the job he has means he exerts control over everybody not just me. Shame he doesn't stand up to his wife instead of reiterating and joining in with her comments. I agree my kids confidence is getting chipped away at, although they are saying it's because of the clothes they are in and they can't see that they are sapping it away !!

K9sandFelines

claire21 wrote: »

Tell him to buy them a wardrobe of clothes for them to keep at his house so they can change, cheeky sod.

I would, but would then he would expect that to come out of the CSA he gives me most probably!

iammumtoone

K9sandFelines wrote: »

I would, but would then he would expect that to come out of the CSA he gives me most probably!

But he gets reduction in CAS payments as he has them a certain number of nights throughout the year the reduction is suppose to cover things like this! However I pack my ds off with clothes and I do think it is fairly common to do so.

laurel7172

Take a deep breath.

Then raise a nice mug of tea to the fact you're no longer married to this man.

He is a bully, pure and simple, and your children are of an age to notice.

A couple of years ago, my children's father demanded that the children be "properly dressed" to visit their grandfather following their grandmother's death (as if I needed telling!).

So, DD wore a smart black dress, and DS his first ever non-school shirt and tie.

The bully who sired them and his new wife not only did the visit in JEANS, but spent the whole day telling the children how scruffy they were and how they were letting them down!

Simply rise above it. He's a jerk, and if it wasn't this it would be something else.