Deroragatory comments from ex-husband

justme111

Op, try to see it in a humorous way . Try to see where is he coming from as well - resident parents and nonresident parents have different set of frustrations , not having a say or control over one's kids must be painful enough for bring out not the best of your ex's character.

rach_k

I'd just send them in their school uniforms, or perhaps find some really scruffy muddy dungarees

duchy

K9sandFelines wrote: »

They already know about this. We don't care for brands and shop anywhere; in contrast to their Dad and his wife!!

So long as the kids understand this you'll be fine. My ex would buy our son designer label jeans with a price tag that would have fed the two of us for a fortnight and moan I was buying him chain store clothes (He loved his labels even when we were together and I never saw the point so it wasn't a change and would have been an issue even had we stayed together). I just took the attitude that Daddy sometimes has different ideas Mummy and in the big picture it isn't important....as I regarded it as a control game......and it was a game I chose not to play. My son is now 22 and still doesn't give a stuff for labels ...... and lost interest in his Dad when he started to play control games with him over seeing him.

Useful phrases like "I'll bear it in mind" and then go on doing what your doing is the best way to handle this with him on the phone ....followed by "Oh someone's at the door got to go-Bye". As the kids get older they may or may not become more label conscious and if they do they'll know which parent is likely to be talked into paying stupid money for a label

You can't change your ex's behaviour - but you can control how you react to it.

duchy

embob74 wrote: »

I'm sorry to say but if you get CSA and WTC then I also think that's enough to buy the clothes they need. Are you saying you can't afford to buy the clothes they need and that your ex does in fact have a point?
Please don't think I excuse his behaviour. My ex used to buy the kids clothes which had to stay at their house for when they visited at the weekend. That seemed to me a bit of a passive-aggressive way of saying they didn't think the clothes I sent the kids in were any good and it was a complete waste of money as they got very little wear out of the clothes at dads house. But it did mean he never said anything to me about the clothes I bought and I didn't have to worry about what clothes they had to take to their dads.
I never got any maintenance and still managed to buy all they needed btw.

If you were daft enough not to insist on child support for your children (maintainance is something else entirely) from a man who had enough money to buy kids clothes but chose not to contribute as legally obligated to -to their living expenses then that really is a very different situation to the OP's . She's asking for advice on how to stop him undermining her- not how to encourage him to do so !

(Not sure what WTC has to do with any of this tho ? You DO know WTC is paid to adults whether parents or not if it is income appropriate ?)

butterflylady

As a pwc and a nrpp I see both sides of this, when I first split up with my ex I used to send my 2 with clothes but half of them never came back and I cldnt afford to keep replacing them, so I stopped sending anything apart from what they are in, next he started sending them back with the clothes trashed marks and god knows what that wldnt come out!! He excelled himself when he let my 3 year old DD trash 2 brand new pairs of Clark's shoes in a row £60 gone!! So now they go in there scruffiest clothes, which still aren't that scruffy and I have to buy 2 cheap pairs of shoes for them to go in, affording those cheap shoes is a struggle when added to the shoes they need for school/nursery plus sports.

On the other hand my step son whose 3 turns up in clothes which are normally aged 5-6 and are tatty as anything, his mother also has an interesting habit of sending him in tights in the winter!! Luckily we have my eldests old clothes which he goes into as soon as he arrives.

embob74

duchy wrote: »

If you were daft enough not to insist on child support for your children (maintainance is something else entirely) from a man who had enough money to buy kids clothes but chose not to contribute as legally obligated to -to their living expenses then that really is a very different situation to the OP's . She's asking for advice on how to stop him undermining her- not how to encourage him to do so !
(Not sure what WTC has to do with any of this tho ? You DO know WTC is paid to adults whether parents or not if it is income appropriate ?)

Um where did I say I agreed with the ex undermining OP? I merely commented on OP's statement that she received CSA, WTC and child benefit and did not think that was sufficient to clothe her children. Which, in my situation, was more than adequate.
As for me being daft....you would have to give that title to the CSA as they are the ones who deemed to award a nil contribution from my ex. So in fact no legal obligation there at all.
I also think WTC isworth mentioning as it can actually be a considerable sum. Particularly if you have care of children, maybe not so much if you don't.

embob74

butterflylady wrote: »

On the other hand my step son whose 3 turns up in clothes which are normally aged 5-6 and are tatty as anything, his mother also has an interesting habit of sending him in tights in the winter!!

Is this so odd? I do the same to my boy sometimes as the jeans which are easy to pull up and down for the toilet tend to be more lightweight and therefore not very warm in winter.
I know many farmers who have been known to wear tights in winter too (for practical reasons).

honeypop

butterflylady wrote: »

his mother also has an interesting habit of sending him in tights in the winter!!

Not that strange actually, I know lots of people who do/have done this with little boys.

BigAunty

sacha28 wrote: »

You would think wouldn't you?! Not so with my OH's ex, the first weekend his dd came to stay she arrived in just the clothes on her back, not even a pair of spare knickers and no warning or discussion. We went out and bought new clothes, some of which she went home in but they never returned. The next weekend was exactly the same. She now lives 400 miles away and is sent down for a week at a time in just the clothes she's wearing. We have had to buy everything from knickers to shoes.

That's reminiscent of the battles between my parents, their grandchild and his mother. My parents would have my nephew stay every weekend when he would arrive in worn, ill-fitting and dirty clothing. Every replacement set that they bought, they never ever saw again so they stopped sending him back in his new clothes and he was returned in whatever grubby clothes he was sent in.

My brother is one of those immature types that resented having to pay cash towards his kid. He kept arguing that he ought to just be able to buy things directly for the kid so the mother couldn't spend it on herself. And okay, so it was back in around 1995 or something, but even allowing for inflation, he was handing over a paltry £50 a month. He made his £12 a week contribution sound like he was handing over gold bullion that was squandered on wild living.

K9sandFelines

CH27 wrote: »

When he complains just say to him it's your own behaviour that is driving them away from you.

He deems everything he does as acceptable. Obviously he will realise it is to the contrary at some point. If they are even to voice their opinion, they are deemed as being cheeky; unless specifically asked a question.