Am I being pathetic?

wapow

Principia wrote: »

That sounds a bit sneaky to me - if I wanted to know something then I'd ask my husband. If he didn't want to tell me then that's his prerogative.

It is absolutely sneaky. It's just that you haven't offered up a reason he may have given you in those 25 years as to why he doesn't want to buy you a ring unless he said he doesn't believe in it or something and I failed to read it in which case fair enough time to move on.

shell_girl

My other half did buy me a card when I had our son. I had a difficult birth and complications afterwards and he got me a 'love you Mam' card and signed it from our baby. In it our baby thanked me for giving birth to him and apologised for giving me such a tough time, and said he would be a good boy in future! It was funny, touching and (until then) totally out of character for my other half. If I hadn't had a card I wouldn't ever have thought about it, the cups of tea and the housework were the things I was most grateful for!

stardoman

wapow wrote: »

It is absolutely sneaky. It's just that you haven't offered up a reason he may have given you in those 25 years as to why he doesn't want to buy you a ring unless he said he doesn't believe in it or something and I failed to read it in which case fair enough time to move on.

He just says he doesn't believe in it. I won't buy one for myself because this wouldn't feel right. Its not a huge thing though. But if he ever did buy me one I'd be over the moon.

SmlSave

I get annoyed/upset at my DH all the time as he rarely thinks about buying cards, presents, flowers for me on occasions - not that he remember occasions anyway!

When pregnant with DS I told DH that I expected an eternity ring, I repeated it often before and after the birth. Out of all my friends I am the only one who actually has an eternity ring even if I picked it myself and basically ordered DH to pay.

Now I tell him what I expect from him and even had to tell him to go to the shop the day before mothers day with a list of shopping which included flowers and a mothers day card!

I'd much rather have him think of me and these things by himself but basically I've given up!

fairydiamond

Oh for goodness sake, you've just given birth to a beautiful, healthy precious baby... and you want a card!?

Seriously? Do you know how lucky you are??

I would give up every card, present, birthday and Christmas to be as lucky as you. I'm sorry but why does a card mean so much? Its just a piece of paper... cuddle your baby and forget about the card.

pelirocco

wapow wrote: »

The only thing that has kept us together is that I found out I was pregnant around this time. I have now given birth to our baby. He hasn't made much of an effort to make things up to me

I hate so say this but in my experience the most testing time for a relationship is having (and raising ) children, it takes lot of work and can bring relationships to the edge. Some people walk away , others tough it out . You can't make people into something they aren't , getting upset over a Lack of a card is pretty silly but would guess it's the easiest way to express that you arent happy .?

mandragora_2

I'm not a 'cards/flowers/expected gestures' sort of a person, so I don't want soppy birthday cards; Valentine's day is something I look at with bemused detachment and the thought of us sending each other Christmas cards with 'To my darling husband/wife' written on them would astonish me. I'd far rather have happy memories of good times spent together, and things around us that we like.

For a long time now my husband has said he wants to get me an eternity ring, and I've thanked him politely for the gesture, but declined. He wants to spend a four figure amount :eek: and, to be honest, I'd far, far rather spend the money on a nice holiday, so we get the pleasure of being away for a week and have something nice to look back on.

I already have a wedding ring (£30, 30 years ago); my engagement ring is a nice enough replacement for one that got lost (I took it off to make dough, Himself was 'being helpful' wiped down the kitchen worktop, and we think the ring got swept into the bin and away into landfill before we realised). Because its design means it gets grubby quite quickly, as often as not it's in my jewellery box as it is on my finger. Another ring to wear - and worry about - wouldn't do anything for me. He, though, would still like to buy one, and has tried a couple of times to persuade me. I'm unmoved, and really simply don't want one, so that's where it's left for the moment.

However, when both our children were born I got things that really mattered to me - time, care, space to myself when I wanted it, and enough cups of tea to float a battleship. I had bunches of flowers and cards from all and sundry except him, and we didn't need any more, and certainly not from him. If your OH has been brought up in a household where his mum is anything like me, I can see him being utterly perplexed by your expectations.

There are so many more important things you need to be doing for and with each other than this, especially right now. I wish all of you all the best for the next weeks, months and years - enjoy being a family together, and work together to make it as good as it can be, and you'll reap the rewards long after any card has been consigned to the rubbish bin, or even a folder in the back of a drawer.

74jax

Principia wrote: »

Just being nosey but is there any reason you can't buy yourself an eternity ring?

I ask purely because if I loved jewellery and my OH was not inclined to indulge me then I would buy a lovely piece for myself (in celebration of each and every child I had )

That's what I was thinking too.

We will have been married one year in June and hubby knows I'd like an eternity ring - no kids for us, and it was a case of should I buy myself one, and he said no he would . Job done.

CH27

I don't see the point of buying your own eternity ring.
The whole point is for the ring to be given to signal your eternal relationship together.
Otherwise it's just another piece of jewellery.

merlot123

mrcow wrote: »

All of these things are completely normal. You make it sound like it's a bad thing!

You do sound like you need some attention from him though. Can you book yourselves an evening out for dinner? Or do something else special (that doesn't involve nappies or baby feeding!).

I have been with my OH for 19 years (and three children) now and have given up expecting him to live up to expectations in my head. He is thoughtful in his own way (and on so many levels is more caring and thoughtful than anyone else I know). But he never takes me out or does any of the traditionally "romantic" gestures off his own bat. (His idea of a good Christmas gift for me one year was a new toaster - he got an ear-bashing for that one!).

Sometimes, you just need to spell it out. Sometimes, if you want flowers, you need to just get them yourself. If you want to go out on a date, book it and tell him you want him to make an effort so jeans and t-shirt are out. If you want a card, tell him. If you want a particular gift, either buy it or write it down so he doesn't get it wrong.

Otherwise, you'll just go through life feeling resentment and being permanently disappointed.

Excellent post.

My husband wished me Happy Birthday by text on Friday, my birthday was Wednesday!! He said he'd just remembered.

Am I upset? No, if I wanted a card or a gift, I'd have bought it myself, my husband bought me a toaster one Christmas and a mesh tray for oven chips the following year! He's no flipping idea, I thought 18 years ago when I married him, it would be chocolates and roses along the way, but reality sets in and it's more smelly socks and him having selected hearing when I'm talking to him....I wouldn't change it though.

You need to tell him what you expect or lower your expectations.