Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

moneymoron1

I wasn't going to reply to this thread but feel I have to now.

From reading the thread I don't believe he has a drinking problem but he definitely has a gambling problem.

This is where the issue starts, these types of situations lead to a focus on sorting out the obvious, which is the debt. I can promise you that you can do anything to pay this debt off but if you don't fix the problem it will come back.

I am experienced in this type of situation and what you need to do is get him to self exclude himself from the betting shops, this can be done by going in and requesting to be self excluded for a fixed amount of time. I would say permanently.

The bookmaker cannot then legally allow him on the machines.

He needs help, I would go as far as suggesting he just lets the payments carry on for the time being paying the minimum payments but get him to a gambling councillor. The biggest challenge you have got is getting him to accept he has a gambling problem, which he hasn't accepted at the minute.

Address the gambling problem first and then the finances second. It is a good idea to transfer all the bills over to you but also to manage his finances as well.

He needs to spend more time at home and less money on comfort foods.

Address the car urgently, he needs that to ensure he keeps his job.

I would suggest changing your type of conversation with him to centre around the gambling, he will most likely break down when he opens up but it will help.

Brenny

moneymoron1 wrote: »

This is where the issue starts, these types of situations lead to a focus on sorting out the obvious, which is the debt. I can promise you that you can do anything to pay this debt off but if you don't fix the problem it will come back.

Totally agree.

financialdisease

Haycorns wow what a touching post! Thank you I do need a reminder about the dla forms I had shoved it to the back of my mind again! The kids are going out with mil tomorrow so I can take it its half done.

Moneymoron1 you are right about the gambling issue not being addressed, I had no idea the self restricting thing existed I will broach it tomorrow but don't expect a positive response.

The car issue is almost sorted he has applied for and been accepted for a car lease the details should be finalised on Monday and he will have the car within a few weeks.

Hopefully tomorrow's call with step change will be positive and informative.
He seriously does need to spend more time at home but just doesn't seem to be able or willing to if i was in his position would be begging for forgiveness and flying home from work to make dinner.

moneymoron1

You won't get a positive response but at least you will have raised it and in the coming weeks he will realise.

He may not be spending much time at home because he is chasing that big win that will make all this go away, he is also likely to be depressed and ashamed and is being defensive.

I'm not excusing him for this at all because he's an idiot for putting so much at risk, but if you fix the root cause you will resolve the problems, the debt is easily sorted really.

It is called self exclusion, and is used a lot, although with a gambling addict I wouldn't believe he had done it unless you saw him.

One last thing, his problem is gambling and that needs you to talk face to face, mixing compassion and anger/disappointment. The texts won't be helping.

He's possibly at rock bottom and needs some tough love

Westie983

FD, hope you get some shut eye tonight, and rest enough so you can face things again tomorrow. Great news on step change calling back it's a step in the right direction.

satchmo1

I hope you tell MIL what the problems are, and that her darling son is endangering his family both emotionally and financially.


I wouldn't leave that to your OH, as he won't paint an accurate picture (he hasn't with you, has he).


Tough love needed indeed.

in_need_of_direction

He may not be out and about increasing debt. He may just want to hide from the problem by not being home. He does seem particularly good at not facing up to things. Fingers crossed for the phone call. Btw, what are you doing when child free? You should do whatever allows you to let off steam while you can.

financialdisease

I was thinking I would meet a friend go hill walking but then felt slight panic about leaving him *unsupervised* :eek:

in_need_of_direction

Since you can't keep him in the house, he can choose to be unsupervised. Go recharge those batteries. Btw, can you swing by mine and pick up the hyperactive dog who loves the hills?

Brenny

financialdisease wrote: »

I was thinking I would meet a friend go hill walking but then felt slight panic about leaving him *unsupervised* :eek:

You can't be watching him all the time. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost, if only for the sake of your children. So I think you should go and enjoy yourself and take yourself away from the stress.

He will never face up to his responsibilities if he thinks you will do everything "hard" for him.