Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

financialdisease

eyeopener2 wrote: »

Errrrrrrrr, knowing what I know about stepchange they will not make nay moral judgements on you asking him to move out.

Yes, the DAS May be rejected (anything is possible) but it's unlikely once it's up and running. I may be doing him a disservice here, but I don't believe a word.

One thing is odd to me though, well lots of things really, but can you answer me this....

If he has given over a budget to stepchange, that must include share of mortgage, utilities, phones, childcare, child expenses, clothes etc, why do they think it will cost him more if he moves out? It won't necessarily be the case. That is why I find stepchange being moral guardians of your relationship a bit of a porkie.

I never believed it for a minute he did include child care and school dinners on his budget! I made him remove his supposed share of the mortgage and home insurance because I pay them there was lots of adjustments were made to allow for a car all of it was done using their guidance he just agreed. On his first call he said he was surprised that they never asked what the debt had come from I wasn't surprised because I know they are there to help not to jude I don't think I am being unreasonable at all:A

Kate_fixing_it

I've been following this thread for a while and I think you are coping amazingly. However, the statement that you are being unreasonable is utter BS! I think the fact that he's practically lied to SC about the child care and school dinners coming from his income show he's not facing up to this. I want to bang his head into a wall so goodness knows how you feel. To be brutally honest I think he's just going through the motions to keep you happy and something is telling me this will go nowhere positive. Every single person here committed to clearing debts cuts back the most they can. We all have things we can't face giving up but I've never seen anyone (in my 6 months of daily reading) try to push the blame on to someone else if they are 100% set on solving the problem. It's as if he thinks some miraculous solution will solve everything if he can just hang on long enough. It won't, he has to accept the situation and work hard to solve it.

I think you are fabulously strong and you really don't deserve this infantile behaviour. He needs to realise this and I hope he's still reading this post and rapidly wakes up to himself and sees what a fool he is being.

Kate x

troublesparking

The more I read the more I'm angry. I am now worried that even if he eventually decides to stop going into the local bookies either with a self barring or even by you going in and telling them to bar him, once he gets the car he will have a myriad of places at his disposal. In addition to that he will have to be extremely careful about drinking and driving. Given his current apparent lack of dangly bits this could be an issue. I speak from bitter experience on this one which I why I have not driven for over 15 years. I could just not trust myself. Why will he not let you accompany him to these interviews? Because he knows you will tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. (I was going to add the clinking glasses smiley, but seemed rather inappropriate given my thoughts so here's a big grin)

Brenny

Sorry you didn't manage to get out yesterday, maybe another opportunity today?

troublesparking

financialdisease wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply Troublesparking its nice to read others positive outcomes its hard to imagine one at a time like this.

Any outcome will be positive. Either he will fess up and do something, or he will p**s off and leave you and the kids to enjoy the clearer atmosphere which has surely been bad for much longer than the past few weeks. May be the diagnosis of your child has hit him harder than he's letting on. That must be playing on his mind. My OH doesn't put his heart on his sleeve but I know the signs. By no way am I giving him excuses but if you are not talking freely then there has been a lot going on that has not been discussed. He is just saying 'whatever' to everything you say.
What a mess!!

financialdisease

Brenny wrote: »

Sorry you didn't manage to get out yesterday, maybe another opportunity today?

Thank you

I am on my way to a one off my favourite places just now.

dancingfairy

Hi, in your position I would make sure you fully understand your options if he decides to go bankrupt and what you can do to protect your house and your familys security. Do not get any more accounts linked with him. I understand he thinks he can sign the house over to you but this may well be seen as deprivation of assets and I believe the OR can overturn things like this and it may well land him in hot water if he is being seen to deceive his creditors. Also I believe the starting point would be that you both own 50:50 in regards to the house, I know you have stated that you have paid the mortgage from your accounts for x number of years but do not know if this will be enough to prove any equity in the house is yours and not his. If the OR believe your Oh is entitled to equity I think you could have a fight on your hands. The bankruptcy forum on here could probably help you if it comes to it.
Also I would want my partner to support me and my family. Given he has wracked up a lot of debt I would expect him to bend over backwards to try and fix things. It is entirely reasonable for you to lay down conditions such as spend one night a week playing with the children, spend one night a week coming home from work on time and not going to the pub, and to put a plan in place for dealing with the debts and stick to it. He has a lot of work to do rebuild the trust he has destroyed. I am concerned though by his comments that it's your fault he's wracked up the debts, to blackmailing your child asking how they would feel if he left, to saying StepChange are saying you are being unreasonable. :mad: It sounds like he is loosing his grip and not wanting to face up to reality. I think you are well within your rights to ask him to move out until he has sorted himself out.
Do not fall for any of the emotional blackmail rubbish. Stay strong. The stupid thing is, as you know that this could all be sorted out if he gets a grip and knuckles down
df

Brenny

'The stupid thing is, as you know that this could all be sorted out if he gets a grip and knuckles down '

Which is why the most important thing is to find out whether this is all down to a gambing addiction (IMO).

Morglin

financialdisease wrote: »

StepChange have agreed that a DAS is his best option going on their calculations he should be paying back £353 for just over 8 years.

All coming through him, the debt advisor can't believe how unreasonable I am being by asking him to move out and he will have to go through the whole budgeting process again when he finds some where to live that time they might reject it! !!! Passing the buck back to if I make him go he is going to self destruct. I called hus bluff said find let him go BR I will find somewhere for the girls and I too live with no problems.

I think perhaps you should pause for a few days, and just take a deep breath.

When you started this thread, you posted that your marriage was happy, you and your hubby loved the kids, and they loved you - the only issue was the debt he had stupidly incurred (and I don't blame you for being angry).

You were both quite happy about being independent of each other, before all this.

From that one debt issue, you appear to be thinking about ending your marriage.

I really would talk to some professional about the debt and then someone close, who knows you in REAL life, about any emotional fallout.

Your hubby has been stupid, but then most humans are, on occasion.

Your kids obviously love their dad, you say you love him, so is any debt (which can be sorted, with the right help) worth busting it up for?

Although £100 a week is a silly amount for him to be wasting, it doesn't necessarily indicate any addiction - with beer at about £4 a pint, and the cost of gambling, over 7 days, it doesn't sound like a compulsion! But, IF it is, then he can get help.

Nothing to do with me, but random strangers, on the net, are not really the answer to a problem, as they don't know the either of you, or the WHOLE scenario, - talk, with those that know and love you, and think it through clearly.

Ending a marriage (and I ended one after 32 years) is a huge step, and really, really needs thinking through, especially when young kids are involved, as you are supposed to be a married team, and there is not much debt that cannot be sorted out, with the right help.

Oh, and get the DLA form back, but bear in mind the whole thing is in chaos, with PIP claims, at the moment, and it may be many months before you get a decision on it.

Best wishes.

Lin

quidsy

He has spent more than 100 a week to get 40k+ in debt though so there probably is addiction there