Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

dktreesea

FD, I can't see the incentive for him to leave the family home. Why would he? He needs somewhere to live. He certainly, with his fairly expensive choices of pleasures, i.e. drinking and gambling, wouldn't want to be in a position where his surplus funds are being taken up by accommodation costs.

You can't control his life. And it sounds to me like your attempts to get him to take better control of his own life are falling on deaf ears. I understand, with children to bring up, you wouldn't want to give up your house either, and why should you given this isn't your fault, however he tries to make you feel to the contrary.

However, does your OH realise that if he doesn't go to someone like Stepchange, and doesn't pay his debts, he could end up with his creditors getting a CCJ for repayment of the debt? Once they get to that stage, if he then can't comply with the CCJ, they could take a charging order against the property. That will affect you as well as him. They may not be able to force the sale of the house, whilever you have children under 18 living with you, but once they are in a position to do so, I can say from experience that sexually transmitted debt has a way of soaking up an awful lot of the equity in your home.

He is the way he is. I don't see him changing. Do you? Maybe you should consider putting the house on the market, just to make sure you get your share of the equity out?

Dozey_crow

dktreesea wrote: »

FD, I can't see the incentive for him to leave the family home. Why would he? He needs somewhere to live. He certainly, with his fairly expensive choices of pleasures, i.e. drinking and gambling, wouldn't want to be in a position where his surplus funds are being taken up by accommodation costs.

You can't control his life. And it sounds to me like your attempts to get him to take better control of his own life are falling on deaf ears. I understand, with children to bring up, you wouldn't want to give up your house either, and why should you given this isn't your fault, however he tries to make you feel to the contrary.

However, does your OH realise that if he doesn't go to someone like Stepchange, and doesn't pay his debts, he could end up with his creditors getting a CCJ for repayment of the debt? Once they get to that stage, if he then can't comply with the CCJ, they could take a charging order against the property. That will affect you as well as him. They may not be able to force the sale of the house, whilever you have children under 18 living with you, but once they are in a position to do so, I can say from experience that sexually transmitted debt has a way of soaking up an awful lot of the equity in your home.

He is the way he is. I don't see him changing. Do you? Maybe you should consider putting the house on the market, just to make sure you get your share of the equity out?

Excellent post but this bit did make me smile!

Westie983

I have been reading this post from the start, I am long term lurker of this site, but your thread FD made me subscribe and want to comment.

You are doing fabulous, you seem very strong and I admire that I'm you.

You have people on here wishing you well and interested in what's happening.
I wanted to post and say chin up and keep going, life isn't plain sailing and hurdles are put in our way to make us defeat them and thus making us stronger people...

financialdisease

Westie983 wrote: »

I have been reading this post from the start, I am long term lurker of this site, but your thread FD made me subscribe and want to comment.

You are doing fabulous, you seem very strong and I admire that I'm you.

You have people on here wishing you well and interested in what's happening.
I wanted to post and say chin up and keep going, life isn't plain sailing and hurdles are put in our way to make us defeat them and thus making us stronger people...

Thanks Westie that's so thoughtful ♥

Westie983

Without life's hurdles, things would be to easy, just think it's not how long it takes to climb life's mountain is the way you tackle the challenge, which way you choose may not be the quickest or the easiest but it's the final destination that's important , just focus on that final accomplishment, when you get there not the time it takes to get there, it's not the fastest one that wins the race, and someone else may take a different route to you up life's mountain but doesn't make that the best route for you,

Life is already planned for you but sometimes you need to make a wrong turning and have to go back to the start, but the wrong move makes you stronger then the person that went the easier no hurdle route to life.

Brenny

FD

Can I say that, over the course of this thread, I get the feeling that you have changed from a very strong, young lady, to one who is feeling very lost. Not surprising when you consider the shock that you have received.

Have you considered going to your doctor and asking for help? Or does your work have a helpline that you could phone confidentially? Maybe you can access a counsellor through these routes who could help clarify your thoughts.

I am currently doing a work based counselling course and it really does help to overcome some of my "challenges" to have someone who is sympathetic but trained to listen and help me recognise where I need to be.

financialdisease

Brenny wrote: »

FD

Can I say that, over the course of this thread, I get the feeling that you have changed from a very strong, young lady, to one who is feeling very lost. Not surprising when you consider the shock that you have received.

Have you considered going to your doctor and asking for help? Or does your work have a helpline that you could phone confidentially? Maybe you can access a counsellor through these routes who could help clarify your thoughts.

I am currently doing a work based counselling course and it really does help to overcome some of my "challenges" to have someone who is sympathetic but trained to listen and help me recognise where I need to be.

It was on my mind to get the employee helpline number but I forgot to look in work and google isn't providing it so that will have to wait until next week. I really don't feel like I am a priority for nhs counciling help.

You are right about me feeling lost now I can't do any more to help him *fix* it than I have I don't trust what he is saying but don't feel strong enough that making him leave is the right thing to do for now while we are both in very shaky positions. Please be sure even though I haven't put him out I am no where near allowing him to talk me round he knows its gone to far and all the sorrys in the world cant mend this, I look at him with disgusted and disappointment for what he has done i don't feel one bit of affection for him.

beanielou

Ask at your GP's~ they often offer someone to speak to but not through the NHS IYSWIM?

Brenny

I recently watched a presentation by my work based provider and I was surprised at the range of help they were able to provide. So think either route is likely to be very good.

haycorns

Just another reminder about the DLA. The date of your claim will usually be the date the form is received or the date you call the enquiry line (if you return the claim pack within 6 weeks). If your time has run out , you can request another one perhaps then they may start it from the date they sent the next form if you haven't got the energy to do it now.
I have an aspergers son who was diagnosed at 17.I put off filling in the form as it is quite daunting . I'm good with forms, but I knew it had to be right to stand the best chance of filling it in. Eventually I met someone from the local autistic society who helped steer me in the right direction.

Now this is the bit i really want you to take notice of. In my handbag I have a copy of a handwritten letter my son gave me a couple of months after he was awarded DLA. I keep it with me cos sometimes life isn't great and it reminds me I matter and that he is lovely really despite how it seems some days

" To Mum , I got you these presents a while back becasue i felt you deserved them. I couldn't decide when to give them to you so I thought it would be nice to surprise you I want to say thanks for filling out that form and It has made everything so much easier than it was before. Thanks you very very much loads of love Stuart"

DLA made a massive difference to the whole families quality of life. It doesn't take away the challenging behaviour, depression and all the other crap you get , but it made a real difference.

We keep the money in a separate account so we know it is always being spend to support the diability.

The present - some candles. He has the true MSE style as he couldn't help telling me how cheap he had got them in a John Lewis sale and how much they should have been! I was worth £20 , but it only cost him £5 to tell me that!

x