Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

Grand_Benders

Hi fd :hello:

I've just read this entire thread this evening. There's lots of really great advice on here so I won't clog it up by repeating any of it. I WAS going to remind you of the secured mortgage extension debt, but read on a few pages and you picked it up yourself

Just wanted to check in, another friendly face and sympathetic ear if you need to vent.

In the past, I've been in a (mentally) abusive relationship with a man, and it was only when I told one of our friends (at the time my closest friend, and I had very few because of the controlling nature of our relationship) and she was so supportive and understanding, that I realised that I needed to remove myself from the situation. I know you feel embarrassed by this situation, and so don't want to tell anyone in real life, but I think you'll be surprised by the reactions and support you will receive. I would urge you to speak to your friend sooner rather than later, as well as your mum. Be prepared for the 'we're not surprised' comments, but after that, you'll have a support network to keep you strong and help you through. Do not underestimate how much talking can help.

My partner and I are on a joint DMP, although our debts are pretty much down to unconscious frivolous spending rather than any sinister underlying reason. That, and the fact that both of us, for years, were too embarrassed to mention it to the other. We finally got talking about it, had our 'light bulb moment' gave our estimates of what we each thought we owed, and agreed to sort it out together and put everything into one pot and split the responsibility and work to resolve it together. We initially jointly believed we had about £30k of debt which made us feel a bit squeamish. When we contacted SC and started working through every single thing, it turned out we owed £56k :eek:

Thankfully, we were both in great jobs and could pay £800 a month towards it, although a year into it, ill health and a redundancy meant that we lost two thirds of our household income and our payments have gone down to just £70 a month. The important thing for us was, as soon as the DMP was set up and running for a couple of months, everything settled down and most of the stress disappeared. The fact that it could adapt to our changed circumstances, during what was already a difficult and stressful time, was a massive relief.

We got on with the business of living, knowing we were facing up to our frivolous past. It has taught us a very valuable lesson, about what we need in life to survive, to be accountable for our money and careful with it, and how to live frugally but sustainably. We got a lot of our guidance from a great blog run by a single mum of two boys called mortgagefreeinthree.

Anyway, this is all a bit rambling, but I wanted you to see that you have support online and in real life that you should use, you don't need to stay in that relationship, but if you do and can get past this initial cathartic period, then there is life after a DMP/DAS has been started.

It will get easier, no matter what route you take.

I send my hugs to you and will keep you in my thoughts.

ProudDad

Hi FD

It has taken me a few days to get through all the posts and get to the point of posting myself. I dont have much in the way of experience and some of the advice you have got on this thread is amazing. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope everything is sorted out soon for you and your daughters. Youre doing absolutely amazing.

One thing I can add is everything will be fine in the end and if it isnt fine it isnt the end.

Have a great day.

Christopher

eyeopener2

financialdisease wrote: »

He doesn't drink wine or spirits its always pints of lager he says he can make 1 pint last an hour with all the chat going on obviously I can't confirm that. He buys cans of lager with the food shop I dont see him drinking excessively at home. A few times he has had pint of cider instead but it makes him drunk and sick so he sticks to lager.

He isn't an alcoholic then, that is something we can discount, cos believe me, you would know.

So that's good, I'm pleased about that. The gambling is clearly an issue and general flittering away of cash.

ALIBOBSY

eyeopener2 wrote: »

Is he an alcoholic or just a habitual drinker?, cos there is a huge difference.

It looks habitual to me, finish, pub, longer in the pub than intended, drink more cos your mates are there (and they have no kids or wife at home), repeat tomorrow. I know loads of men, and some women to be honest, who do this.

Saturday might be watchingfootball all afternoon in the pub, home about 8, bottle of wine from the supermarket to appease 'the wife'. A few cans to finish off. Repeat Sunday then back at work Monday.

The gambling I know little about but I do know some lads who empty hundreds of pounds these things. I've witnessed pound, after pound drop into the slot and before you know it, £50 gone.

Doing both these things together is a recipe for disaster. Both are fixable, very fixable with the right help and support...and a great deal of self control, standing firm against peer pressure (which can be the worst part - just have one, she won't know).

Sadly its the people like this who are clearly drinking above recommended levels that DO have a drink issue, it is so easy to slip into a routine where the alcohol becomes part of your week, often stressed out people drink to help them sleep. If someone cannot go 7 full days without a drink and without even thinking too much about a drink then they are already at the very least borderline addicted to drink and certainly already damaging their organs and bodies. But I agree IF the OP's OH is really facing up to his demons then he can change. Trouble is the one thing you can guarantee with addicts is they lie and then lie and then lie again, until they finally face reality and admit they have a problem.

Having seen many cases of people in debt on tv and online (and been through our own issues a few years back), I've NEVER seen anyone underestimate their debt, often its around the mark (if they are being realistic) and mostly the real figure is much higher.

As OP says the credit files are her starting point and hopefully her OH now is facing up to the issues and has a realistic total to start clearing.

Good Luck OP

ali x

Brenny

FD. Just popping by to say that I hope everything is ok.

financialdisease

Thanks Brenny

nothing has changed just rolling along................. definitely in a limbo land now we have been pree distant not much to say to each other anything I say is usually !!!! dow as being on his case. He has his next call with SC on Saturday they asked him to have exact figures for a car so it can be included in his budget so *I* have been looking at figures for him (doormat, me?)

Gah lifes not a box of chocolates after all

in_need_of_direction

It is, you're just getting all the coffee creams at present.

hettiecarro

Hi FD
Glad you came on here - was wondering how things are.
What stance is OH taking now? Is he staying to sort this or is he leaving?
I think you need to be clear about what you want. If you want to save your marriage I think you need to be firm and lay some ground rules with him.
If he is determined not to address this, and you decide to say enough is enough, you need to move things forward.
It's so hard.
Whatever you decide to do, please keep posting for support here.:)


Hettie
x

hettiecarro

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

It is, you're just getting all the coffee creams at present.

I LOVE coffee creams!!!!!! :rotfl:

financialdisease

Glad you came on here - was wondering how things are.
Thank you ♥

What stance is OH taking now?
Still defensive

Is he staying to sort this or is he leaving?
Don't know, he is still saying if I let him stay he will sort it if I don't there's no point in life :mad:

I think you need to be clear about what you want.
I think I need a fortune teller or psychiatrist to get it from the bowels of my brain


If you want to save your marriage I think you need to be firm and lay some ground rules with him.
I am still at the I don't understand it phase tonight I said in reply to his comment above that I don't know ifi can recover the trust or shake I disgust I feel that I want to get this debt mountain sorted in the best way then focus on our future right now I don't know if it will be together or separately and he can't push me into making a decision before im ready.


If he is determined not to address this, and you decide to say enough is enough, you need to move things forward.
He is still on the couch


It's so hard.
Like solid rock


Whatever you decide to do, please keep posting for support here.:)
I am enjoying posting but did worry I was getting a bit over the top and boring every one


Hettie
x[/QUOTE]