Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

quidsy

Don't start overpaying yet. Fill out benefit calculator and once you know where you stand with that and how you look financially once bills etc are paid, THEN look at where you can overpay debts.

eyeopener2

I find this sad but it sometimes it comes to this. You have to reach absolute rock bottom before reality bites, and maybe, when he has moved out and he no longer has the emotional support from you then he will change. It's a difficult one to call but his ego is currently running his brain and he isn't thinking straight.

Actions have consequences and he is now facing the worst possible outcome, an outcome so easily avoidable that it makes me spit. This could have been sorted over a week ago, family kept together, a long time saying sorry and proving he was sorry and fixing the issues he has. Instead we have a family ripped apart and a man who will find life becomes very lonely when all you have is the bookies and the pub as your friend.

I hope he comes to his senses quickly, for his sake, otherwise ( and I've seen it happen) he's going to end up in a pretty dire place.

in_need_of_direction

Don't overpay on a debt in joint names until finances get sorted. Otherwise you are, in effect, subsidising your OH through your saving. Re the dla thing, if you are entitled to the care component as opposed to the mobility element, the option to get a mot ability car isn't there. Just for now, complete the application form and send it in. It may be a route to fund external support for your daughter if she struggles with the issues with her dad. As always though, don't try to do too much at once. You need to conserve your strength as separation, even where it seems obvious, isn't easy and takes a lot out of you.

Standingtall

Hi FD

I'm not sure if I should admit to this but I used emotional blackmail on my ex to get him to leave without a fuss. I told him the date on which he should leave (the day after boxing day - what a lovely Christmas that was ). I then stated I was taking dd out for the day and that if he did not leave during that day it would cause unknown stress and harm to her well being. I then made him sit with me whilst we explained to her that Daddy was going to leave as we were no longer happy as a couple but we were still her loving parents etc etc.

I think it was at that point that he realised how serious I was and that he would be a complete and utter **** if he delayed the inevitable any further.

Although we had broken up about his debts and potential gambling / deceit - he stil went on the run up thousands of pounds of further debts. He now has a further two children to a woman who does not give a damn about him, they live seperately and his home is a bedside in a very dodgy area. He spends very little time with our daughter and even less now we have moved to Scotland - she loves him but thinks he is weak and a loser. She is correct.

Our marriage was not great but it still took a lot of strength to end it. I am so glad though that I did. We still can be amicable with each other but making him leave was the best thing I ever did and if it took a little emotional blackmail, well, I have no regrets.

Good luck

ST

-taff

financialdisease wrote: »

Im not letting any of the absent dad, rather be dead, life's not worth it blah blah blah comments under my skin I don't believe him, he dug this hole and he can get a grip act like a dad or the kids will be better off without him.

Well done for not falling for it!

girlsmum

Hello FD, sorry you are having to go through all this, although it is through no fault of your own.

With regards to the tax credits and proof, you wont need initially prove that he has gone, but they do check. I received a rather harsh letter 6 months after DH and i split stating that they needed evidence of his new address i said how can i prove that, i said they would need to ask him for that, to which they replied. No it was me that was claiming not him!!
so as long as he starts to change his address on things and does not keep post etc coming to you then you will be fine.

Thinking of you

kids9698

You say "The holiday won't be cancelled its not unusual for us to go away without him, we have already been away this year and twice last year he always says its because of work or because he cant stand the Disney thing now I know its because of the guilt and debt."

Could it be that this has nothing to do with him feeling guilty. Could it be that he feels he would have to pay towards the holiday if he went with you and he would rather spend his credit card limit on his habits than on sharing time with the family.

You also say, "I cant increase my hours at work because of the nursery fees ..."

You can't do everything. What about your OH? Perhaps he could get a second job. It would also mean that he would be spending more time at work and less time spending his money. Has he offered to do this? Is he looking for another job?

You seem to be doing alot of running around and investigating. But your OH doesn't seem so pro-active. Perhaps he is in depression, in which case he needs to see a doctor so that he can become emotionally stable enough to start taking positive action in dealing with the state of his finances. You need HIS support as much as he needs YOURS.

tgroom57

financialdisease wrote: »

Thanks this place has already got me looking at new ways of boosting my income and savings! I already make an overpayment of £20 a month to the old further advance would I be daft to make an overpayment of the same amount to the mortgage?

How long will it take for tax credits to kick in when he moves out, do I need anything to lrove he is going? I asked again about him phoning to change the electtic and council tax dds to my name and account but no happened yet.

I have a £3k student loan since 1998 that I have barely paid anything back to because my salary is under the limit for collection would it be worth me setting up a direct debit for a small payment £10/20 a month

I'm a bit late arriving, but went through something similar.

Mortgage- don't overpay, it's fine as it is. Mortgage is the cheapest form of borrowing - best left just as it is. Hopefully the mortgage is in your name. Do not allow him to use your home as security for his debts. As a rule of thumb, banks like to secure any borrowing over £7,000 against property- because that's the only way they can be sure to get it back ie by selling. Do not borrow to pay his debts.

Student loan - stuff it. I know they only take payments if your salary goes over £15k a year. That is unlikely to happen anytime soon so best leave well alone. Link to MSE page here if you are losing sleep over it.

When he moves out - do you get a reduction in your Council Tax? We do in Wales, 25% off for lone adult, and some too for being on a low income (ie income less than £400 a week)

Good luck.

financialdisease

Should have said old further advance our mortgage rates are due to change soon as they are pulling the 0.5% rate from next year.

ALIBOBSY

financialdisease wrote: »

He claims that it has been a general mix of overspending and goes through bouts of gambling and drinking, I can't understand he never gets drunk I know he goes to the pub but I always imagined a few pints and a couple of pounds in the puggy machine. I don't drink so know nothing about pubs, I can't see anything significant that has been spent on. He transfers £500 a month toeme which pays for Christmas/birthdays/holidays sometimes nursery fees if the month is long. I had no idea, im really laid back person so there has been no big drama or argument I wish I was the type to shout and be angry because I feel he deserves it! I booked me and the kids a holiday today all from my own money I won't use the house fund because he's not coming now I understand why he refuses to come said something about feeling guilty. He thinks he can afford to make repayments of around £250-£400 a month depending on what happens with the car he is thinking about leasing a xar rather than borrowing to buy?

Still reading the whole of this thread, but just wanted to post regarding alcoholics. The idea that they walk around constantly sloshed is completely wrong. My BIL colasped last year and nearly died due to mass organ failure from drinking last year and no one knew how much he drank. He has always worked without issue and he was the kind of person people said "he likes a drink", but honestly he was so far from the stereotype version of an "alkie".

TBH for many people the drinking sneaks up on them and many people will say "I like a drink, but I am not an alcoholic" are probably kidding themselves. If you can't go for a week without a drink, without even thinking about wanting a drink then its time to reassess things. Its so easy to slip from that bordeline position to needing drinks throughout the day. BIL said he would have a pint before work then at lunch and after work. In the day he would work and not be drunk, just having enough to keep him going. Then having more at night/weekend. He started drinking as a teenager and now says for the first time in his life he feels like the real him.

BIL has ended up with a number of serious conditions due to losing parts of various organs, but is back at work and sorting out his life. He always poo pooed councilling, but he reckons it has really helped him.

Good Luck

Ali x