Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

tgroom57

Still reading through your posts to this thread fd.

I do wonder what use a car is to an alcoholic, and I'm guessing that's the reason he hasn't got a car right now. Perhaps that offers something for him to focus on.
Keep job = get car = stay out of pub.
He could always claim that he's painting the house for why he isn't in the pub so much. (at all, even) It won't save him any money because what goes on beer will go on fuel, but he might get to keep his job.
Just an idea.

beanielou

We all have a breaking point.
I believe you are very near to yours & for me when I got to that point I got such clarity that I knew I had to take action to protect my own mental health & the well being of my son.
I wish you well in the choices you make.
It is not an easy time but hopefully things will become clearer for you.
Take care of you & yours.

eyeopener2

financialdisease wrote: »

I have seen his credit file and have our mortgage statement which is also on my internet banking I can see there is no other borrowing unless there is a way to hide it?

Ask to see his bank statements, there could be payday loans, as they might not be on the credit file. Some are now, but not necessarily all.

After all, if there is nothing hide now, he should be willing to share.

I think we should all remember that all this is still very new, emotions are still very raw and they take time to calm and to heal. A certain amount of grumpyness and grouch is to be expected really however a certain amount of sheepishness, apology and asking for forgiveness should also be in the air.

I also think that there is a lot of pushing towards separation here, from us posters, rather than possibly looking towards mending things. I know he isn't making things easy but it still is early days and once everything is out in the open, budgets checked, DMP (DAS) sorted and creditors informed then the pressure may be off and maybe, just maybe, reconciliation can begin.

The ball, however, is firmly in his court at the moment. I really hope he makes the right decisions here.

Like I said previously, it's really easy to do a DMP. It must be COS I managed it and I was in a similar state of alcohol fuelled denial.

Saint eyeopener....:A

sugarbaby125

I can only admire your strength in dealing with all these complex issues that have come to light since you found out your husband had been behaving so recklessly with the future of his family. He really needs to take full responsibility for his actions and start budgeting. I am sure as an ex gambler myself that he will continue to make light of his addiction to gambling. I was on benefit and got my fruit machine gambling under control, without it damaging my and my 4 children's lives. I can gamble without running up devastating losses, because I can do so online for small amounts. Recently though after spending £30 online happily gambling for hours, I realised I was a very small step from becoming a serious gambler once again, only now, I have full time employment and a lot of disposable income for pleasurable pursuits for me and my children even though I am repaying debts at present ( nothing to do with gambling).I made the sensible decision to cancel all of my Bingo Accounts immediately and to cease gambling altogether. I am telling you my story to illustrate that once a gambler, you are a gambler for life, but once you acknowledge that you are and get professional help if necessary, then you can keep the gambling in control, whereas with alcoholism, having one drink is not usually possible for an alcoholic. Your husband has a long journey with both his addictions to alcohol and gambling. He needs to seek professional help for both, not just for the horrendous debt mountain, because these are the cause of the debt.If he does not deal with his gambling and alcoholism, even if the debt mountain is repaid, you will find your family right back here in the same position in years to come.

I wish you every happiness for the future for you and your daughters. You are not your husband's keeper and you should not continue to be his enabler. He, not you, needs to take decisive action to begin to deal with his addiction issues and his debts.

I can see how quickly you are beginning to come to terms with the disclosure of his debts and I really applaud you for how well you are dealing with all the issues and taking the best advice from others on this forum. Please continue to let us know how your family copes with the unfolding issues, as there are always others here who can give you advice and support

financialdisease

jobbingmusician wrote: »

Oh, right. This is what misled me in thinking he was using online bookies, bt probably you weren't thinking of gambling debt at the time.



I would check with him whether he DOES have any online accounts as well, just in case.

I have asked about online betting but he said no he didn't bet on horses or dogs sometimes a football game but almost all on machines. I was referring to all his credit card applications and balance transfers in this post.

tgroom57 wrote: »

Still reading through your posts to this thread fd.

I do wonder what use a car is to an alcoholic, and I'm guessing that's the reason he hasn't got a car right now. Perhaps that offers something for him to focus on.
Keep job = get car = stay out of pub.
He could always claim that he's painting the house for why he isn't in the pub so much. (at all, even) It won't save him any money because what goes on beer will go on fuel, but he might get to keep his job.
Just an idea.

when we had a car before (September 2013) he did spend less time in the pub but more time in supermarkets and the odd visit to a retail park.


Every time I think we can fix this he his horrible to me reminding me how nasty he can be.

Cottage_Economy

Do you actually know how much he owes FD.

It's just, if he's bad with money and he thinks it's around £32k, it may very well be much more than that simply because he's lost track.

Or it is much more, he knows it and that's why he's very defensive about giving you all the details.

eyeopener2

tgroom57 wrote: »

Still reading through your posts to this thread fd.

I do wonder what use a car is to an alcoholic, and I'm guessing that's the reason he hasn't got a car right now. Perhaps that offers something for him to focus on.
Keep job = get car = stay out of pub.
He could always claim that he's painting the house for why he isn't in the pub so much. (at all, even) It won't save him any money because what goes on beer will go on fuel, but he might get to keep his job.
Just an idea.

Is he an alcoholic or just a habitual drinker?, cos there is a huge difference.

It looks habitual to me, finish, pub, longer in the pub than intended, drink more cos your mates are there (and they have no kids or wife at home), repeat tomorrow. I know loads of men, and some women to be honest, who do this.

Saturday might be watchingfootball all afternoon in the pub, home about 8, bottle of wine from the supermarket to appease 'the wife'. A few cans to finish off. Repeat Sunday then back at work Monday.

The gambling I know little about but I do know some lads who empty hundreds of pounds these things. I've witnessed pound, after pound drop into the slot and before you know it, £50 gone.

Doing both these things together is a recipe for disaster. Both are fixable, very fixable with the right help and support...and a great deal of self control, standing firm against peer pressure (which can be the worst part - just have one, she won't know).

financialdisease

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

Do you actually know how much he owes FD.

It's just, if he's bad with money and he thinks it's around £32k, it may very well be much more than that simply because he's lost track.

Or it is much more, he knows it and that's why he's very defensive about giving you all the details.

That is all the cards and a loan on his credit file, he has a £950 overdraft on his current account he swears he has never touched a payday loan or any borrowing that he hasn't told me about.



He doesn't drink wine or spirits its always pints of lager he says he can make 1 pint last an hour with all the chat going on obviously I can't confirm that. He buys cans of lager with the food shop I dont see him drinking excessively at home. A few times he has had pint of cider instead but it makes him drunk and sick so he sticks to lager.

eadieb

have read the first few pages of this thread so sorry I dont have time to read it all through. I noted your mention of taking your partner off your mortgage. not sure if this has already been dealt with in the forum but from past experience, when I wanted to remove my name from a joint mortgage with an ex, it was not as straightforward as I had first thought. the mortgage company made my ex complete a whole new mortgage application (even though we had jointly paid the mortgage for two years) and re assess his financial ability to pay the mortgage with only his income. I then had to pay about £300 in fees for admin and the deeds to the property being altered etc.

financialdisease

eadieb wrote: »

have read the first few pages of this thread so sorry I dont have time to read it all through. I noted your mention of taking your partner off your mortgage. not sure if this has already been dealt with in the forum but from past experience, when I wanted to remove my name from a joint mortgage with an ex, it was not as straightforward as I had first thought. the mortgage company made my ex complete a whole new mortgage application (even though we had jointly paid the mortgage for two years) and re assess his financial ability to pay the mortgage with only his income. I then had to pay about £300 in fees for admin and the deeds to the property being altered etc.

yes thanks