Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

JennyCrossley

Having just read through all of this thread, I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time of it. From experiance I'd strongly reiterate keeping the finances separate for the time being. If you are able to open up to someone about this, in person, that might also help (at least it did when I finally came clean to my parents several years ago about my own situation).

If there are concerns about OH sticking to a payment plan or staying focused about this, your credit union might be able to help with the budgeting and the repayment plans. They operate current accounts, savings accounts and can help with budgeting amongst other things. Should he be willing to consider it, he could have his wages paid into a credit union account and they would then manage all his repayments for him, including paying his share of the bills into your account and setting aside some savings. Then, what ever money is left can be paid into his usual current acount on a weekly or monthly basis as "pocket money". That way, his debts gradually get paid down, the credit cards can be cancelled or stopped as they will be tied into the payment plans that StepChange have helped arrange and he will still have some money to spend every week. This doesn't deal with the underlying issues with the gambling, compulsive debting and the drinking, but with less disposable cash available it might help focus the mind a little and take some of the pressure and responsibility away so that he doesn't feel totally cornered about all of this. Anyway, if you do a search for the following, the sites might be able to help:

findyourcreditunion.co.uk
debtorsanonymous.org
gamblersanonymous.org.uk

It might also be worth considering setting up filters and blocks on your internet access at home so that it is not possible to log onto these gambling accounts or payday lender sites from home.

financialdisease

Thanks Lin

Im on some sort of emotional roller coaster just now, yesterday I couldn't stand him today hasn't been so bad?!?! I have said from the outset that I won't be making a rash decision about our future its something that will take me time to be 100% about I don't want any regrets. I did say we were happy living our lifes independently and people have always commented but it worked until this bombshell blew me to pieces and that few people thinking we were weird turned into hundreds.

Putting the debt aside the deception has made my mind run wild with what if's and how could he's fulling my disgust for him. Yesterday was a tough day of talking and tears but it has made the air a bit clearer and shown me he knows how stupid he has been. I can start to see him for him again and not a big ball of anger, I was thinking earlier about making a list of our *issues* and things I would want to change if we did work through it having our separate hobbies wont be one of them!

I am not sure what his next step will be with step change but your suggestion of turning this thread back to the debt rather than the relationship is a good one ♥

beanielou

No delay in DLA so get the form in

troublesparking

Glad you have had a talk. take care. Your children need both of you no matter what has gone on and how you feel at the moment. I agree with another poster that you both need to take several deep breaths and set some steps to get yourselves on a joint path. Take care..TS

maganan

Walk a day in another mans shoes springs to mind. None of us regardless of best intention are living your lives
Do what you need to do......stay or go (him go) you created two children in love.......
Someone wise once told me "when debt comes through the door love goes out the window".........
All those truths said whatever you decide personally is up to you however you will probably help and certainly won't damage the situation by protecting your financial situation/previous prudence etc

I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you choose to do, you have ever right to be hurt and angry but also to move on and forgive! We will all be here to support you regardless! That is re: debt and life
Nothing lasts forever and nothing ends til it ends badly (another wise friend)

Good luck, kind thoughts and very big hugs

Kate xx

tgroom57

Regarding the house. While I was married I paid the mortgage on our house because ex was 'self-employed'. When we divorced the courts decided 2/3 to me 1/3 to him, because I had our children to provide for.

eyeopener2

Sooooooo, is there a debt plan in place now or is it still at the talking stage. The sooner it's up and running in the better.

Miss_Poohs

If FDs OH is opting for a DAS there's a time span before it can all be processed, approved and inplace, thankfully though, if a DAS is the plan of choice, all debts included will be noted and further action will be suspended for now.

financialdisease

I think its still at the talking stage he said it can take a month or so to set up a DAS he hss made payments to all the cards and loan for this month so he doesn't default.

eyeopener2

Isn't he going to default anyway? It's better to get it done n dusted sooner rather than later. If he isn't in arrears or payment distress won't that make the DAS harder to get?

Just asking really, as I don't know how much the Scottish system differs and it may help others.