Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

financialdisease

-taff wrote: »

She hasn't actually said her child has aspergers. Smoeone else referred to her as disabled.
Please don't jump to conclusions. 'Normal' children self harm too.

edit - Missed that bit then

That was my fault sorry, see post above

hettiecarro

I understand the diagnosis is raw - didn't mean to 'hone' in on it.
If you are struggling with the form, the CAB are extremely helpful in filling them out (That's who helped my S & DIL).
I must say though that it makes it even more cruel for your OH to use the children in his emotional games.
PLEASE FD - Look after yourself and the children.
I hope you can get to speak to your Mum or maybe your friend about all this - you could do with a physical shoulder to cry on at the moment - though we are all here rooting for you of course.:grouphug:
Hettie

financialdisease

Back to work tomorrow so that will ground me he is thinking of phoning in sick doesn't want to take the SC call at work. He hasn't prepared anything for it said they took all the figures the last time. I said to remember to tell them that the car allowance is paid to you separately, ask when/if they think its appropriate to take on a car, to stress my finances are separate and ask what should he do if his circumstances change that he will be looking for his own place to live. He just snapped at me saying im not stupid.

Miss_Poohs

Sending you positive thoughts FD - you have so much on your plate right now.
You've done all you can, let Mr FD take the reigns for his predicament, see how he copes.
X

Brenny

Hope you feel better at work.

Just wanted to apologise for quoting you earlier. If you want me to delete it just let me know.

But go forwards with the claim - if your daughter is anything like my dgd then you are spending a lot of extra money on meeting her needs and on her care, etc. and that is what it is for.

financialdisease

Brenny wrote: »

Hope you feel better at work.

Just wanted to apologise for quoting you earlier. If you want me to delete it just let me know.

But go forwards with the claim - if your daughter is anything like my dgd then you are spending a lot of extra money on meeting her needs and on her care, etc. and that is what it is for.

No worries ♥.

mothernerd

At first I was a little scared of reading your post and have several times thought about posting and then not been sure what was most helpful thing to say.

My husband was a gambler. I was a bit more stuck than you as I was pregnant with our third child when I found out and our income was dependent on his earnings - we had to set up our own limited company in order for him to go contracting after being made redundant. I opened a cc bill and tried to work out what he could be spending money on, to have spent so much in a month. Then I had to ask him - this became a pattern, he never told me when he relapsed, just waited for me to get the bill and ask. he cut up his cards at one point but later insisted on having them back.

Things were compounded when myself and the baby were involved in an accident when he was 6 months old, we miraculously escaped serious injury but could both have been killed. I suffered post traumatic stress disorder for 2 years whilst studying, doing the business paperwork (couldn't trust him with it), looking after 3 under 5's and running a house (mostly on the child benefit) whilst he worked 300 miles away.

There is a network of gamblers anonymous groups (not so extensive as AA so don't know if their is group where you are). There are also support groups for spouses and partners. I only went to one once but found it extremely useful.

Gamblers need to admit there is a problem. Gambling is the problem, the debt (though obviously scary) is a symptom or result of the gambling. I am not sure that your OH is at this point yet. Gamblers need a lot of managing. If you are committed to your relationship (and I do think you need to keep asking yourself what you are getting from this relationship, because as an outsider it doesn't look like very much).

However if you do decide to continue your relationship, you need to know exactly what it will mean (will you have to control every penny, ask for a receipt and change every time he goes to the corner shop, do all the shopping because he cannot be allowed a cc). Work out how much work (both physical and emotional, is involved). Can you do this? (You already have a lot on your plate). Then you need to ask yourself, can you do this willingly and cheerfully - because your reaction to his gambling can affect your children as much as the gambling. I could see a future where I became shrewish, haggard with worry, constantly looking for any signs of relapse. I actually stopped buying raffle tickets at one point, then offering a donation instead and then having to explain my reaction as people thought I was cracking up.

As to admitting you have a problem, I am still waiting for an apology of any kind from my ex - the baby is 24 on Thursday.

Wishing you all the luck in the world - and we will still be here to support you, whatever you decide.

hettiecarro

mothernerd wrote: »

At first I was a little scared of reading your post and have several times thought about posting and then not been sure what was most helpful thing to say.

My husband was a gambler. I was a bit more stuck than you as I was pregnant with our third child when I found out and our income was dependent on his earnings - we had to set up our own limited company in order for him to go contracting after being made redundant. I opened a cc bill and tried to work out what he could be spending money on, to have spent so much in a month. Then I had to ask him - this became a pattern, he never told me when he relapsed, just waited for me to get the bill and ask. he cut up his cards at one point but later insisted on having them back.

Things were compounded when myself and the baby were involved in an accident when he was 6 months old, we miraculously escaped serious injury but could both have been killed. I suffered post traumatic stress disorder for 2 years whilst studying, doing the business paperwork (couldn't trust him with it), looking after 3 under 5's and running a house (mostly on the child benefit) whilst he worked 300 miles away.

There is a network of gamblers anonymous groups (not so extensive as AA so don't know if their is group where you are). There are also support groups for spouses and partners. I only went to one once but found it extremely useful.

Gamblers need to admit there is a problem. Gambling is the problem, the debt (though obviously scary) is a symptom or result of the gambling. I am not sure that your OH is at this point yet. Gamblers need a lot of managing. If you are committed to your relationship (and I do think you need to keep asking yourself what you are getting from this relationship, because as an outsider it doesn't look like very much).

However if you do decide to continue your relationship, you need to know exactly what it will mean (will you have to control every penny, ask for a receipt and change every time he goes to the corner shop, do all the shopping because he cannot be allowed a cc). Work out how much work (both physical and emotional, is involved). Can you do this? (You already have a lot on your plate). Then you need to ask yourself, can you do this willingly and cheerfully - because your reaction to his gambling can affect your children as much as the gambling. I could see a future where I became shrewish, haggard with worry, constantly looking for any signs of relapse. I actually stopped buying raffle tickets at one point, then offering a donation instead and then having to explain my reaction as people thought I was cracking up.

As to admitting you have a problem, I am still waiting for an apology of any kind from my ex - the baby is 24 on Thursday.

Wishing you all the luck in the world - and we will still be here to support you, whatever you decide.

What a thoughtful,considered post.
Take heart from it FD.
Have a good day at work - and STOP doing the thinking FOR him


Hettie
x

-taff

financialdisease wrote: »

That was my fault sorry, see post above

hettiecarro wrote: »

Apologies - I misunderstood.

My turn to apologise, I used to self harm, but that was a very very long time ago, and I don't have Aspergers. It probably just struck a nerve.
Didn't mean to jump down your throat Hettie, and no need to apologise FD, it's just one of those internet things

hettiecarro

-taff wrote: »

I used to self harm, but that was a very very long time ago, and I don't have Aspergers. It probably just struck a nerve.



Just glad it was a long time ago.


Hettie
x