Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

terra_ferma

financialdisease wrote: »

Thanks
He asked our oldest would she miss him if he moved out absolutely raging with that she was sobbing saying please no.

That is nasty, shows how little he cares about his children. He's doing some serious damage

financialdisease

Try not to laugh at his patheticness (okay laugh if you must) first thing this morning I got a sorry TXT:laugh: a txt, yes a sorry txt asking for peace? ???? I told him how he acted last night was completely unacceptable, vile selfish and definitely not actions of someone I want to live with.

Miss_Poohs

Sounds to me like he's going through "poor me" syndrome. He's got salt on his tail, and the mess he was hiding has been outed and the job of clearing up and facing reality doesn't really appeal to him - bless.
Well tough tittie.
There really isn't a lot more you can do for him FD, until he smartens up and deals with things himself.
If the girls are noticing all is not well, it might be an idea to explain to them daddy is thinking about a "daddy type thing" but it's not a problem for mummy and girls.
It's sad you have to do this, but then he's the one involving the girls.
Our son (who is older - high school) does know dad isn't good with money, but he sees how hard he works to pay it back, and that he IS paying it back, which is important.
There is still time - I think - for your hubs to grow a pair and knuckle down to this, it's not impossible.
I've thought of you and your girls lots over the hols - huge hug, you're doing great x

in_need_of_direction

Bloody hell, I've just read from the start and so much resonates with me. I too was with a messed up husband for so long that I ended up a total mess who also wouldn't discuss with others as I felt it showed me to be a failure. One thing I learnt was that while the house is in joint names, you can't force someone to move out just for being a muppet. My ex finally moved out dragged his heels re financial arrangements, refused to allow a change to the joint mortgage terms although he wasn't paying and then said he would move back if the bills were too much for me. That totally disregarded any potential impact on our two kids and was the ultimate eye opener for me. Using your daughter as a guilt trip shows just how selfish your OH is. I know it's more easily said than done but get out before he does any more damage. It appears that the only thing he's offering is to add to your responsibilities. It's hardly a mature attitude. If I were you, I'd ask dd what she would miss if daddy wasn't there, though I can see you need to pick the moment carefully. The answer may surprise her as it's probably more the concept than the reality. Anyhow, I'll shut up as I don't want to make you feel worse. Just need to point out that for someone in a tailspin, you're coping brilliantly. Stay strong and take care.

dktreesea

FD, why does your OH hate being with you? It seems to me that he, unlike you, lives by your signature. He gambles and drinks because he enjoys it and it's his taste of freedom, freedom from the drear of being part of a family and all the obligations that entails. And, if some of the guys I have worked with over the years are to be believed, that side of their lives had got to the stage where they felt there were few personal benefits, including if the wife was no longer attracted to them and didn't like to have sex with them as much as they would like to. But other issues too, like not earning as much as them, not working as many hours as them, expecting all the money they earn to be "family money" and wanting to micro manage it, expecting a nice house, holidays, expecting, expecting, expecting. Sometimes it seemed to me there were so many expectations, on both sides, it was a wonder they stayed together.

He's probably happy when he's away from you, gambling, drinking, feeling like he is without a care in the world. Well, for a little while at least, until he comes home and the drama/pain/boredom/drear (or whatever his actual bugbear is - has he actually told you why he hates being with you?) of being a husband and father starts up all over again. A bit like painkillers - once they wear off the reality of his situation drags him down into the abyss again.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suggesting you forgive him/attempt to rescue him. But maybe you could stand in his shoes for a moment, just to try to understand it's not all about you or your fault. Whatever he tells you to the contrary. It's hard being a husband and father, and being the main breadwinner, not to mention having a disabled child. If, on top of that you hate being with your wife, but are too repressed/guilty/chicken hearted to do something about it and move on, ...omg, I can't imagine how hard that would be for a man. Having to face his cowardice, day in day out. That must be a lonely existence, if the only things you really enjoy are gambling and drinking.

I feel for him. It's clear that having a family is more of a responsibility than he can handle. But at the same time I ask myself, why are you willing to be with a guy who hates being with you? What's in it for you? It's obvious there isn't much that he values in the relationship, otherwise he wouldn't be behaving the way he is. Wouldn't it be the healthier option for you both to ask him to leave? You would likely not have to sell the house until the youngest child turns 18, even if he goes bankrupt rather than entering into a DAS. At that point, yes, he could realise his share of the equity, but not until then.

As to the debt, this is his problem, aside from the mortgage which is both your problems. His refusal to co-operate with you sounds to me like him asserting himself, in the sense of not regarding himself as being answerable to you. He isn't, so, unless it involves him being able to cover his share of the expenses or the mortgage (and for any debt you are involved in, I suggest you micromanage the repayment of that debt), imho you should back off.

It's not unusual for either spouse - men as well as women - to want to spend any money left over after meeting their obligations to the family, i.e. their share of the housekeeping/bills/mortgage/rent, on themselves. Selfish maybe, but he's not alone in behaving like that.

lessonlearned

I have been reading your thread but not commented so far. You've had some very good advice and you are showing tremendous strength of character in dealing with what has been thrown at you.

I just want to tell you about my friend. She was married to a gambler.

Time after time she bailed him out, cleared the debts. Time after time he promised to stop gambling. Time after time he managed for a few months and then went back to it.

She lost several homes, had to keep moving houses, always trading down to clear the debts, moving the children to different schools. Eventually she had a break down herself.

He just laughed at her and accused her of being weak and needy.

Eventually she picked herself up and threw him out. She wasted nearly 30 years on that man, staying with him so that the children could have a father.

He couldn't give a stuff about being a father, he was the centre of his own universe and cared for no-one but himself.

The children saw right through him and came to loathe and despise him.

Yes you can clear his debts this time, but will he stop gambling and treating you all like second class citizens.

You might be lucky and he might turn his life around but I wouldn't put all your faith and trust in this man.

Take proper care to protect yourself and your children, get decent professional advice - even if you have to pay for it it will be worth it.

Don't let him take everything and don't fall for his poor me, victim act.

You and your children deserve better. Take good care of yourself.

financialdisease

I don't know why he hates being at home with me, I don't think I will get a decent answer if I ask him the way things are just now


Oh completely unrealistic but I wish I was see into the future to see if he is capable of changing, for where we are now and how he has delt with the past 9 days I don't think he can or will

in_need_of_direction

Sweetie, deep down we both know that people don't change for others, just for themselves. As your OH doesn't really see the need for change, we both know just what the chances of it happening are. Sorry

The_fog_has_lifted

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

Sweetie, deep down we both know that people don't change for others, just for themselves. As your OH doesn't really see the need for change, we both know just what the chances of it happening are. Sorry

This is so true. sadly people cant change for others, only themselves. Im so sorry that this is happening to you, but you have to make a decision.
1. you live with him acting the way he does and spend your life compensating for his bad choices.
2. you leave him and start afresh, be that asking him to leave or you leave and start on your own just taking with you what you consider to be yours/ kids.

I'm not perfect hun, my husband is completely irresponsable when it comes to money and im choosing to stay at the moment and compensate for his behaviour. Eventually i may feel different and decide to leave?? Im not sure how I feel at the moment, im sure you done either, its so hard to look at all the years you have had together and not know what to do.
Ill pray for you and your family, you will work this out- baby steps hun.
hope this helps. xx

financialdisease

The kids are out playing we are managing to have a decent calm talk about our future he still says he can't cope without us financially and being lonely but in a grown up way rather than stroppy teenager style.