Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

When_the_going_gets_tough

FD you could try Christians Againt Poverty - don't be put off by the Christian bit - they are available for everyone if they operate in your area and crucially they offer face to face support. Also CAB offers debt advice - at the very least you could ask for an appointment to talk through your options. You might have other face to face debt advice organisations near you - the services are patchy but at least you could talk things through with someone. That is not to undermine stepchange who also have a good reputation. It seems the main financial issue is protecting the house for your children and you and working out your budget going forward, either as a couple or singly. Hope you find the support you need and I am so sorry you have this hanging over you x

ampersand

Have been recommending CAP, as have others, from the start - or stepchange.
The important thing is that fd contacts one of them for herself and her children.
We can hope that OH would do so too, but this is unlikely.

financialdisease

I called and spoke to both step change and cab for advice for us I got nothing concrete but reassurance that there's protection there for families in our situation. I didn't go out but have been on 'entitled to' and doing a SOA for me if dh is to leave and miraculously even with the mortgage payments going up me still saving and paying for nursery and skiing I would be £80 better off a month!

He told me earlier that I am partly responsible for making him go to the bookies all the times he hated living with me :mad:

He is a bit gutted that im taking it this far but i am making it clear now he has rocked the boat to a dangerous level for himself

-taff

financialdisease wrote: »

He told me earlier that I am partly responsible for making him go to the bookies all the times he hated living with me :mad:

Yep. a nice bit of guilt transfrence always works for people who need an excuse for doing what they do.
Battered wives/husbands hear that all the time - you made me do it....

HE did it, HE's got the gambling problem. HE's the one unwilling to face his addiction. Until he is you're not going t get anywhere. As fast as you sort his debts, new ones will pop up.

And if he hates it that much, he won't mind too much if you leave?

Bloody idiot [him, not you]

meer53

financialdisease wrote: »

I called and spoke to both step change and cab for advice for us I got nothing concrete but reassurance that there's protection there for families in our situation. I didn't go out but have been on 'entitled to' and doing a SOA for me if dh is to leave and miraculously even with the mortgage payments going up me still saving and paying for nursery and skiing I would be £80 better off a month!

He told me earlier that I am partly responsible for making him go to the bookies all the times he hated living with me :mad:

He is a bit gutted that im taking it this far but i am making it clear now he has rocked the boat to a dangerous level for himself

It's never their fault, it's always someone elses. My ex blamed me for him having an affair.

Once you've kicked him out, you'll be free. Don't wait, for yours and your childrens sake, do it now.

If he really wants to be with you and your children, he'll sort himself out. If not, you're better off without him. Emotionally and financially.

ampersand

About to go out, fd - but this needs one change.

'He told me earlier that I am partly responsible for making him go to the bookies all the times he hated living with me:mad:'

'He told me earlier that I am partly responsible for making him go to the bookies all the times he hated living with me
:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
Spot the difference.

We now see you have been holding out on us, failing to admit you frog-marched OH to pub, to bookies, to pub, to bookies, forcing him to spend, spend, spend.....

We probably all had 'wasn't me' moments when children.....how old is OH now? He must be at least 14: that's how long you've been 'together'.

Did you not have time with your Mum?
#
Is he still reading this?

financialdisease

I didn't go out, my youngest had a meltdown the oldest threw a strop I ended up in tears being nasty to him. He took them out for lunch I tried to cheer myself up reading the old 'penis beaker' thread on mumsnet then ended up back onto this again! !!!!!!!

How do you deal with emotional blackmail?

I don't know if he is reading it he hasn't said anything but im guessing not he is probably mortified sickened and scared by it.

hippychick1

I've just read through all of this and your husband sounds just like mine did. He had a drink problem, though I didn't realise it till I started my own thread on here.....must have been around five years ago now!!!!!! He also racked up around £30,000 of debt, all in my name.

I left in the end, with three small children in tow. He made me think I was going mad, always turning everything round to be my fault. When I left, I was terrified but relieved. This was around five years ago. I still LOVE the fact I know how much is in my bank account, as he is no longer raiding it. Looking back now there was so many issues in our marriage, I just couldn't see it at the time.

He needs to take responsibility for this mess. My husband never did, and I felt it was my fault, becuase I had an issue with the debt and the drinking. He said everyone has debt, everyone has a drink. Well I realise now, no, everyone doesn't. He never bothered with the children at all either. I have never been so scared as when I first left, but my life is wonderful now. I hope you manage to sort things out with him and he sees the light, but he does sound very very selfish, only thinking of himself in all of this.

Cottage_Economy

financialdisease wrote: »

tried to cheer myself up reading the old 'penis beaker' thread on mumsnet.

:rotfl: great thread.

So he's pulled the old "you made me do it" out of the bag has he?

He lied about the debt. That didn't work as it got so large he had to come clean. He pretended everything was fine, you quite rightly saw through the BS and wouldn't let it drop.
He made noises about dealing with it by bankruptcy/DSA, you kept the pressure on and wouldn't let it drop
He phoned a debt charity for advice, but really that was him trying to appease you and make you go away - he had no intention of following through, which is why he didn't want you in the room and didn't really have any details to discuss with the person on the other end of the phone.
You didn't let it go, kept up the pressure and at that point he tried to fob you off by saying he would sort it out next month.
You didn't let it drop so now he's pulling out the old "you made me do it". Don't fall for that old cr*p. Teenagers do that.

Guarantee if you don't let up he'll be blaming you next for trying to break up the family and being a bad parent because you'll make you kids unhappy.

He's going to start getting nasty and using emotional blackmail to make you go away.

He doesn't want to be held responsible for his actions or be held accountable for rectifying them.

Stick to your guns, you know what he is doing is wrong, you are right. You are trying to create a safe secure future for your family. If he isn't part of that, that's his fault.

financialdisease

Yeah the emotional stuff is coming out now he just messaged asking if Ilhe can come home? Erm yes you dobber you have the kids with you and still live here!!!!

Looking at entitled to and soa has really given me a boost knowing that I can cope without him financially in this house is a massive confidence builder and so reassuringas long as its correct and I would be entitled to family tax and working tax credits which would equal my wage taking £100 week nursery fees into account that is.