Debt Bomb shell dropped on me

eyeopener2

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

You know where it has gone. Frittered away on rubbish and gambling.

I think your OH needs a few days kipping on a relative's or friend's sofa to bring home the realities of what he is going to lose if he persists in this stupid and childish behaviour

More personal experience from me......

That works.

Or it worked where I was concerned. It also gives you time to reflect on what you've done, why you did it, what causes it and most importantly, how to fix it.

quidsy

Time to send him packing. Seriously, he needs to bottom out and not take you with him. He lies, decieves and bs' s and yet you are still trying to fix the mess he made.

You would likely get close the 500quid he gives in benefits as a single parent.

financialdisease

I am getting seriously disheartened by his lack of effort to show any changes other than all the crap he is talking.

I actually quite embarrassed to tell you that what hus latest one has been

"im all paud uo to date so just going to finish this month off like normal and make big changes when I know where I stand on speaking to SC on Tuesday"


I can't find the strength I need inside to make him leave ;'( god I sound really pathi I would only worry that he is just away spending he doesn't have the guts or a close enough family to fall back on and would be more likely to check into a four star boutique hotel than on a mates couch :eek:

I am imaging helping him get a repayment plan in place stuff sorted best it can be taking him off t mortgage then asking him to go if this feeling of mistrust doesn't leave my inside feels empty after the most lovely and fun day out yesterday it just amplifies that I don't need him but I am just to used to him being here

ampersand

Ditch, ditch, ditch[that's oh] - and bail out while you can, clutching children.

He's playing you like a harp, fd. Hold the knowledge of your lovely day as the norm. Don't you want more of this? Isn't this what the children should be living?

'more likely to check into a four star boutique hotel than on a mates couch' - using what for money? Stop this kafka-esque idiocy, please.

' it just amplifies that I don't need him but I am just to used to him being here' - break this habit. Think of yourself using emotional patches, working as smokers' patches do. It's your first step to a mindset transplant.

financialdisease

I think I need to find s real life person to share this with some one to give me the strength I need I know I shouldn't be embarrassed but my first worry is people thinking I am stupid for not knowing and thinking that I am part of causing this mess which I am do angry about I feel sick at thinking I could have been a symptom of it allowing it to continue for so long.

The kids will be devastated and will no way understand why i am sending their dad away because the truth will mean nothing to them they are to young yo understand money and have never seen a reason to think dad is horrible.

He still has a few £100s available on each card and has said about leaving running ip morr debt and going bankrupt disappearing sad pathetic nasty things to say that thankfully I don't have the ability to dwell on just in one ear out of the other :mad:

financialdisease

I wish one of you lovely kind and caring people could come round and instruct me to br angry and more forceful then give me hug when I break down un tears

eyeopener2

Sigh, this is so difficult.

If the mindset is running up more debt and disappearing, well he clearly isn't thinking of you or his children. So what does that tell you?

Maybe he is shooting from the hip but does he have any idea how unhappy all of this is making you? Tell him you are miserable and you need it sorting otherwise it's over. It's not an"get out and don't come back" which is hard to do but it puts the ball firmly in his court.

Maybe you've done that, I don't know, but he needs to be told something today. You will make yourself ill and that's no good for you or your children.

AliceBanned

I am sure the debt charities are used to this type of thing - it sounds like you need support so that you can do what's right for you and the children. Why don't you phone Step Change and ask where they can recommend you go - there may be support groups or counselling.

It isn't easy as your emotions are involved so you probably find it hard to make a clear decision. I wonder whether your GP could help by finding some short term counselling to help you think it all through? I have been in a relationship with a drinker and I found www.coda-uk.org very helpful - if you are involved with someone with addictions the groups can be hugely supportive. It must be difficult to deal with the guilt in asking him to leave/sort out his problems but in the end if you don't refuse to help him it looks like he won't change. He may not change anyway, but it's not your responsibility.

financialdisease

I have told him in floods of tears that I don't think I will ever forgive him or be able to put this behind us, he has completely crushed me with half our life together being a giant lie ;'( that I never wanted to be without him but can't find the strength to trust in him. I haven't asked him to leave because I am not sure if its what I want.

Part of me can see green fields of flowers and freedom without him in more ways than just financially but I can imagine him always being there as a dark shadow trying to block out my sun if he can't be part of it.

LannieDuck

Do you not have anyone locally you can speak to - a sibling or close friend?

Was it you who said your parents wouldn't be supportive because they would expect something like this to happen? (I may be muddling you up...). If so, and if they can be constructive about it, perhaps their help and advice is exactly what you need right now.

And you didn't want to tell his parents because they'd be too upset (IIRC)? I think that might be a good way to go to try and get through to him...